Merry Christmas!

When we lived in Arizona, good friends of ours had a tradition of a Christmas Eve open house.  We spent several of those together eating chowder, reminiscing about the year, and taking a look at the tree ornament they had chosen for that year of life.  As recently marrieds, their collection of nearly 20 ornaments was inspiring to us, and we decided to begin collecting ornaments to represent our life together.  While many of you are too far away to actually stop by, there's nothing stopping us from having a virtual Christmas Eve open house.  :)  

Welcome to our humble abode!  As you come up to the front door, you'll pass our only outside decoration.  This year, we decided to keep things simple ~ though we LOVE driving by the houses of all of you who get great joy out of decorating to the hilt ~ no judgment here  :)  .  The stable is new, and made out of the old baby crib.  Sort of fitting, don't you think?   Watch your step, we still need to clear off the front steps.  Don't look too closely in the corners, and if you write a message in the dust, make it a nice one.  :)

Inside, you'll pass by our Christmas tree, nestled in against the windows.  I'll probably point out our  curtains from God behind the tree.  This year we scaled back the ornaments, including just our very favorites.  If you look closely, you'll see one from the Desert Botanical Garden in Phoenix from our first year of marriage.  A friend had given us tickets to their Las Noches de la Luminarias as a wedding present, and we'll always remember walking the candle lit trails in the chilly December air listening to music at different stations set up throughout the garden.  Another ornament, a blue velvet star, is more bittersweet, as its beads shine in memory of our children awaiting us in heaven.  Thomas the train, Cinderella, and various other ornaments were chosen by our 6 year old and 4 year old.  And I'll show you  this year's ornament, a simple word:  Joyful.   What a joy-filled year it has been, even in the midst of challenges.

Under the tree the kids will point out the gifts to Jesus.  This is new for 2011, and hopefully will become a part of our Christmas celebration.  We've wrapped up reminders of ways that we have been the hands and feet of Christ in this past year:  feeding the hungry, donating for orphans, sending clean water, packing shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, etc.  Come Christmas morning, those will be some of the first presents that we open, along with the stockings.   Then after church and our daughter's baptism(!), they'll tear into their own gifts.



Yummy sights and smells beckon from the dining room.  Frosted sugar cookies are a tradition from my childhood.  The rounded green trees with little sprinkles as ornaments, yellow stars sprinkled with glistening sugar crystals ~ those are memories from my childhood. When I was a newlywed I was on a quest to find the exact cookie cutters in antique stores to continue the tradition.  This year the girl child chose pink frosting to decorate her hearts and mittens, and the boy child decorated a train.  To the green trees, we've added saguaro cactus-shaped cookies, in memory of our life in the desert.  You didn't happen to bring some tamales, did you?   :)

On the side table you'll see a collection jar, with a picture of a church.  Not long ago, the Mr. was convicted to begin getting rid of some of our excess . .   selling it off . . . and using the money to help the poor build a church.  Build a church?  Surely not, God.  But yes, confirmation came from Scripture that this is indeed part of what we are being called to do.  Maybe Abigail is part of this bigger project?  So in faith we are beginning our collection jar. where penny by penny, dollar by dollar, God will bring His idea to fruition.  We don't yet know where, or when, or how, but are trusting that He does.  However it ends up happening, it will definitely by God who gets the glory, because of our own efforts alone, this would definitely not be possible.  (Sound familiar?)  Fitting enough, the first pennies given were from our oldest child.



If you're here at the right time tonight, you can join us in our Advent reading (written by a dear friend for our church).  This year's readings have been just perfect for going through with little ones and help to keep the focus on Jesus.  We'll talk about how you see God working in your life and what a faithful God we serve.  We'll talk, laugh together, shed a few tears, sing Christmas carols (a bit off-key, unless you're the musical one), listen to small children playing in the other room,  and add a few more links to our chain of friendship.

Too quickly, you'll tell me that you have to leave, and the house will empty out.  Once everyone has left, and the house is quiet and dark, I'll probably shed a few tears and thank our God for sending such wonderful friends into my life.  For friends that have been woven into my life over the years, and for those that God has recently sent my way. I thank God for you!

Merry Christmas to you, my friend.  May this year ahead bring a life of joy even in the midst of the hard, may it bring you ever closer to Jesus, and may you find peace in all circumstances.  Would you leave a comment letting me know that you stopped by, so that I can be praying for you on your journey?  And if you need prayers for something specific, send me an email.  It would be a blessing to be able to lift you up in prayer.

 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.  I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.   Psalm 9:1-2

Joyfully awaiting

In this season of Advent, I have found many parallels with our waiting journey.  Preparation of hearts and meditation on His word while awaiting the fulfillment of a promise.  The season began with experiencing a Sabbath meal and day of rest (part of our homeschool curriculum).  My daughter helped bake the challah and we lit the candles, remembering that Jesus is the light of the world.  As we broke the bread and blessed the wine grape juice,  we remembered His words at that first Lord's supper.

An evening of celebrating our church's anniversary followed, as we enjoyed good music, laughter, and fellowship.  We spent the next day in worship, study, and a meal with our church family.  As daddy used some of his down time to get the stable ready, inside we worked on the tree.  The first two ornaments hung were a sparkly star and a scroll with the words "Mighty Counselor, Prince of Peace" that our two children had made that morning in Sunday school.  We set up the nativity scene under the tree, ready for little hands to begin acting out the story.

