Living Water

Earlier this year in kindergarten, we learned that Jesus gives our spirits living water to drink.  Looking at the two vases of flowers on the table today,  we were able to review that lesson. In one vase, the water level had visibly decreased by at least 3 inches, and flowers were still fresh and beautiful.  The water level in the other vase had barely gone down, and the flowers were droopy and wilted.  As I was pointing this out to my 5 year old, I realized that the lesson I was teaching was as much for me as for my daugher.

Finishing up the fast, I felt like the first vase.  I was leaning heavy onto God, filling pages in my journal with notes and prayers.  I was drinking deeply of His Word, and He was meeting me there with verses that answered questions and confirmed His plans for us.  For the first time I was successfully tearing down the idols of food and the emotional crutches that were keeping me away from God.  Prayer was feeling more powerful.  My energy levels were up, and I was sleeping well.  I was feeling joy and peace as I went through my days.  On Sunday morning, I really had no desire to return to my old eating patterns again, though I did begin to introduce some things back in meals at church and a celebratory dinner with my family.

Fast forward to today.  This afternoon I was feeling like the second vase of flowers, which had been absolutely beautiful and crisp on Sunday, but which were wilting at an alarming rate.  And I realized that in leaving the fast, I had begun to leave God behind, too.  Instead of several pages of journal and prayer leaning into God a day, I'd only done a couple pages all week. Trying to lean on my own strength led me to several "not beneficial" food choices this week, which quickly sapped my energy and probably contributed to the congestion I'm feeling.  One choice started to lead to another, and I began listening to some of the lies again.  Feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, I found myself staring at a shelf in the cupboard looking for something to lift me out of it. 

But I know where to turn.  I know to reach out and ask for prayer to get back into God's living water, to remember that the Holy Spirit's nourishing guidance is in me.  I am making the choice to pour out the liquid "counterfeit strength" of sugar and caffeine, and replace it with God's living water.  This consecration must be a daily choice, a daily setting myself apart for Him and His work, of remembering that as a believer, He already lives within me and if I let Him, can carry me through the hard choices.  It is not something that *I* must do on my own, in fact, can't do on my own.  It is remembering that there is an enemy quick to feed lies and happy to see me believing that my sin can't be conquered.  It is keeping my eyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.  It is letting His strength flow through me.

Daniel fast wrap-up

What a powerful three weeks it has been!  I started the fast as an act of obedience, as way to consecrate myself to God as my 40th birthday approached, in response to His direction.  From the very tentative first beginnings where I wasn't sure if I would even make it through the day, I found myself leaning more and more into God.  Here is some of what He has shown me during this time.

• He has been teaching me to be joyful always, to pray continually, and to give thanks in all circumstances. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
• He has taught me that while everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial, especially if it becomes my master instead of God.  (1 Corinthians 6:12)
• He has taught me that in His strength, I am capable of much, much more than I can do on my own. (Philippians 4:13)
• I have learned that in the past I have depended on sugar, caffeine, and other foods when troubles come instead of turning to God.
• My body runs better on natural foods.  I have more energy, less insomnia, and am less tired during the day.
• Serving others brings joy.  God made it possible for me to prepare old favorite meals for others in joy.
• I hear God better when I am turning to Him throughout the day.
• If God calls me to do something, He will make a way for it to happen, even if it seems impossible.
• God can use even the seemingly small things for His glory.
• Less focus on food means more time for God's word and prayer, and for others.
• Lifting others up in prayer is a powerful antidote to a bad attitude.
• Water-only fasting for part of the day is a great way to make a Daniel fast seem like a feast!

What will I take from this?  I plan to devote a day a week to a water-only fast till dinner, focusing on prayer.  I want to keep many of the dietary changes, and really decrease the amount of sugar and chemical additives.  I hope to include more plant-based meals into my menu plans.  And I hope that the bonds that I've let food have over me have been broken.  I want to eat for nourishment, not for comfort.

And I'd really like to keep this extra benefit as well:

3 /27 . . . . ..40!

My 21 day Daniel fast is complete.  And completely a success!  God has taught me so much in those short three weeks.  I'll try to jot down some of the lessons I've learned in a separate post.

Today, my 40th birthday, was the first post-fast day.  I got to "feast" (I say that loosely, since much of my eating was still the same) twice at church today, with a carry-in breakfast and a lunch afterwards.  My wonderful church family surprised me with a cake and flowers at lunch, singing Happy Birthday.  Friends showered me with greetings on Facebook, and I received several phone calls.   But as great as that was, it couldn't compare to my sweet children singing me Happy Birthday at dinner.  :-)

Rewind a little, to April of last year.  We went to the Women of Joy conference in Kentucky, and  when I found out that the 2011 conference was going to be on my birthday weekend, with Casting Crowns providing the Saturday night music, I was sure that would be the best way to spend my 40th birthday.  Much of the year I'd looked forward to it.  But as the deadline came to sign up, I kept getting a feeling that I was supposed to be skip it this year.  So a bit hesitantly, I decided to stay home.  And with good reason.  This is where I was supposed to be.

