Long overdue

Back when this whole journey began, there was a sense that this might not be a quick process.  That's easy to think when everything is still new and shiny.  But it gets a little harder as the days months years march on.  What I have noticed, though, is that very often just when I start to slip into complacency and thinking that maybe the plan has changed, her name will come up.  Sometimes one of you sends a message to let me know that you are praying.  Sometimes one of my children will ask about her.  Other times I will find her name or one of the meaningful verses from those early days in an unexpected place.

These past couple weeks for one of my seminary classes we have been reading about the patriarchs.  The story of Abraham and Sarah always is a reminder to me that God's timing doesn't always fit with the way we expect God to work.  Abram is 75 when God first makes the promise of offspring and blessing the nations through him.  Some time later, after living in Egypt to escape the famine, God again reiterates the promise of offspring and land.  In Genesis 15, we read of Abram asking God how this promise is to be fulfilled, since he still has no children.  Given the events that have happened, this is likely years after the initial promise.  Genesis 16 describes how after ten years of living in Canaan, still with no child of his own, Abram agrees to Sarai's suggestion to sleep with her servant Hagar and have a child in that way.  The years had marched on, and they decided to help God out, possibly even thinking that they were doing what they needed to do to fulfill the promise.

When I start to wonder if there is more that I should be doing, this story often comes to mind.  Has God given any indication that we are to step forward in any specific direction?  No.  Are we open to doing so when that time comes?  Yes.  Are we striving to remain close to God while we wait?  Yes - key word there is striving.  Some days are better than others, but we try to pull each other back on track if we begin slipping.  So until word comes that it is time to step forward, we wait.  In faith, we wait.
Joyfully awaiting Abigail.

100 posts later . . .

Today marks 2 years.  Two years since life was given a whole new perspective, Abigail-colored glasses, so to speak.  Two years ago I found myself starting a blog.

A year ago, a year felt like an incredibly long time in some respects.  A year ago, I was blessed to discover little Abigail reminders waiting for me first thing in the morning.  A year ago, I found myself looking back. 

And today I see that this is the 100th post on this blog. One hundred posts that have led me bit by bit, step by step to who I am today.  Two years closer to seeing what God has in store for Abigail.  Life is beginning to look a little different, but still so much the same. 

Long term faith is a tricky thing.  It's so easy to try to fit God's plan into our timing and then get frustrated and disappointed and doubt when it doesn't happen.  It's tempting to try to take things into our own hands and act on what we think the plan might be.  It's a short step to judging things solely from what we can see and decide that nothing is happening or that we heard God wrong or that He has changed His mind.  It's not a long slide into making the fulfillment of the promise an idol that surpasses the importance of the Giver of the promise.

I go back frequently to the question ~ what if I misunderstood?  Would my journey over these past years be all for nothing?  So far, I can say that it would still be worth it.  I wouldn't want to trade the changes that I have seen God make in me, and in my husband.  God has opened the doors to new aspects of our callings.  It is no longer just about Abigail, but about God's bigger plan to use our family.  He has knit together my life with those of many others through this journey, and our friendships have moved to a deeper level that is centered on what God is doing in our lives.  He has opened our eyes to the way He is working outside of our little family or church. 

I have to be honest .  . . there is a part of me that would just love some confirmation on this 2nd "Abi-versary".  A special verse, or sign of some sort, to reassure me that I didn't misunderstand.  And as I go through my day, I've got an eye and ear tuned to notice if there is.  But if there isn't .  . . it's ok.  God doesn't change just because I can't see things from His perspective.  Even when I can't understand why things are or aren't happening in a certain way, He is still on His throne and working all things for good.

Keep tuned .  . . when the timing is right, our next Abigail steps will be shown.  And until then, we keep putting pieces into place.  Sometimes they feel like they may be from a different puzzle, but in the end, I have a feeling they will have been part of her picture the whole time. 

And maybe one day we'll find ourselves saying, "Abby girl, God knew you before you were born, and He told us about you.  You grew in our hearts long before you began to grow inside the womb.  He has a plan for you, such a big plan that it needed more than just our family to be praying for you. He loves you so very much, Abigail, and so do we."