As night fell, we went out to take in the scene, Mary, Joseph, and the baby Jesus.  A humble birth, simple surroundings, but oh-so-filled with love and life.   For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord.  Luke 2:11

  
We mourned the passing of my husband's grandfather in the midst of family from near and far.  But through the clouds, God's light broke through.  That same weekend, our daughter went forward to declare her belief in Jesus as her Savior and request baptism.  Life ending, new life beginning.

Our family ornament for this year (the third of the so far only three on the tree) captures our life right now well:  Joyful.  Joyfully awaiting.  Joyfully submitting.  And the verse that was included on it will serve as a reminder of when we received our promise.  2/11 .  . . February 11, 2011.  Our Christmas is more humble this year, more mindful of the fact that we're not celebrating our birthdays, but the birth of our King.  Rejoice!




When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. And going into the house they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then, opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh.  Matthew 2:10-11

God's macro perspective

This morning we had our first snow.  One of my favorite things to do on a snowy day is to grab my little point and shoot camera and put it on digital macro setting, then head outside to try to catch some of the ornate wonder hidden there.

From a distance, it just looks like a white blanket, but when you get to looking closely, the flakes can be seen as separate crystals.  Then zooming in, the real beauty shows up:

Each one slightly different, but beautiful.  Perfect hexagons, simple six-pointed crosses, or ornate designs, tucked among the fibers of a scarf or glove.  Beauty even in those that have been marred in the fall. 

The world sees humanity as the mass of bodies, some 7 billion potential consumers.  It's tempting at times to think that we don't matter ~ what's one more voice or one more set of hands?  What difference will my decisions really make in the midst of so many.  But God, He sees us each with perfect vision, zoomed in close.  Amidst the chaos and busyness, His perspective of us is perfect and focused.  And in His perspective, we find the truth of who we are.  Created by God to bring Him glory.

How is it . . .

Do you ever just want to fall to your knees in humility, wonder, and gratitude that the creator of the universe would have a place for us mere humans in His plans?  That He chooses to reach out through us ~ broken, messed up, selfish, sinful us ~ to work in the lives of others?   That well-timed word, the call at the last second, the card that comes out of nowhere, the song that pierces straight to your heart, the kind gesture that shouts of God's love ~ for all of those, I give You thanks.  Thanks for being the recipient of those moments, thanks for being the conduit at times, but thanks most of all for Your love.

Thank you Lord for sending your son.  For your grace.  For the relationship.  For the Holy Spirit's presence within our lives.  For your word.  For your presence.  Thank you!

Do not withhold

Proverbs 3:27 - Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.

On Sunday I began a new read-through of the Bible.  This time

So this post isn't the post that I thought I was going to write.  This morning, after reading this verse, I had notions that this verse was tying in to the messages that my husband has been getting from Matthew 25 about feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, and other ways of providing for the "least of these."  But as the day has worn on and I've had to battle (unsuccessfully, I must add) against the distractions, I've come to realize that this verse is actually aimed right at me.


The me that spent too long on the computer this morning, even if some of it was for "good" purposes.  The me that walked past a  many pile(s) that needed to be picked up.  The me that has yet to get started on the teacher-directed part of school for the day.  The me that needs to put in a load of laundry and make lunch for the two children using their imaginations in the other room. 

The me that needs to stop withholding my best from them, from my husband, and from myself.  Because a mama who is living in the present with an eye heavenward is good.  Because they do deserve it ~ God placed them in my care.   Because it is in my power to act ~ I've just chosen not to do so when my emotions or circumstances feel overwhelming, or when I've given in to selfishness and laziness.

So for the rest of today, I will not withhold good (me, my attention, my energy, my thoughts, my love) from those who deserve it (God, my husband, my children, my friends), when it is in my power to act (which is almost always is).

Puzzled

Yes, around here today we're listening to a 6 year old girl sing that old favorite Christmas carol, "Mark the herald angel sings . . . ."  After telling her the actual lyrics and their meanings, she gave a thoughtful look, then pronounced, "No.  It doesn't make sense that way.  Mark the herald angel sings . .  ."  as she skipped off.

How much that reminds me of myself when I think that I've got something all figured out.  I've run through all the details in my head and made a case for it working out just the way I'm imagining.  Then if something comes up that doesn't quite fit . . . well, I'll admit my first instinct is often to mentally argue it, since I've got it all neatly wrapped up with a bow.

Lord, help me to remember that You have all the pieces to this puzzle, many of which I haven't even seen yet.  And while the parts I can see may look like one thing now, chances are that by the time more of the pieces are revealed, it will become apparent that it's actually part of something much bigger.  Help me not to try to force pieces together that don't belong together, but wait for the matching piece to be turned over.  And open my eyes to the times when I've misunderstood what You have been saying instead of blindly clinging to the way I hear Your words in my own head.

Fear of the Lord

 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.   Proverbs 9:10

In this past week, I have been struck by a new respect for God's power and the way that the Holy Spirit can bring about change in a person's life.  Simply put, the changes that I see beginning to happen in my husband are not of his own making.  They don't fit the patterns that he's become comfortably accustomed to over the years, and aren't something that he's been actively seeking.  He describes with a sense of awe and wonder that his thoughts are changing in many areas, often in ways that he hasn't expected.  But at the same time, he finds a certain peace with them, even when they are a bit scary in their newness and distance outside his comfort zone. 

