And he shall strengthen thine heart

After several days away with family, I return to wonder, did I dream it?  It would be so easy to convince myself that I must have been mistaken, that it was wishful thinking. 

But I have promises written on my window, on scraps of paper, and in my heart.  His timing is perfect.  And right now, we are waiting.  Waiting for word of what to do next.  Realizing that in this wait He is refining us, readying us.  Using a speaker at a professional conference to show my dear husband what steps he is to take next ~ not from Bible study or a sermon, like I might have expected.  God is bigger than the boxes we try to fit him into.

In the waiting, we find strength.  And I must remind myself that we may not be the only ones waiting.  Abigail, if you're out there somewhere . . . be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.

Be Still

Still, adjective. (definitions from Webster's 1828 dictionary)

1. Silent; uttering no sound ~ Really, God?  But you've given me a new song to sing.  How can I be silent?  Is this what you are asking?

2. Quiet; calm; not disturbed by noise. This one isn't much easier, really.  How to not be disturbed by the noise of the world?  Of the questions that keep rolling through my mind? Or the doubts that creep in when I try to look at the different ways this promise might be fulfilled.


3. Motionless; as, to stand still; to lie or sit still. Oh my.  This definition is perhaps hardest of all.  Ask my husband, I don't do motionless.  I like to make plans, to research, to put things in motion.  I'm on the go, I have projects, I have plans, I am busy.  But that's right.  BUSY can result in Being Under Satan's Yoke.  How can I wait and be ready when you call?

4. Quiet; calm; not agitated.  This one sounds better, God.  I like the sound of this .  . . calm.  Peace.  Still waters.  Not worried.  Not anxious.  Free to find the joy in today.  JOY!  Free to be ready when God gives us the next step.

Lord, help me to be still and remember that You are God.  Help me remember that you already know how every detail will play out.  And as my husband reminded me last night, that because You know, I need to focus not on any plan of my own making, but in drawing close to You.

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (a verse given to me the day after we found out that we would have a 4th little one in heaven)

Quilt of Blessings

My dreams have always been vivid, active, and varied.  An average night's dream may consist of running from ninjas, or being in a house that is mine, but isn't my current house, or starting as one person but switching into another.  My dreams are full-sensory ones.  I touch, taste, see, smell, and hear.  Many nights it is like being in my own technicolor action flick. 

In 2011, though, I've had a couple of dreams that are distinctly different, even for me.  They have had a distinctly spiritual component, and have woken me up feeling that I had to write them down immediately. 

One of those dreams was this past weekend.  Many of the details of the setting are fuzzy, but there was a large group of people (possibly from my in-dream church) all working together to unload a moving van that seemed to belong to Stephen Curtis Chapman and his wife.  As I carried something into a room, there was a HUGE wedding quilt that spread over much of the room.  On closer inspection, the outer border was made of rectangular blocks in a print fabric, with writing embroidered on them.  I went closer and the first one had a name on the first line, and the words "Prayed at the Altar" underneath.  Each block had the name of a person or couple and the way that they had blessed the couple in some way, either through prayers or a gift, etc.  Dream tears immediately sprang to my eyes looking at the enormous quilt and the legacy of love that was recorded in its stitches. 

I was suddenly awake, and had to write this down, since I just knew that it was a sign that I am to keep a record of all those who play some part in Abigail's journey.  And if it ends up ever being actually put into quilt form . . .. oh my, what a huge quilt that would be! 

If you are reading this, God probably has already been working to put your name on the list, and I am SO VERY thankful for that!

In the waiting

Yesterday was a long, not so easy day.   A much looked forward-to visit from a friend fell through, I was questioning and sidetracked, the kids were picking up on that and whining, and at one point I think we were all three in tears.   The reality that this promise may take YEARS to come to fruition was hitting me, and I was grumpy that it might not come faster.  I was also quickly realizing that the waiting is going to be the bulk of the time until this promise happens.  There will be beautiful moments of seeing God work, yes, but there will be many, many days of living life in wait, of readying myself.   Patience on things like this isn't a strong suit of mine, and discipline much less so.

The morning brought a refreshed attitude, and encouragement.  I'd left a comment on a blog last night (not related to this), and awoke to find a comment here in response.  Not only had she been given a name by God, but she had listed out all the ways that He had been faithful in reminding her of that promise in the 9 long years until her daughter's adoption.  She had been given the promise before the child was even born!  (You can read it here, it's a wonderful story! )  This was such encouragement to me that even if this is a LONG journey, He will not leave us. 

I logged into Facebook to find this verse posted:

For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment.
Luke 1:37 (Amplified)

Little did that friend know that she was posting a verse just for me!

He Knows My Name

One reason that I'm blogging is to keep a record of the gifts that God sends in this process.  I know that there are going to be dark times.  I know that there will be moments that I doubt and question.  I know that there may be LONG stretches where it feels like nothing is happening.   This record will be there for me then, so that I can go back and read of His faithfulness and see how what seemed to be little things at the time are all adding up together to bring Him glory.   This journey is NOT about us.  For the first time since we decided to start a family, this isn't about us wanting to add another child.   This is Abigail's journey, God's plan.

Today I had the blessing to talk to a friend on the phone and fill her in about all that has been going on since Friday.  After listening to me tell the tale so far, she told me how God has revealed to her ahead of time all of their children's names and genders (the most recent one confirmed very recently!), sometimes long before the fact.   :)

Yet another gift that He is sending to assure me that YES, this is real.  YES, He does work this way.  YES,  I can trust him.