In the middle

That's where I've been these past couple months, in the middle.  As a friend wrote this morning,

Beginnings are shiny and exciting; endings are often hard won and celebrated, but it’s the middle places where the real work is done, where the change occurs, the healing happens, the laughter and tears roll up into each other. - Dana

So often, the change happens without us realizing it.   The initial moments catch our attention, but the real working it out comes over the days, during moments we wrestle with it in the midst of the rest of life.  Maybe while doing dishes or folding laundry or walking the dog or driving to work we catch a few minutes to hammer out more of it with God, then it's right back into the rest of life again.  String enough of those days together, and you realize that somehow, in the midst of it, something that once felt so big or foreign or scary is no longer marked by those characteristics.  It just is.  And it has become part of your life.

That's much the way that God has been working here.  A new idea or a necessary change doesn't happen immediately, but goes through this hammering out in the day-to-day.   Right now there are lots of little threads that have begun to be woven into this tapestry of life, but they're hanging, waiting to be picked back up and woven in when the time is right.

Meanwhile, in the middle .  . .

there is support for a husband with a new job . . .

there is learning to (mostly) read and write (a little) Hebrew . . .

there is the crossing-off-the-list of dishes and laundry and cleaning . . .

there is a part-time job of helping make math less scary for students . . .

there is daily teaching of my own two students, one in 2nd grade, and the other in kindergarten . . .

there is worship and service through our church . . .

there is a graduate class that expands my thinking about God on a regular basis and provides discussion with others . . .

there is reaching out to other women who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or other circumstance later on . . .

there is daily seeking God in his word, striving to listen to and obey his voice . . . 

there is the reading of books (when I get the chance) . . .

there is the writing down of the ways that God seems to be speaking, and what he is doing in our lives . . .

and there are tentative jottings of where life may be headed, so that just in case it does go that direction, we can look back at see how He laid the path step by step and remember that it was, from the beginning, God's path.

Writing just as fast as I can, as the rain falls 'round

Some weeks (or months . . . or years) are dry.  Bone dry to the point where you find it hard to remember what rain was like.  When we lived out in Arizona it was like that.  Months would pass with barely a cloud in the sky, you'd forget that you even owned an umbrella or that the skies did open up.

But then . . . the clouds would start to roll in one day and the wind would pick up and you ever-so-faintly detected a change.  Was that scent of rain on the way just a phantom smell?  We'd be almost afraid to hope.  And then the first drops would begin falling, hitting heavy and leaving a puff of dust in their wake.  As they picked up in intensity people would emerge from inside their concrete cocoons to the sidewalks and patios and balconies, just drinking in the scent and feel of the nearly forgotten rain.

I remember a day eight years ago in October, driving to an ultrasound as the rain poured down around.  We had lost three pregnancies already and this one had shown danger signs as well.  The song "Healing Rain" came on the radio as we drove and I remember looking down at the new outfit I had recently bought to accomodate my expanding midsection realizing that it might be forever linked to that day.  The rain that day did bring healing, as the ultrasound showed our baby growing just as she should be.

God hadn't forgotten us after all.  Our hope hadn't been misplaced.

The past week or two have been filled with prayers.  Prayers for those who are struggling right now with feeling that their hope is misplaced and that God has forgotten them, as they watch those around them receive blessings.  Prayers for renewal and filling of God's Holy Spirit.  Prayers for the family of one of God's workers taken from them too soon, with no warning.  Prayers to know God's will and be able to pray in it with faith.

And with the prayers, the scent of rain began to come.  Followed by drops . . . a comment here, a conversation there, an Abigail-sighting unexpectedly in a book or email.  As I began to capture those in writing, the drops started coming heavier with Bible verses that leap off the page, books speaking right to my heart at the moment, new prayer directions, a comment reassuring me that I'm not on this journey alone, and blogs that just beg to be followed from there-to-here.  And I find myself writing as fast as my fingers can to keep record of the way God is good and trustworthy and faithful. 