I'll be honest ~ it's a bit scary!  Because this whole journey isn't something that is happening because we thought it would be a good idea, or because we decided to try to become ultra-spiritual by following some checklist of things to do and not do, or because we wanted another child.  It's not from within.  Back when 2011 began, neither one of us had any clue that by the time the year wrapped up we would be viewing life from a much different perspective, with a greater purpose than our own.

The changes happening make me realize that if all of this truly is God's plan, we really aren't in control.  It's a lesson that I've had to learn over and over, and am still learning daily.  I AM NOT THE ONE IN CONTROL (no matter how much I sometimes think that I am or try to be).  And that's a good thing.  Because what I would choose for my life is so much smaller, so much more bound by what I can see at this moment.  My plan would play it safe, and would result in missing out on so many blessings.  God's plan takes into account things that I have no way of seeing or knowing about now.  His plan is so much bigger than just a comfortable life with my own family. 

And I can't help but wonder, living in a time when choice of religion is considered something that we can pick up or put down as easily as changing our shoes, how much we misunderstand about the power of God.  If we believe that one week we can choose to follow Jesus, and then the next change our minds and follow a different path, then decide to follow none,  what does that say about what we believe in an inherent power in any higher being?  How much do we miss by trying to confine God to a box of our own making?

There's the temptation to treat God much like we do a bottle of vitamins, turning there when we feel weak and need a dose of something more, but if we forget them Him, well, we wonder how much good does it actually do anyway? Aren't we doing pretty well on our own?   I've certainly been guilty of that for far too much of my life. 

My Bible reading the other day included words from Hebrews that stood out as I read them.   Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts  . . . (from Hebrews 3:7 & Hebrews 4:7)  Be careful that you do not refuse to listen to the One who is speaking.  For if the people of Israel did not escape when they refused to listen to Moses, the earthly messenger, we will certainly not escape if we reject the One who speaks to us from heaven!  (Hebrews 12:25)

Lord, that I might always have an appropriate awe and respect for Your power and might, and never doubt that you are capable of so much more than my limited mind can wrap itself around.  Help me to listen when You speak, and more importantly, act on that.  Amen.

Part of something much bigger?

Even as fast as the Abigail references were coming last week, this weekend has been one that we couldn't have anticipated.  God has certainly been working overtime in our lives. 

Friday night we went out on a long overdue date night to celebrate our anniversary (which was back in October).  After a busy couple weeks, we had the chance to really take the time to talk at more length (our own little bubble amidst the peanut shells, cow bells and chaos of a busy restaurant) about what God has been doing in our lives and where we're seeing Him leading us. 

How it's becoming more and more clear that He has been at work in our lives for a very long time.  He clearly had a big hand in our move back to the Midwest six years ago, and brought us to our current church shortly after that.  A walk back through all the different ways that God has been at work in our lives.

And we talked about where it seemed that God might be leading us. That we've both been getting messages along the same lines.   That feeding the hungry and clothing those without and giving to the poor are increasingly important.  That maybe Abigail won't be coming to us ~ but we may be going to her.  That just maybe we're being called to be a part of something much bigger than just one child's life.  That maybe God's work is about to become ours in a much more real way.

I had been praying that the next step in this journey would be revealed to my husband, so that I wouldn't get carried away with the "what if it's this" or "maybe it's that" and somehow get ahead of God.  Hearing that God has been planting thoughts in him for a brand-new direction, that line up with where God has been leading my heart was such confirmation!  And it explained a whole lot of our indecision in some seemingly unrelated areas of life.

By the end of the evening, it was pretty clear that God was calling us to something much bigger.  Our prayers that night, the seventh day of praying together, were at a whole new level of joyfully submitting to God's plans for us.  And then we realized the significance of the date.  November 11th.  Exactly nine months after the promise of Abigail on February 11th.

Praying together

We were supposed to go  to my brother's wedding last weekend, but a certain young boy came down with an intense bout of the stomach flu.  In the unexpected time at home, there was a chance to catch up on some things, and open up a book that was on the to-be-read list, Couples Who Pray.  I didn't expect to come away from that reading with a strong feeling that this is what the next step for us was supposed to be.  An intentional forty days of prayer as a couple ~ and so it begins.  God willing, may it just be the beginning of forty weeks, forty years of praying together each day.  In that simple, yet profoundly intimate act of joining our hearts and voices together before the creator of all, we find ourselves opening up to Him and His plan is a new way. This is new for us.  While we have prayed for each other before, it is often in silence.  And though we've prayed with each other a few times in our 13+ years of marriage, it has been random and isolated.

Humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in His good time He will honor you.  Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you.    1 Peter 5:6-7

In these first short days, it already feels that God is working.  That first day, I read again of the way God often uses 40 day periods to prepare someone for His purposes, and I wonder what 40 days could mean for us.

Day 1 ~ Shared prayer at the end of the day turns a negative, snappy, gloomy day around for the better.  We talk, really talk, for the first time in a couple weeks.  Has it just been a couple weeks?  The lack of communication makes it feel far longer.  I find the coloring page that says "Abigail is wise."