For as wonderful as all the birthday celebrations have been, one present really stands out.  The one from God.  I started my chronological Bible reading this morning in 1 Samuel 23 , then went to a Psalm, then back to 1 Samuel 24.  I turned the page to find that the last section of reading was titled, "David and Abigail", 1 Samuel 25.  Yes, God had given me on my first post-fast day a whole chapter about Abigail!  Only God!  This was a complete God-incidence in timing.  That I chose the chronological plan when I completed the other, that I began in Deuteronomy where I had left off, that I didn't get behind,  that a couple days I accidentally read two days worth in one (my first fasting days!)  . . .  all those little God details that had to go into it to make this very special birthday present from God:  confirmation that Abigail will somehow become our daughter. 

Thank you God, for being the source of joy in my life and for helping me to see the many, many blessings that You have surrounded me with thus far, even those that have come veiled as a trial.

Pressing into Him: Handkerchief Lessons

I'm fasting and praying today for my nephew, who is currently undergoing open heart surgery.  The emptiness in my stomach is causing me to press into God in prayer.  Prayer for Toby and his parents.  Prayer for friends and family who are facing challenges in their lives. 

Today's lesson came from pressing handkerchiefs as I was waiting for news.  Yes, handkerchiefs.  But not for us.  One of the first times I really felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to action was last April at the Women of Joy conference in Louisville, KY.  It had been a good weekend, a growing weekend.  We were in the last session listening to Liz Curtis Higgs, who was giving huge doses of truth and love in between the laughs.  I noticed that the woman sitting in front of me was crying, and had asked her friend for a tissue.  As I watched their quick interaction, I was struck by the thought that I should give her the handkerchief tucked in my purse.  I tried to dismiss the thought, mentally listing out reasons that I shouldn't:  it was wrinkled, she'd think I was crazy, and look, she stopped crying.  Again the nudge came to give her my handkerchief.  This time I bargained:  How about I give it to one of the friends I'd come with instead?  They won't think I'm so crazy, and it will still be a nice gesture.  Again, the nudge.  With an inner sigh, I decided that if she started to cry again, I would hand it to her.  And yes, she began to cry again.  If we've met, you know that I'm about as introverted as one can get.  Going up and tapping a stranger on the shoulder to hand her a wrinkled handkerchief is WAY outside my comfort zone.  But He pushed me past that, and yes, I tapped her on the shoulder, saying "This is wrinkled, but it's clean.  Please take this as a reminder of how much God loves you."  She accepted it with a thanks, and I sat back.  A bit later the conference was closing in song, and we ended up in a tearful embrace as she asked if I'd like her to mail the handkerchief back after she had a chance to wash it. "No, please keep it as a reminder of His love."

That simple encounter really changed the way I viewed those thoughts to do something for another, and made me see that sometimes they really may be nudgings of the Holy Spirit to do God's work.  It also made me think about the nature of grief in our throwaway society.  We soak through paper tissues and toss them into the trash without further thought, as if by doing so we can discard the hard feelings and fling them away.  If grief lingers longer than the attention given to even the biggest news stories, which are so quickly pushed aside by others, we at times feel there is something wrong with us.  Our tears are something to quickly wipe away and discard.

But how different God's word views our tears.  In Psalm 56:8 , we read, "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle;  Are they not in Your book?" God doesn't discard our tears, He keeps record of them.  He captures them.  Before disposable tissues, a handkerchief served much the same purpose.  While washed in between sessions of grief, that same scrap of cloth may have caught the tears of a life.  Lonely tears while waiting for a husband, tears of joy on a wedding day.  Emotionally happy tears of pregnancy, and the bitter tears of losing a child.  Empathetic tears shed for a friend, and grieving tears when a parent died.  Rejoicing tears when a prodigal returned home, and bittersweet tears as a spouse went to join the Lord in heaven.

So I press handkerchiefs.  And as the hot iron presses out the wrinkles, I see my life.  God pressing the sin wrinkles out.  Little by little.  Steam here, a fold there, uncurling my edges.

As I press, I pray.  I press into Him.

Giving up self to find Him

I'm halfway through this 21 day Daniel Fast, a point I really wasn't sure that I would be able to make.  It's definitely not by my own effort.  In the last few years I've barely been able to make it through one day of restricting my eating, much less this many.  God has met me in the hard places, and as a result of leaning into Him, here I am at Day 11.

A quote by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that I read today at A Holy Experience really expresses well what I've been  starting to learn in this past week and a half:

Self-denial means knowing only Christ and no longer oneself.  It means seeing only Christ, who goes ahead of us, and no longer the path that is too difficult for us.  Again, self-denial is saying only: He goes ahead of us, hold fast to Him.