More pieces are falling into place in this puzzle, even though we don't yet know what it is building.   Today has had spring hope.  New directions around the corner, perhaps? A new journal about to be started, certainly, as this one is nearly full.  Wise words to gather that provide refreshment.  I again remind myself that this isn't my story to plan, but God's to write.

He is still doing work in us that is necessary before the next step can be revealed. . . When the blessing is finally revealed, we can see the progressive process that brought us to that point.  - Craig Portwood

• God loves the details in our lives.  Don’t be afraid to share them with Him.  Nothing is too small or too big for Him.  He works in the details.  Don’t overlook them. Actually…watch for them!
• God uses other people.  If you feel the nudge to talk or do something, pray about it.  It just might be the Holy Spirit’s guidance.  Then, do it.  If people weren’t obedient, they wouldn’t have been part of the story and witnessed God’s movement.  God would have just found another way to get it done.  He doesn’t HAVE to use us.  He chooses to use us.  He chooses to allow us to be part of His mission.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE that! - Marti Michalec Williams

So, dear friends, take heart. I believe God will do exactly what he told me. - Acts 27:25 (MSG)

Living it out

I know I've been quiet on here lately, but that certainly doesn't reflect where my mind has been!  In between the moments of daily life of schooling, laundry, and dishes, there is an undercurrent that we're being called to step out.   Lots and lots to pray on, ponder, read about, and listen to on living out the gospel and mission of Jesus in everyday life beyond our own walls, and what that will end up looking like in our specific situation. 

We're definitely in a time of preparation ~ not just for Abigail, but for the bigger mission that may end up connecting us with her.  We have more questions than answers at this point.  Lots of spiritual stretching going on as we encounter in writing or in practice some of the things that God is pointing us towards. 

On the Abigail front, honestly, there are days when I would almost wonder if I had dreamt the whole thing if it weren't for being able to go back and retrace the steps of the early days and all the moments that have affirmed it since.  At this point, I wonder if we're in for a long wait of many years.  But we're trusting that His timing is perfect and not jumping ahead where we haven't been released to go.

In an odd way, it feels like both everything and nothing has changed. 

Holy Saturday

We aren't sure why we've got to this place, why things aren't going as we wanted or planned, and the life seems to have drained out of it all. That's a Holy Saturday moment. Do what has to be done, and wait for God to act in His own way and His own time.

- N.T. Wright (source)

 Thank you, friend, for following the prompting to send this along today. 

Let us not grow weary

Having others know about journey is mostly a blessing ~ the words of encouragement and the prayers are so precious to me.  But there are times when I have to guard myself against what I think others may be thinking:  Isn't anything happening?  What if they end up disappointed if it never happens?  Surely God didn't actually tell her this.

That temptation to listen to the imagined thoughts is stronger in what feels like a dry season.  There have been times on this journey when the confirmations are flying all around us, when each day brings proof anew.  And then there are the seasons of drought . . .  seasons of doubt, if we're not careful.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9


This morning I was reminded again that God's work takes time.  It takes time to raise a child.  It takes time to invest in people.  It takes time to live out His call in our daily lives.  


New directions don't happen in an instant.  It takes time for the fields of our hearts to be prepared for planting.  Once the seed is sown, it takes time for it to germinate underground before the tiny sprouts break through the soil's surface.  Even then, the plant doesn't yield its fruit immediately.  It takes time for it to grow and ripen. 


Sometimes it is hard to remember this, especially in our quick fix society.  A passage that I read the other day highlighted this.

That has always been the dark side of the American dream, the search for an easy way out, a belief in magic. The endless parade of promises that constitutes the heart of American advertising, one of largest national enterprises, testifies to the deep well of superstition in our national foundation, which has been institutionalized in the advertising business.  Easy money, easy health, easy beauty, easy education - if only the right incantation can be found. - John Taylor Gatto

If we're not careful, we can slip into similar expectations from God, looking for just the right combination of words or deeds to spur His action.   Forgotten God (Francis Chan) carries the reminder that we shouldn't pursue the miracles more than God, nor to expect God to give us particular experiences again and again, because they aren't an end in themselves.   In his sovereignty, God does miracles and gives us experiences when it fits His purposes and timing.  Chan reminds us to pursue God for who He is, not what He might do for us.   We should be modeling our lives after Jesus and desiring the fruit of the Spirit.  We should be listening for God's instructions through His Word and His Spirit, and obeying.