Day 2 - The negative undercurrents threaten to pull me down ~ isolation, disconnect, self-pity.  He prays for me first, when I can barely make words myself through the tears.  I stumble across the word simcha - joy in Hebrew, and read that it is important in Jewish philosophy because when a person is happy, is filled with joy, they are much more capable of serving God and fulfilling their daily activities than when depressed or upset.  Crying out for wisdom from our Father, I flip open my Bible and it lands on Esther 2:15 . . . When the turn came for Esther (the girl Mordecai had adopted, the daughter of his uncle Abihail) to go to the king . . .


Day 3 - Possible answers to a prayer about daily life emerged today.  Seeking wisdom on a financial decision.  Prayed together again, and wondered why it felt so foreign to consider doing this (praying together) just a few days ago.  Time spent in conversation with a young friend searching for answers in her own life.  My FB status is about our Operation Christmas Child boxes.  That brings up a link to their page in the sidebar, and I click Like.

Day 4 - First thing that I see when opening up my FB page this morning is an Operation Christmas Child update (yes, the one that I just liked last night.)  It reads:

In Zimbabwe, Abigail, 13 yrs old, said "Thank you for the gift box I received.  I'm talented in drawing . . . .I received my gift box and was shocked!  Exactly the drawing equipment I needed was inside! . . . Today, I have joy and understand that Jesus is my provider.

God brought a blog post to my attention that was meant for a dear friend, and used me to pass it along to her.  Feeling humbled again to be used by Him!   We pray together again, and wind up looking at a possible opportunity for giving through Sixty Feet next month, struck by how incredibly blessed we are with material possessions and at the same time how they can blind us to the really important things of life.  And it brings up hard questions.  We feel a little bit like that scene in the movie The Matrix where taking the blue pill lets you stay in your comfortable belief in the illusion, while taking the red pill opens your eyes to the reality (often unseen) going on around us.  In this bond of prayer, though, we feel that we're tiptoeing towards the door together.

Day 5 - God wakes me up in the wee, wee hours of the morning with such congestion that I can't sleep.  Instead, it's time for some devoted time with Him that I have missed recently.  Major chunks from my daily Bible reading get copied down, both the New Testament passages pertaining to my attitudes and much of Psalm 107.  After reading last night about a facility that is essentially a prison for children and the efforts to improve conditions there, the lines from Psalm 107:10, 13-16, 22 glared out to me in the predawn light:

Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom, imprisoned in iron chains of misery . . . "Lord, help" they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.  He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains.  Let them praise the Lord for his great love and the wonderful things he has done for them.  For he broken down their prison gate of bronze; he cut apart their bars of iron. . . Let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving and sing joyfully about his glorious acts.

As I clicked online, there was a perfect blog entry about the beauty in waiting, followed by another blog entry about patience, which led to my getting to share our Abigail story with an online friend who was inquiring what God was doing in my life. A quick phone call with a friend to share some of what God is bringing our way.

And then one more blog entry comes my way this afternoon, from a Compassion blogger  traveling in Ecuador.  I read of poverty and our wealth blinding us, and then it comes:

I remember to breathe – remember that it all can begin just one beautiful child at a time, one small, necessary sacrifice at a time.

After the last potatoe eye is buried like a seed in good soil, I take Rosa’s neice’s hand, Abigail and we walk up to eat, and this shaping a life into the Cross-life, could it begin by just simply stretching out a hand?

I watch Abigail across the table too.
I pray too.                                                                             - Ann Voskamp

Again.  Abigail.   Lord, you are working in the wait.  We pray in those last moments before sleep, keep preparing us and molding us to be vessels of Your love.

9 years - HOPE, Part 1

Nine years ago.  While I didn't know it at the the time, that's when my journey to hope began.  It didn't feel like it then.  Instead it felt unthinkable. 

At the time, we were both teachers, living in a townhouse with our cat out in Phoenix.  Life revolved around work, grading papers, watching a heavy slate of television, and going to AZ Diamondbacks baseball games.  We spent too much time discussing how we would be perfect parents (who would always check our child's homework each night and never have crayon decorated walls!  :)  ).  For the most part, life was under our control.  If we wanted to eat out, we did.  Go to a movie?  Sure, any time.  Buy a new car?  Head out one weekend and drive one home.  Have a baby?  Just go off the pill and wait for our carefully planned out schedule to match up maternity leave and summer vacation unfold. (Are you shaking your head yet?  Yes, it was bad.  My planner side had gotten totally out of control, and I didn't even realize it.) 

We didn't even realize what else was missing from our lives then.  At that point, God wasn't invited.  My husband hadn't been raised with any sort of religious upbringing, and while I'd grown up in church, life as a college student and young adult out on my own had pushed me far away.

After several months of trying to start a family, we had gotten a positive pregnancy test early one Saturday morning (by this point we were off the carefully constructed schedule, but had begun to worry about getting pregnant at all.)   I drove across town to a baby shower for one of our young teaching assistants and for the first time, felt responsibility for new life.  My smile that day had to be huge, as I nursed the secret.  We were going to have a baby!  All those months of planning and reading ~ I thought we were ready.  Dreams began to take root in my mind.  What would she look like?  What would we name her? Who would she become?    Who would I become, as a mother?

I remember someone snapping a picture of me at a school event a couple days later and thinking that it was the first picture of me pregnant.  Our little secret!  We began planning how we would surprise our families with the news at Christmas, and starting dreaming of her due date.