I'm learning that maybe I was the one holding me back in terms of food.  Maybe I wasn't ready to let go of my hold on what I ate.  Maybe I bought into the lie that it's really not possible to eat healthy when others in the family aren't fond of these foods.  As food becomes less of an idol, God becomes more in focus.

I'm learning that God has a way of multiplying.  Meals that fit the Daniel Fast that normally would last one meal are lasting for two, those for two meals are stretching to four.  Not coincidentally, my New Testament reading on some of these days covered the feeding of the four and five thousand.

I'm learning that I've never really tried to lean into God to avoid the temptation.  When I do, He meets me there and gives me the strength to make it through.  He satisfies in a way that giving in to the temptation doesn't.  Prayer is becoming more of a constant companion.

I'm learning joy in serving others when I make my family's favorite meals (that aren't part of my fasting foods) and don't begrudge them for eating them when I am not.  Not everything I do needs to be about me and my desires, or benefit me directly.

I'm learning that to make limited choices seem bountiful, taking even those limited choices away for a spell works.  God has led me to spend a couple of these days fasting with only water for breakfast and lunch, spending the mealtimes in focused prayer for others.  After those days, fruits, veggies, and whole grains taste remarkably satisfying!

I'm learning that God really is enough.

Looking back

I ran across a journal entry from last November, written late one night (almost exactly three months before the promise) when God and I were having a heart to heart.  Some verses that stick out from it are:

And I will give you a new heart with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take your stony heart of sin and give you a heart of flesh.   Ezekiel 36:26

If you need wisdom - if you want to know what God wants you to do - ask him and  he will gladly tell you.   James 1:5

In my journal that is immediately followed by this (now very appropriate) list:

• I am to stop doubting.
• I am to trust in God and His provision and plan.
• I am to endure patiently.
• I am to let go of my idols.

These are the same lessons that He is bringing me through right now, framed in a different lens!

And in another journal, this one from a year ago January, I had begun to try to memorize Psalm 27.  My notes read, "Right now the part that resonates most to me is the final verse ~ Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. ~ He only wants good for us, but sometimes the time for it isn't right.  And in our waiting, we need to do what is right, so that we are ready."

God really has been preparing me for this journey for quite a while!

PS.  Wait, wait, there's more!  A little further on in that same journal from January '10, I've got Psalm 40:1-3 written down.  But in my Bible it is first marked from 9/11/06.  And Psalm 27:13-14 is marked from 9/23/07.  All the dates written beside Psalm 96.  Sing a new song - be strong - courageous - wait on the Lord - ascribe to the Lord .  The pieces are starting to fit together.  God really has been preparing me for this journey for nearly five years!  My heart is singing the new song tonight, the hymn of praise to our God.

Memorial Box Monday: The Broken Crock

The package from my mom arrived in the mail just before Christmas.  I’d say that we put it under the tree, but I’m not even sure that we had a tree that year.  Christmas morning came and I anxiously opened the box, finding all the makings for a pasta dinner nestled into a stoneware crock.  Earlier that year I’d asked my mom to keep an eye open for a crock, for I had fond memories of meals served in them as a child.  The older I got, the more I found myself appreciating the things I’d taken for granted and had left behind in a cross-country move.  As I reached into the styrofoam packing peanuts to pull out the crock, however, I pulled out a triangular shaped shard.  It was  .  . . BROKEN!

Just like me.

A week earlier I’d had a third miscarriage, and was devastated.  For a year and a half we’d been trying to start a family.  At the beginning, we thought we had it all planned out ~ when we’d conceive for the best birth date to match up with the school calendar so that I could have the best combination of maternity leave and summer vacation before returning to my teaching job in the fall.  I was confident that I could control this aspect of my fertility as easily as I’d prevented children for the first years of our marriage.  The stack of books beside my nightstand grew as I read every book our local library had on conception and pregnancy.  I was ready ~ or so I thought.

Our first pregnancy came six months after we’d made the decision to start a family and we were overjoyed.  Before I could even make it into my first doctor’s visit, it ended.  I consoled myself with the thought that “at least we know we can become pregnant” and continued on somewhat less confidently than before.  Four months later we again had an early loss.  This time I comforted myself with statistics (surely after two in a row the next one would stick!) and the thought that the timing wouldn’t have been “right” to mesh with my teacher’s schedule.  Eight long months later we conceived once again, and made it further into the pregnancy than before.  We were hopeful, despite a roller coaster of conflicting signs.  A week before Christmas, that pregnancy ended.  This time there was no confident reassurance of statistics, no self pep-talks.  A year and a half after deciding to start a family we were further away than when we’d begun.  All my best plans had failed.  I was simply . . . BROKEN.