And all of that takes time.

Lord, may I not be so focused on the end result that I miss the journey.  Help me to find You and Your presence and work in each and every day, even (and especially!) the ones that feel utterly ordinary.  At the same time, prepare me for that end result that will really just be a new beginning.

God's timing

Every so often you read something that just stands out like a neon sign, sometimes in the most unusual of places.  And if that something happens to be written by a child, sometimes a simple misspelling can add a whole new twist to a familiar message.

They were working on  a mosaic that would share a message about God or Jesus.  She had pieced the squares together into a rainbow and written a message above it.

God never brakes his promises.

I've read so many times that God doesn't break his promises . ..  but this caught my eye.  God never brakes his promises.   Just last night (at our Higher Hope support group for those who have lost children) we talked about how we sometimes were sure that something was going to happen at a certain time ~ and then it didn't.  Did we misunderstand?  Hear Him wrong?  Not hear Him at all?

But this . .  . God knows.  He knows the perfect timing for His plans.  And what seems like a delay to us isn't a bump in the road to Him.   He knew it was coming, and steered around it, no brakes necessary, to arrive at the destination in His perfect timing.  So maybe next time I'm tempted to slam on the brakes and yank the wheel out of His hands, I'll remember to let Him drive.  Because He's got it all under control, even on a road that is filled with hazards and detours in my eyes.  He will get us there ~ not a moment too soon, not a moment too late, but right on His time.

Lord, I thank you for messages sent through children.  And for Your timing ~ even when I don't understand it.

PS:  Thank you, friend, for snapping that picture for me!  ;)

Little by little

Oh, some days I get so impatient.  It feels like nothing is happening, at least nothing that I can see.  Here we are approaching a year from when the promise was first revealed, and from first glance our lives still look the same (more on the how they have changed later).  It's on days like that when I feel tempted to make something happen on my own.  Just in case God has forgotten.

Then He sends me reminders that everything is still in progress ~ just on His timing.  As the Israelites approached the promised land and God gave them instructions, He also gave them a little heads up on the way His timing would work in conquering this new-to-them land that was filled with enemies.

But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you.  Little by little, I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.  Exodus 23:29-30

If the full blessing, the full promise were given immediately, it would cease to be a blessing.  That land rich with milk and honey would wither, because they weren't ready (in physical numbers) to maintain it.  So wisely, God lets them know that the blessing will instead be given little by little as they increase and are ready for it.

Oh, this struck me today!  How often do I look at the full promise and whine that it isn't being given, when in fact, the very reason it isn't given yet is to protect it until I have increased enough to bear it.  Until my faith has increased, until my belief has increased, until physical circumstances have been readied for it. Were the promise to be fulfilled before that time, it would cease to be the blessing that it could be.

Lord, help me to always remember that when it feels like nothing is happening.

Joyfully awaiting

In this season of Advent, I have found many parallels with our waiting journey.  Preparation of hearts and meditation on His word while awaiting the fulfillment of a promise.  The season began with experiencing a Sabbath meal and day of rest (part of our homeschool curriculum).  My daughter helped bake the challah and we lit the candles, remembering that Jesus is the light of the world.  As we broke the bread and blessed the wine grape juice,  we remembered His words at that first Lord's supper.

An evening of celebrating our church's anniversary followed, as we enjoyed good music, laughter, and fellowship.  We spent the next day in worship, study, and a meal with our church family.  As daddy used some of his down time to get the stable ready, inside we worked on the tree.  The first two ornaments hung were a sparkly star and a scroll with the words "Mighty Counselor, Prince of Peace" that our two children had made that morning in Sunday school.  We set up the nativity scene under the tree, ready for little hands to begin acting out the story.