Little did I know that our child would be born much sooner than expected ~ and born not into this world.  Before I even was able to make that first doctor's appointment, I had an early miscarriage.  I had so many questions.  Was it my fault?  Did I make a mistake being on my feet during that event?  Was the test wrong?  (Not likely, since I'd taken many.)  Was something wrong with me?  Wrong with the baby?  Was it even really a baby, happening so early?  The doctor acted skeptical that I'd even been pregnant, stating that it had perhaps been a "chemical pregnancy". 

There's an innocence about a first pregnancy, an uneventful pregnancy.  That was shattered on that day nine years ago.  I'm sure that I'd read about pregnancy loss in at least one of that giant pile of pregnancy books that was sitting on the bedside table, but must have skimmed right over it in that "Oh, that wouldn't happen to us" confidence of someone used to being in control.  But at the same time, I clung to the reassurance that we could get pregnant and that all the statistics said that after a miscarriage, most women went on to successfully have a baby.

That's the beginning of our story, really.  Where I first began to realize that maybe, just maybe, life wasn't under my control as much as I thought.  But we still had far, far to go, and hope felt a long way away on that day.

To be continued . .  .

Happy heaven day to the baby that made me a mommy, even if only for a short time together here on earth. 

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere . . . Psalm 84:10

Encouragement in the waiting

Many of these posts are about waiting.  Because that's where we are in this journey.  But as I read the other day, waiting is active. It's not just sitting around lamenting the fact that nothing is happening.  Quite the contrary.  Sometimes it is in the wait that the most is happening.   It is in the wait that we are being shaped and molded.  In the book Couples Who Pray (Rushnell & DuArt), it was emphasized that while prayers aren't always answered immediately, it doesn't mean that God doesn't hear.

It's in the waiting that God does the work.  And in the waiting, He's building your faith.  As promised, "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  Hebrews 11:1

If you are waiting, too,  please go and read The beauty of waiting on Wilderness Pathways. 

There is hope in the waiting. Don’t miss out on the beauty of becoming, the aching beauty of the silence, as you wait. God has promised and planned. It is worth the wait – and sometimes, it is in the waiting itself that we discover just what it is we are waiting for. - Wilderness Pathways

As hard as it is to be in the waiting season, there is beauty in it that I wouldn't want to miss.

Reminders when I least expect it

Sometimes in the midst of hard days that leave me wondering about my capability of getting through life as it is, much less taking on this new venture, God sends little reminders that this is His plan ~ not mine.  As I was sorting through a stack of papers on a cluttered side table, this coloring sheet showed up.  Abigail is wise.  I recognized the stack of coloring pages from the weekend before, when we'd gone to church with my parents during a visit there.  After the children's message, each child is given a clipboard with coloring pages and crayons to use during the sermon.  Several seats down the row with grandma, my daughter was carefully coloring a picture of Abigail.

I was reminded of a story that I'd read early on in this journey about a little girl named Teddi.  Her mama had been given her name several years before she was born on the other side of the world, which was several years before she was adopted.  Tina (One Blessed Nest) tells the story of how God was faithful to keep sending little reminders of His plan as she would see variations of their little girl's name throughout those eight years.  (Thank you, Tina, for sharing your story and helping build my trust!)

The other night was a hard one, and I found myself opening my Bible to a random page.  Sometimes God speaks to me through His word in this way, and the margins of my Bible are increasingly becoming noted with dates of certain verses.  It fell open to the book of Esther, and there in chapter 2, verse 15 I read, "When the turn came for Esther (the girl Mordecai had adopted, the daughter of his uncle Abihail) . . ."  It's not quite Abigail, but it's close.  :)  And it makes me wonder (yet again) if the path He leads us on will end up including adoption.  But for now, there hasn't been any word to move forward in any specific way.


Just to continue praying . . . and preparing . . . and obeying the steps we've been given for now.  Those steps have included beginning to take the first part of any income and giving it to God.  Beginning to pray together (my husband and I) on a regular basis.  Examining the different ways that we are spending our time and our money to see which ones are giving God our best at this season of life.  Opening ourselves to hearing God's voice and direction in all areas of life in ways that we haven't before.  So that when that time does come, we will hopefully be ready.
 

Thoughts from the bookshelf (or e-reader, as it may be)

As much as fall leaves beckon me to come out and crunch through them on sunny autumn days, the written word calls to me on chilly, overcast days that hint at hinter to come.  This fall has brought a couple of library books my way.  I once read (wish that I could remember where!) that while we read books and stories, what we remember are phrases, and that it is those short snippets that end up taking hold in our lives.  In my life, that's definitely been the case.  Long after the plot and characters of a story or the facts of a true account have been forgotten, small snippets remain. 