It was at that point that I could finally lay aside enough of myself to hear that God had been speaking to me for many months, but that I’d been too sure that I knew where I was going to listen.  As I pulled shard after shard of broken crock from the packing peanuts, the tears rolled down my face.  This was me ~ I was in pieces too.  One day over Christmas break I spread newspaper out on the kitchen table, and painstakingly glued the crock back together with super glue.  I couldn’t mend my brokenness, but I could fix that crock ~ that was my thought process.  That Christmas break was the beginning of my restored relationship with God as well.

For the longest time I felt guilt about the crock.  I didn’t want anyone to know that it had broken (even fibbed to my mother when I called to thank her for the gift!), and tucked it away in a cupboard.  As God has put me back together these past few years I’ve come to realize the powerful gift He has given me, and what a tangible reminder of that the crock is.  It has been moved from its hiding place in the cabinet and set out in the open as a reminder to me of just how powerful God’s healing hand is in our lives.

For more about Memorial Box Mondays, visit Linny's blog A Place Called Simplicity.


(originally published on one of my other blogs a few years ago)

21 days

This week brought a completion to my first complete read-through of the one year Bible, which left me with the question of where to read next.  I decided on a chronological plan, picking up in mid-Deuteronomy where the other plan had ended.  Several themes have been emerging out of my time in the Word this week.  Be strong.  Have courage.  Wait on the Lord.  Consecrate yourself.  These have been repeated in various Bible verses and chapters, as well as in the pages of other books that I've read.

Then Joshua said to the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do wonders among you."    Joshua 3:5

We have a promise that we will do amazing things in bringing Abigail to us.  I want to be ready and have complete faith that God will do what he said he would do.  If it happens to be adoption that He is planning, there are such BIG obstacles in the way that I wonder how it could ever come about.  Then I notice in Joshua that the river Jordan was in flood stage when the Israelites crossed.  Talk about an impossible task!  But they had faith, and God did what he said he would do.

In the midst of all this, my 3 year old struggles still with getting to the potty on time.  He knows what he should do, but the lure of playing just a little longer wins out.  As I change yet another pair of dirty pants, I find myself wondering if I am really that much different.  There are some areas of my life that I have held on to stubbornly, and refused to yield to God, even though I know that I am not doing His will in them.

While reading The Organized Heart, I find myself in the pages.  "The procrastinator love to hoard her time for herself rather than work diligently in it on the errands and tasks God gives her."  A few pages further I lose a few more toes when I read, "When we eschew our chores for our own hobbies, we show that God does not seem trustworthy to give us the rest we need, so we must take it for ourselves."  While listening to the audio book of Made to Crave, I hear the question of whether I turn to food before God . . .  for comfort, for celebration, when lonely or down, for strength and energy.

I read more . . .
"When God has placed a dream inside you that only He can make possible, you need to fast and pray."

and more .   . .
"Participating in a Daniel Fast requires eliminating commonly enjoyed foods for twenty-one days as an act of worship and of consecrating oneself to God."

All the threads start to come together, and I look at the calendar and realize that three weeks from today, I turn 40.  A new decade of life will start, one that may bring fulfillment of the promise.  But with my present hold on areas that I have been unwilling to turn over to God, I might find myself stranded in the desert, unable to enter the promised land because of my unbelief, my refusal to trust that God won't let me down.

So today I began a twenty-one day Daniel Fast of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, herbs, spices, and water.  My faithful companions of sugar, caffeine, dairy and yeasty bread goodness are not coming with me.  Instead, I will be turning more to God's word and seeking Him in prayer, seeking the comfort and only He can give.

 I ask for your prayers as I enter this period of consecration.  The selfish hold that I've kept on these areas is very strong, and the journey will not be easy.  In addition to drawing closer to God and seeking to know more of His will for our lives, I will be lifting up my nephew in prayer, as he will be undergoing open heart surgery toward the end of the fast.

Joy in the waiting

Psalm 118:24 - "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

The glittered word JOY was hanging by the stairs all along.  I'd forgotten it was there.  Much as I have at times forgotten that joy is always here, even in the midst of trials, if I only have eyes to see.

While we may be waiting for many things, I am realizing that joy isn't one of them ~ it's already here.  In the notes of the book, I read "Abigail means source of joy."  The waiting isn't easy, not knowing how or when she will join our family.  But I see that one of the blessings that can come out of the waiting is finding the joy that has already been given. 

• Joy in a shared journey
• Joy in the daily moments with my children, seeing their hearts expand
• Joy in renewed communication with my husband
• Joy in the knowledge of a promise that will be fulfilled
• Joy in watching God work in the lives of others, in seeing their promises fulfilled
• Joy in the knowledge that we are here to do His work

Lord, help me to always have eyes to see the joy that surrounds me, the ears to hear your truth, and the hands to share it with others.