As night fell, we went out to take in the scene, Mary, Joseph, and the baby Jesus.  A humble birth, simple surroundings, but oh-so-filled with love and life.   For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord.  Luke 2:11

  
We mourned the passing of my husband's grandfather in the midst of family from near and far.  But through the clouds, God's light broke through.  That same weekend, our daughter went forward to declare her belief in Jesus as her Savior and request baptism.  Life ending, new life beginning.

Our family ornament for this year (the third of the so far only three on the tree) captures our life right now well:  Joyful.  Joyfully awaiting.  Joyfully submitting.  And the verse that was included on it will serve as a reminder of when we received our promise.  2/11 .  . . February 11, 2011.  Our Christmas is more humble this year, more mindful of the fact that we're not celebrating our birthdays, but the birth of our King.  Rejoice!




When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. And going into the house they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then, opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh.  Matthew 2:10-11

Puzzled

Yes, around here today we're listening to a 6 year old girl sing that old favorite Christmas carol, "Mark the herald angel sings . . . ."  After telling her the actual lyrics and their meanings, she gave a thoughtful look, then pronounced, "No.  It doesn't make sense that way.  Mark the herald angel sings . .  ."  as she skipped off.

How much that reminds me of myself when I think that I've got something all figured out.  I've run through all the details in my head and made a case for it working out just the way I'm imagining.  Then if something comes up that doesn't quite fit . . . well, I'll admit my first instinct is often to mentally argue it, since I've got it all neatly wrapped up with a bow.

Lord, help me to remember that You have all the pieces to this puzzle, many of which I haven't even seen yet.  And while the parts I can see may look like one thing now, chances are that by the time more of the pieces are revealed, it will become apparent that it's actually part of something much bigger.  Help me not to try to force pieces together that don't belong together, but wait for the matching piece to be turned over.  And open my eyes to the times when I've misunderstood what You have been saying instead of blindly clinging to the way I hear Your words in my own head.

Encouragement in the waiting

Many of these posts are about waiting.  Because that's where we are in this journey.  But as I read the other day, waiting is active. It's not just sitting around lamenting the fact that nothing is happening.  Quite the contrary.  Sometimes it is in the wait that the most is happening.   It is in the wait that we are being shaped and molded.  In the book Couples Who Pray (Rushnell & DuArt), it was emphasized that while prayers aren't always answered immediately, it doesn't mean that God doesn't hear.

It's in the waiting that God does the work.  And in the waiting, He's building your faith.  As promised, "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  Hebrews 11:1

If you are waiting, too,  please go and read The beauty of waiting on Wilderness Pathways. 

There is hope in the waiting. Don’t miss out on the beauty of becoming, the aching beauty of the silence, as you wait. God has promised and planned. It is worth the wait – and sometimes, it is in the waiting itself that we discover just what it is we are waiting for. - Wilderness Pathways

As hard as it is to be in the waiting season, there is beauty in it that I wouldn't want to miss.

Reminders when I least expect it

Sometimes in the midst of hard days that leave me wondering about my capability of getting through life as it is, much less taking on this new venture, God sends little reminders that this is His plan ~ not mine.  As I was sorting through a stack of papers on a cluttered side table, this coloring sheet showed up.  Abigail is wise.  I recognized the stack of coloring pages from the weekend before, when we'd gone to church with my parents during a visit there.  After the children's message, each child is given a clipboard with coloring pages and crayons to use during the sermon.  Several seats down the row with grandma, my daughter was carefully coloring a picture of Abigail.

I was reminded of a story that I'd read early on in this journey about a little girl named Teddi.  Her mama had been given her name several years before she was born on the other side of the world, which was several years before she was adopted.  Tina (One Blessed Nest) tells the story of how God was faithful to keep sending little reminders of His plan as she would see variations of their little girl's name throughout those eight years.  (Thank you, Tina, for sharing your story and helping build my trust!)