Here are some of the snippets that have made their way into my story in the past month or so:

• I was born with a plan . . . none of that came true . .  And if it had- if I had lived the life I thought I wanted - I know I wouldn't have experienced the grace or the miracles of God in the ways that I have.  What I've found is that it's in the most unlikely times and places of hurt and chaos that God gives us a profound sense of His presence and the real light of His hope in the dark places.  (Choosing to SEE, Mary Beth Chapman)
• Each act of kindness, the prayers and every gift comfort us and assure us that our spirits will heal, even though the painful loss will always be with us. - Nickel Mines Accountability Committee (Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy, Donald B. Kraybill)
• Proximity to temptation is one of the deadliest determinants of procrastination . . . the more enticing the distraction, the less work we do . . . we work harder for rewards that are unpredictable but instantaneous when the arrive . . . (The Procrastination Equation, Piers Steel)
• Like many another educated adult, I consumed "news" in the same way that I consumed Coke Zero:  in great empty gulpfuls throughout the day.  It was filling but hard to digest, producing an uncomfortable informational flatulence. . . .Their online world had become "the point" - of existence, I mean - and every other kind of interaction constituted a tangent.  An interruption. . . . She never felt entirely hungry, nor entirely satisfied . . .   (The Winter of Our Disconnect, Susan Maushart)
• In spending this money, am I acting like I owned it, or am I acting like the Lord's trustee?  (http://www.goodtobecrazy.com/)
• Imagine you have a great job working in France for 3 months and are staying in a hotel while there.  The rules are, you can send as much money back home as you wish or spend it there, but anything you buy while there you have to leave when you return home.  Would you spend your money on new furnishings for your hotel room, etc., or send it to your real home?  (David Platt)

The Winter of Our Disconnect  was a tale of a mom and her three teenagers who went screen-free for six months, and included many insights from research on digital media and how it affects our lives. I found a lot of my struggles as a "Digital Immigrant" described in this book.   I also found the very different mind-set on parenting expressed in Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua interesting, if not a bit troublesome at times. 

What have you been reading?

Awaiting

Photo by Beautiful Evidence Photography

This weekend we had family pictures taken.  Aside from ones done for the church directory and snapshots during the holidays, this was the first "real" set of family pictures that we've done.  We couldn't be happier with them.  :)  The photographer who took them is also a friend, and she surprised us by having a sign referencing Abigail ready to include in some of the shots (thanks, Sarah!).  It was such a sweet gesture and really captured where we're at as a family right now ~ enjoying the happiness of the present days, but anticipating God's work at the same time.

One day we'll look back at these photos and tell her, "Even then, you were in our hearts."

What if?

What if, at the end, there wasn't an Abigail?  Is it still worth it to walk this path, wherever it ends up leading? 

So far, I would have to say yes, and pray that I'll be able to say that continuously.  This isn't me doubting God's promise ~ it's just me recognizing that a big part of the blessing of this journey is in the obedience, the drawing closer to God, the relationships being strengthened, and the changes that are happening in the right now of our daily lives.  The promise brings joy not only in its fulfillment, but also in the journey.

A hope and a promise

Tomorrow a new ministry at our church begins, HOPE meetings for women in the community who are grieving the loss of a child.  This is very dear to my heart, since we have four babies awaiting us in heaven, and because God reached out to me in the midst of such a painful time to draw me back to Him.  It is our prayer that through this group we'll be able to share the comfort that we have received from God with women who are in the thick such a hard experience.

A lot of my recent focus and prayer has been on this new ministry, but God keeps sending reminders that it is not to be my only focus.  For a time in the midst of the planning, I had even begun to wonder if Abigail was one of the babies that we had lost and that through sharing God's work in the midst of that experience was the way God was going to be glorified.  It wasn't long after that thought that I got another little reminder that no, this is something new.

It has been so inspiring to watch the way that God has gently kept Abigail on my mind even in the midst of the daily life and special projects that are for this season.  Aside from that first promise that was spoken straight to my heart, most of the nudges since then have come either through His Word or through those of you who are supporting this journey with me.  Right when I need it most, one of the verses from this journey shows up or a comment is written here.  Sometimes it's a note letting me know that you've been praying for Abigail or passing along something that reminded you of our journey.

This week, God used one of you to pass along a single sentence that was overhead as someone walked by in the hallway.   "Abigail will be born in (month*)."  The speaker then corrected himself, replaced that month with one five months later, the coming birth of his own daughter.  You thought of our journey, and sent me a quick message.  I was intrigued, but tried to talk myself out of believing that it had much significance.  :)
Still, that single sentence stuck in my mind, so I began praying for confirmation if the month spoken (*which I'm not going to share right now so as not to influence the way this journey unfolds) was relevant to our Abigail. 

I opened up my Bible and landed on a page from 2 Samuel.  The first few paragraphs I read didn't seem to contain any confirmation as it was a description of preparation for one of the many battles in the Old Testament.  Then I landed on verse 25.

Absalom had appointed Amasa over the army in place of Joab. Amasa was the son of a man named Jether, an Israelite who had married Abigail, the daughter of Nahash and sister of Zeruiah the mother of Joab.  2 Samuel 17:25

So I added that sentence to the ever-growing list of ways that God keeps Abigail in my prayers.  It's not going to shape the direction we go, but perhaps was sent as a way of confirming at some point down the road that we are still on the right path or as a reminder that big things are still ahead and not to slack off on the prayers.  In any case, it imbues me with HOPE and reminds me of God's sovereignty.

Cairns

Back in my Girl Scout days, we learned about cairns ~ stacks of rocks beside a hiking trail to let you know that you were still on the right path.

These past weeks have brought those to mind.  While God continues to work and shape us in ways that don't always seem directly related to the Abigail promise, there have been little markers along the way that remind us that yes, we are still on the right path, and no, He hasn't forgotten.