Memorial Box Monday: A Valentine Lesson in Giving

Linny over at A Place Called Simplicity shares wonderful stories of how God has worked in her life in a feature called Memorial Box Mondays.  She explains her decision to do this, and shares a truly wonderful story in this first post:  http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/2008/10/how-about-memorial-box-mondays-aka-we.html .  To help me with reminders of God's faithfulness in this new venture that may turn out to be a long one, I've decided to start recording some of these.

Today God had a lesson on giving for us, taught through our 5 year old.  At the end of the homeschool group Valentine party the younger children had balloons to take home.   Ella was excited about taking home a balloon for her brother, since she had one at home from a birthday party over the weekend.  We were putting coats on and saw one of the younger girls was sad about not getting a balloon.  I asked Ella if she wanted to give hers to the little girl who didn't have one.  The wheels turned as she weighed how much she had wanted the ballon versus making someone else happy.  Then she walked over to the other girl and held it out, saying, "Here, this is for you."  And that was that.  No tears were shed, she was fine with giving it away and didn't seem to miss it on the way home.

Later on her daddy got home from work.  He's an elementary teacher and had brought home some of the extra treats from their classroom party.  Before we even had a chance to tell him about the kind act, he pulled out something special:  a balloon for Ella, one for her brother, and an extra.  :)  One of the kids had brought in balloons for the party, and they had a few left over.  It was a perfect pint-size lesson in giving ala Luke 6:38 as she and I told him about her act of kindness.  And a beautiful reminder to me that if God is even faithful for a little girl's desire to have a balloon, how much more faithful will He be in our new venture.

A new song to sing

I mentioned that I was looking for confirmation Friday in the Scriptures and Psalm 98:1 was there.

Well I just pulled out the verse that I'd been planning to memorize next (chosen before this particular journey started in earnest).

Psalm 40:3
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what he has done and be astounded.  They will put their trust in the Lord.

Questions . . . . and no answers

Last night brought the chance for a long heart-to-heart with my hubby. The result? We are on this journey together. He is excited, too, to see what God has in store.

The reality right now is that we are at a place of questions with no immediate answers. For someone who likes control and plans as much as I do, that's a very hard concept. But it's our new reality.

We know that we will have a daughter named Abigail.

And that's it.

No clue on the when. Or the how. Or the where. And not even a full understanding yet of the why.

She will be a source of joy, and God has picked us to be her family. That's a good enough reason to commit to the journey, as scary as it is to face so many unknowns.

The Beginning of this Journey

God sneaks up unawares sometimes. We think that we're the ones pursuing Him, when really, it's the other way around. While groundwork for this journey has been being laid a bit at a time over the past few years, this journey now has a starting point.

This part of the journey began on an unassuming Friday afternoon, 2/11/11 at 5:35 pm. I was just finishing up Daughter of Joy, a free Christian fiction book, on my new Kindle (that I'd patiently saved up my Amazon codes from Swagbucks to purchase). While it had been an enjoyable read, I quickly skimmed the discussion questions so that I could get dinner started.

If you've ever had one of those moments that you just know is bigger than you, that is more than a random thought, one that is life changing . . . . that's what happened next. Discussion question #2 began: Abigail, which means "source of joy" . . .

As I read it, my heart heard the words "Your daughter's name will be Abigail." and I teared up. In the past, I would have immediately thought this meant that we were pregnant. But after 3 miscarriages, 2 healthy children, and another miscarriage two years ago, coupled with the fact that I turn 40 next month make that increasingly unlikely. "Maybe God has another plan for us?" I wondered. Adoption was almost as unlikely as conceiving at this point, given our "just enough" financial situation, and neither one had been on our minds recently.

Dinner preparations found me deep in tearful prayer for our daughter, that God would protect her and bring her to us by whatever means he needed. Opening my Bible, I found myself in the pages of the Psalms, at the beginning of chapter 98. "O sing unto the Lord a new song; for he hath done marvellous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory." Through the thin pages I could see several dates marked on the previous page, which was the beginning of Psalm 96, "O sing unto the Lord a new song; sing unto the Lord all the earth."

I wanted to tell someone, but was oh so hesitant. Who hears messages from God like that in the pages of a book? As the pizzas baked, I slipped in to check my email. There was a friend request from someone I'd never met, a friend of a virtual friend. She'd also sent a message about my profile picture that read, "It looks like you delight in your kids, and that warms my heart." As I was replying, I found myself typing the words, "Yes, they bring me such joy." JOY! My fingers flew to type out a request for prayer, relating in shortened form the story above, to this woman I'd never met or even heard of before, and I clicked send before I could second guess myself.

Her reply later was as if it was an every day event to receive prayer requests about God seeds, and she shared a bit about a truth God had given her and how it led to them adopting, even though all the odds were stacked against it. She told of their daughter being practically "dropped in their laps" and financial hurdles being cleared.

Today I visited the blog of a fairly new local friend who has adopted, to find that her post was all about how they were able to afford adoption. Is this the path that God has for us? Time will tell.

So I am starting this blog in faithfulness to God having another daughter for us, Abigail, who will be a source of joy. This is all I know at this point. Would you pray that we would be open to His will for us and lead where he brings us?