The other night was a hard one, and I found myself opening my Bible to a random page.  Sometimes God speaks to me through His word in this way, and the margins of my Bible are increasingly becoming noted with dates of certain verses.  It fell open to the book of Esther, and there in chapter 2, verse 15 I read, "When the turn came for Esther (the girl Mordecai had adopted, the daughter of his uncle Abihail) . . ."  It's not quite Abigail, but it's close.  :)  And it makes me wonder (yet again) if the path He leads us on will end up including adoption.  But for now, there hasn't been any word to move forward in any specific way.


Just to continue praying . . . and preparing . . . and obeying the steps we've been given for now.  Those steps have included beginning to take the first part of any income and giving it to God.  Beginning to pray together (my husband and I) on a regular basis.  Examining the different ways that we are spending our time and our money to see which ones are giving God our best at this season of life.  Opening ourselves to hearing God's voice and direction in all areas of life in ways that we haven't before.  So that when that time does come, we will hopefully be ready.
 

Encouragement

Yesterday was a day of prayer and fasting in the midst of the regular homeschool routines.  Prayer for direction and guidance, for the new HOPE ministry, and for several friends going through valleys.  I've been learning that fasting forces me to draw closer to God, whether it be for a meal or a day, as the standard "comforts" are out of bounds.  Yesterday was tough ~ it had been several months since I'd fasted, and even my normal eating had become more decadent as I found myself reaching for comfort foods.  But God was good, and despite a tired morning, He brought me through it.  A person from my past in need to prayer, tasks to focus on, and even my daily Bible reading included words to cling to:

He has filled the hungry with good things  . . . Luke 1:53a

Despite that, it was a hard day, and the worry over some things was hard to shake.  Fatigue was wearing me down physically and emotionally. Today I woke up fighting a dark cloud of emotion. But then in Mark 1:9-11, I began to really think about how much of the power that Jesus had came from the Holy Spirit.  If even Jesus had the Holy Spirit to perform so many miracles, how much more important it is for us, who are truly powerless on our own, to have the Spirit of the Lord guiding us and giving us strength?

The encouragement continued.  An email from a friend described an answer to prayer.  Another friend stopped by to drop off several books that she had just found at a yard sale around the corner.  As she handed them to me, she explained that even though God hasn't revealed his plan yet, she thought of Abigail when she saw them and wanted to bring them just in case it should turn out that adoption is the route God has to bring us together with Abigail.

On FB, a sidebar showing my status from a year ago read:  From my fortune cookie: Success won't taste so good, without Failure as appetizers.


An email update from a blog that I follow began with the words:

This post may not be for you      
I do not know everyone this post is written for.
I do know that this post is not written for everyone who will read it.
Who is it written for?
Maybe it is only for one person?
I don’t know.
And don’t need to know.
I do know…

It continued on to talk about considering adoption of a child with special needs.  A short time later, a different blog update was dedicated  " to my friends who are waiting faithfully for the Lord to "bring their children home".  And then the icing on the encouragement cake? 

This book, Daughter of Joy, appeared  on Inspired Reads as a free Kindle download, and showed up today on my FB feed.  The main character's name is Abigail.  This is the book that I had just finished reading the night back in February that we received the Abigail promise. 

So many little bits of encouragement that even when it seems that nothing is happening, God knows how it will all unfold.    Earlier this week a friend had sent a message that included the line, "Also, wanted to share that I am finding my mind and heart praying and thinking lots about Abigail lately.....not sure what God has coming up but it seems He is leading me to pray."

All of these things together made for a very encouraging day, and just helped me to remember that this really is God's plan.  He knows what needs to happen, and when it needs to happen so that He gets the glory.  My job remains staying close enough to Him that I can hear when it is time to move.

Prayer request

In the midst of the waiting for our Abigail (no news currently on that front ~ just more time to learn to trust in God and His provision and plan), God has been at work in another direction.  There are a disproportionate number of women at our church who have experienced the loss of at least one child at some stage of pregnancy, infancy, or beyond.  Recently, God has been moving the hearts of several of us in the same direction to begin a new ministry reaching out to others in our community who have walked this painful road, sharing the hope and comfort that we have found in Christ.  As this new ministry is in its formative stages, I'd like to ask for your prayers for the ministry itself, for the women God will be bringing to be a part of it, and for me personally, what my role in it is supposed to be. 