And I am so thankful for those.  Because otherwise it would be far too easy for me to get wrapped up in the day-to-day of parenting, schooling, and ministry and forget that we have been set upon a path.  Don't get me wrong ~ those things ARE the most important things right now, because those are the tasks that God has given for this stage.  But they're not the only things. He has given us the promise now so that when the time comes for it to be fulfilled, we'll be ready.  And some of that readiness means giving our best to the present while at the same time, listening for any steps we need to take for the future.

The cairns come sometimes when I least expect them.  A former student wrote an email about her encounter with a little old lady and her doggie (whom she'd adopted when he showed up homeless on her doorstep).  The dog's name?  Abigail.    A friend telling me how she thought of me when she was on a day trip for her birthday and wound up at a little restaurant for lunch ~ named Abigail's.  Bible verses from this Abigail journey showing up over and over again in books and magazines:  Psalm 40:3, Psalm 27:14 . . .   My 4 year old son coming up and patting my heart while saying, "You've got a baby in there."  (The kids don't know about this promise yet.)   A message from a friend encouraging me to hold tight to this promise and not to second guess it, because in the grand scheme of things, we've only had this promise for about as long as a typical pregnancy.  Another friend loaning me a book (that she was in the middle of reading), because it made her think so much of this situation.  Cairns, all of them, that remind me to give thanks to a Father who knows all the twists and turns of this trail and has already set out markers to guide us along the path.

Isaiah 42:16 - I will lead blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way.  I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them.  Yes, I will indeed do these things; I will not forsake them.

Praying

Sending up prayers tonight for two small children in our area whose mother died in a car crash yesterday.  Their lives have now been forever changed. 

Realizing that if our Abigail comes to us in any way other than biologically, she will most likely bear her own grief over whatever situation puts her in a position of needing a family.

Knowing that our God is a healer, that He can bring good out of even the worst circumstances, and having hope because of that.

Praying.

A steadfast spirit and finding joy

Last Sunday evening, September 11, my husband had opened up his Bible looking for some answers to a situation he was dealing with , and one of the verses that just jumped out at him was Psalm 51:10 - Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
That seemed really familiar to me, more so than just having read through it in the last couple years, so I grabbed one of my journals where I've been chronicling the Abigail journey.  While I didn't see anything there, it fell open to an entry dated 9/11 .  . . . . looking on the page before, from 2006, when I was newly pregnant with my son.

And ...... you guessed it, there at the very top of the page was Psalm 51:10, along with my prayer for God to create a steadfast spirit within me.  Exactly five years earlier, the same verse!

And that's not all.  On the facing page, there's a short list, which is not labelled, so I'm not sure if it came from a book, my own writing, or what exactly, but it reads:

Joy is . . .
- knowing that it's not all up to me
- knowing that God has it all together
- knowing that He can mend our broken pieces
- knowing that this life, however beautiful and terrible, is only a stage
- knowing that a future more wonderful than we can imagine awaits
So I grabbed my big Bible to see if I'd jotted down the part about Psalm 51:10 there from five years ago.  And don't even get that far.  Because there inside the front cover, on one of my post-it notes of verses and dates, it reads:

9/11/06
Psalm 40:1-3

Yes, the Abigail verse was part of that day too!  God has been so faithful in giving confirmation of this journey through His word, in ways that have been in process for many years.


This whole week, joy has been a recurring theme in so many places.  And not always easy joy .  . .  but joy in the midst of hard circumstances, the joy that comes only from God and His redeeming work.

Hebrews 12:2
. . . fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.


PS:  A week later, I just ran across a page in my journal from the very beginning of 2011.  On January 5, Psalm 51:10 was my prayer.  Thank you, Lord, for the way you are using specific verses to build my faith on this journey!

Supersizing my faith

Our yard is at times overrun with creeping charlie, a small-leafed green plant with LONG runners that can take over everything if left unchecked.  While it can be a nuisance, it does have pretty purple flowers and a pleasant scent, and doesn't get overly tall if we haven't mowed for a while.  Normally the leaves are about the size of a dime, like the ones at the bottom of the picture. 

The other day when I took some scraps out to the compost pile, though, I had to look twice at the runners growing across the pile.  The leaves on that creeping charlie were gargantuan!  Huge!  Larger than life!  I'd never seen a creeping charlie leaf that big before, and could hardly believe my eyes.  But something in that compost pile was providing a super dose of nutrients to this plant, and it was producing supersized leaves.

I couldn't help but think how my faith is a lot like those leaves.  Most times it keeps growing by sending out runners, covering a bit more ground, but remaining small.  No wonder, since it often is neglected and lacking sufficient living water.  But like creeping charlie, it takes a lot to kill it, so it doesn't die off completely. 

This year, though, God is taking that small faith and is supersizing it.  There are days when I can hardly soak in enough, the thirst is so great for His word, that living water.  The leaves of my faith are growing ever larger as they are nourished by hearing how God has been faithful in the lives of others that He has called.  Instead of broadening in many directions,  my faith is starting to send down deeper roots as  I read and write and process, some days barely able to scrawl down notes fast enough as the connections come together.  A verse given early on begins appearing again ~ here, from a friend, and over here, in a memoir, and then again in a study on fasting.  There's barely time to wonder where God is going with it all before the next source of nourishment comes and I begin drinking it in as if I'd been without water for days.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what He has done and be amazed.  They will put their trust in the LORD.  Psalm 40:3