And if this hits close to home for you personally in some way . . . .. I am so sorry that you have had to walk through this valley.  Please know that you're not alone, and consider joining us on October 15 for our first meeting.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.      2 Corinthians 1:3-4

A work in progress

We spent much of late July painting out schoolroom/playroom.  This wouldn't have been a long task or a hard task . . . except for the wallpaper that was covering several of the walls.  Scraping it off gave me lots of time to think.

The wallpaper and border in this room was put up by the previous owners, and while it had served its purpose in beautifying the room then, it was now dated.  Do you ever realize that there is something in your life that you originally thought was good, but that over time you've moved beyond it and are ready for the better?  As I scraped at the clinging bits of wall paper, I couldn't help but think about all those things that seemed like such good ideas at the time, but that later ended up having more control over me than was beneficial.  And when God calls them to your attention, you have to begin the long and messy task of letting Him scrape them away.

How often do I expect the changes in my life to be instant?  To go straight from the spiritual before to after pictures?   But big change usually doesn't work that way.  God starts to peel off our layers, exposing the glue of the false beliefs or the lies.  He soaks us in His truth, which loosens the guck that has been clinging to us.  And then little by little it is scraped off.  Sometimes a huge section will peel off at once, other times a tiny section seems to defy ever coming loose.  And in the process it gets messy.  Little by little though, the change takes place.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  Philippians 1:6

At nearly 6 months later

Some of you have asked where we are at in the Abigail journey.  And the only answer that I can give right now is "I"m not sure."   This is God's plan to bring our lives and Abigail's together, and only He knows so far when and how that will happen. 

So far He is working on small changes in our hearts, small projects around the house, and building our trust in His provision, plan, and perfect timing.  And I guess it is working, because even though we don't really know much more than we did back when the journey began nearly six months ago, I'm ok with that.

The other day my Bible reading included the very first part of Jeremiah, chapter 1:

⁴ The Lord gave me this message:

 ⁵ “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
      Before you were born I set you apart
      and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”

 ⁶ “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!”

 ⁷ The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. ⁸ And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” ⁹ Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,

   “Look, I have put my words in your mouth!
 ¹⁰ Today I appoint you to stand up against nations and kingdoms.
   Some you must uproot and tear down, destroy and overthrow.
   Others you must build up  and plant.”

  

Whether Abigail is already born or not, whether she will be from here or far away, God already knows.  And He is already laying the framework for our lives to intersect in a way that will bring glory to Him.  Like Jeremiah, my first response is to doubt and to give reasons why it's not us, but God's response is always that this is His plan.  And because it is His, my job is made simpler.  Cling to God and do what He asks, when He asks it.  Some days that means stripping down the old wall paper to paint a room.  Others it is being obedience to share His word.  And one day we'll receive more knowledge about how Abigail will be joining us, and what steps we need to take then.

In the next 5 minutes?  5 months?  5 years?    This is God's plan ~ we can't rule ANYTHING out, no matter how unlikely it may seem to us now. 

God's tapestry

Today I received another reminder of just how big God is, as a friend relayed a story that only God could have woven together.  The characters were unlikely and separated by distance, with a situation that seemed hopeless.  But God used past connections, technology, and friendships to bring hope to the family of a small child in another land, who only know of Him from afar.  He used circumstances to soften a heart of one who could help.  He sent the perfect scripture at just the right time.  And out of this situation, potential seeds of faith, acceptance, and mission are born.  God is just getting started in their lives!

As I listened, I was reminded that His plans are so much greater than our.  That He can turn the hurt into hope.  That I can trust that even when it seems nothing is happening with our Abigail journey, He is weaving the necessary threads together.  That some of the threads may have already been woven together long ago.  That a seemingly loose end may even come back to play an incredibly important role.

Encouraged

Today I am encouraged by the realization that God's plan is so much bigger and greater than anything I could dream up on my own.  His timing is more perfect than any I could try to orchestrate.

When I just look out my own narrow window of how Abigail could join our family, it is discouraging, because there are mainly two options that come to mind:  by birth (increasingly unlikely as time goes on) or adoption (financially unlikely at present).  Yesterday I had the strangest sense that something relating to Abigail was imminent, which didn't make sense in terms of these two options.

Today, though, I was reminded that God doesn't operate within the constrictions of my narrow understanding.  Linny at A Place Called Simplicity wrote a beautiful post about how she and her husband became parents to adult African orphans who were still desperately wanting a father and a mother despite no longer being children.   Reading that post, it made me realize that in God's family, a son or daughter can become part of His family at any age.  That maybe in our family, Abigail won't be a baby, or even a small child.  She may not even come to live in our house . . .  or city . .  . or country. 

No matter how hard I try to envision what God has in store, chances are that when it happens He will amaze me with the way it comes about.   Will it be a split instant change when there is a knock on the door or a phone call or email received?  Will it unfold gradually?   It is encouraging to think that in the least likely of circumstances, God could bring our daughter into our lives.   So I live today with anticipation that one day in the (not so distant?) future, we will look at each other and say, "So THIS is how it happens.  Praise the LORD!"

What is my Isaac?

This morning a friend asked where things were at with our journey, and I was telling her that we were waiting.  Waiting for what?  Not sure.  Waiting for how long?  No idea.  Our conversation shifted, and it wasn't long before she brought up the story about Abraham and Isaac.  My first reaction was, "Oh no, you too?  Ok, I take back what I said before about being in a stage of just waiting.  God is obviously trying to prepare me for something."  This wasn't the only time Abrahad's obedience has been brought to my attention recently.

In addition to the conversation this morning, the story of Abraham and Isaac had come up multiple times in the past few days.  In reading Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship,  this story is referred to extensively in the first section of the book on obedience.

Later on he [Abraham] was called by God to offer his own son Isaac as a sacrifice.  Christ had come between the father of faith and the child of promise. .  . He takes God at his word and is ready to obey. . . And at that very moment all that he surrendered was given back to him.  He receives back his son.   God shows him a better sacrifice which will take the place of Isaac. . . .  Abraham receives Isaac back, but henceforth he will have his sone in quite a new way - through the Mediator and for the Mediator's sake. . . . Outwardly the picture is unchanged, but the old has passed away, and behold all things are new.  Everything has had to pass through Christ. (99)

A couple days later this story came up in the discussion between a friend and I over how far we were willing to follow God's call in our lives (somewhat related to Crazy Love).   And just last night, the next story in our evening Bible readings with the children was that of Abraham and Isaac.

What is my Isaac?  What am I going to be called to be willing to give up in obedience to God, even if it is in turn given back to me?   Is it a child?  My spouse?  Homeschooling?  My job?  Control?  Comfort?  Safety?  My time?  Will I trust that God will provide even when there seems to be no out?  What shape will Jehovah-jireh take in the way our lives are intertwined with Abigail's?

Just after coming to this realization of how often God had placed the story of Abraham's obedience before me, the children asked to listen to a Bible story over lunch.  In the book we're using, the next story is that of Abraham finding a wife for Isaac.  Several things stood out to me from that next story.

• Abraham had moved his family from place to place instead of having a permanent settlement in order to keep them apart.  Does my comfort hinder my holiness?
• Abraham's servant prayed for a specific sign in order to recognize Isaac's bride.
• Upon hearing the story, Rebekah's family responded with, "This comes from the Lord; it is his will; and it is not for us to oppose it."  Whatever my worries are surrounding the potential circumstances of Abigail's coming into our life, it is HIS will, and not for me to oppose or try to mold into something that feels easier.
• Instead of waiting the suggested ten days to return, the servant encouraged a speedy return, since God had given Rebekah. Rebekah agrees.   When God asks us to obey, we shouldn't wait.

LORD, help me to take these lessons to heart.  Help me to be willing to obey no matter the cost, trusting in your provision.   Jehovah Jireh.