Encouragement

Yesterday was a day of prayer and fasting in the midst of the regular homeschool routines.  Prayer for direction and guidance, for the new HOPE ministry, and for several friends going through valleys.  I've been learning that fasting forces me to draw closer to God, whether it be for a meal or a day, as the standard "comforts" are out of bounds.  Yesterday was tough ~ it had been several months since I'd fasted, and even my normal eating had become more decadent as I found myself reaching for comfort foods.  But God was good, and despite a tired morning, He brought me through it.  A person from my past in need to prayer, tasks to focus on, and even my daily Bible reading included words to cling to:

He has filled the hungry with good things  . . . Luke 1:53a

Despite that, it was a hard day, and the worry over some things was hard to shake.  Fatigue was wearing me down physically and emotionally. Today I woke up fighting a dark cloud of emotion. But then in Mark 1:9-11, I began to really think about how much of the power that Jesus had came from the Holy Spirit.  If even Jesus had the Holy Spirit to perform so many miracles, how much more important it is for us, who are truly powerless on our own, to have the Spirit of the Lord guiding us and giving us strength?

The encouragement continued.  An email from a friend described an answer to prayer.  Another friend stopped by to drop off several books that she had just found at a yard sale around the corner.  As she handed them to me, she explained that even though God hasn't revealed his plan yet, she thought of Abigail when she saw them and wanted to bring them just in case it should turn out that adoption is the route God has to bring us together with Abigail.

On FB, a sidebar showing my status from a year ago read:  From my fortune cookie: Success won't taste so good, without Failure as appetizers.


An email update from a blog that I follow began with the words:

This post may not be for you      
I do not know everyone this post is written for.
I do know that this post is not written for everyone who will read it.
Who is it written for?
Maybe it is only for one person?
I don’t know.
And don’t need to know.
I do know…

It continued on to talk about considering adoption of a child with special needs.  A short time later, a different blog update was dedicated  " to my friends who are waiting faithfully for the Lord to "bring their children home".  And then the icing on the encouragement cake? 

This book, Daughter of Joy, appeared  on Inspired Reads as a free Kindle download, and showed up today on my FB feed.  The main character's name is Abigail.  This is the book that I had just finished reading the night back in February that we received the Abigail promise. 

So many little bits of encouragement that even when it seems that nothing is happening, God knows how it will all unfold.    Earlier this week a friend had sent a message that included the line, "Also, wanted to share that I am finding my mind and heart praying and thinking lots about Abigail lately.....not sure what God has coming up but it seems He is leading me to pray."

All of these things together made for a very encouraging day, and just helped me to remember that this really is God's plan.  He knows what needs to happen, and when it needs to happen so that He gets the glory.  My job remains staying close enough to Him that I can hear when it is time to move.

Prayer request

In the midst of the waiting for our Abigail (no news currently on that front ~ just more time to learn to trust in God and His provision and plan), God has been at work in another direction.  There are a disproportionate number of women at our church who have experienced the loss of at least one child at some stage of pregnancy, infancy, or beyond.  Recently, God has been moving the hearts of several of us in the same direction to begin a new ministry reaching out to others in our community who have walked this painful road, sharing the hope and comfort that we have found in Christ.  As this new ministry is in its formative stages, I'd like to ask for your prayers for the ministry itself, for the women God will be bringing to be a part of it, and for me personally, what my role in it is supposed to be. 

And if this hits close to home for you personally in some way . . . .. I am so sorry that you have had to walk through this valley.  Please know that you're not alone, and consider joining us on October 15 for our first meeting.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.      2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Joyfully Submit

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it isn't just me on this journey, but our whole family.

This week it was my husband's turn.  He wrote:

At church on Sunday, I felt the words "Joyfully Submit" calling out to me. (This phrase was not used during service, btw.) Today we're dealing with an extended family emergency. While driving home I was struck again by the words "Joyfully Submit." OK, I say pulling up to the stoplight, I need to turn the worry about this over to God. ...Five seconds later, a semi passes with a cross lit up on the front and the words "God's Way" on its door. -Consider that "Message Received!"

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the little reminders that this is Your plan.

The new "It's Everywhere!" verse

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

This is the new verse that is showing up everywhere lately.  In books I'm reading, blog posts, letters in the mail.  So now comes the challenge:  What am I supposed to do different?  Which part of this verse is God asking me to dwell on and use to make changes in my life?

The Card: Where God Stretched Out His Hand, Part 3

(Read Part 1, Part 2)

Three miscarriages.  Feeling utterly broken.  Uncertain if we'd ever have children.

A fortune cookie that week held the saying, "You'll find hope from an unexpected source."  Part of my tossed it aside cynically, while another part clung to the possibility that it could be true.  Anything to get through the pain that I was feeling as I put on the mask each day that everything was alright.

That long week before Christmas break was finally ending, and our class had begun the Christmas party.  Just a few more hours to get through, then I could go home and collapse in my misery.  One of my students came up and handed me a Christmas card.  I thanked her, and set it aside to open later.  After the students were busy eating their treats, I picked up the envelope.

What I found when I pulled the card out nearly knocked me to the floor.   Instead of the generic holiday card that I was expecting, it was a Christian sympathy card that read, "To Comfort You in Your Sorrow" and quoted Psalm 34:18 on the front.

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart.
Psalm 34:18

Inside, the words "May you find courage to face the days ahead as you lean on God's everlasting arms" were printed.  In the sprawling print of a 4th grader, it was signed with a Merry Christmas and her name.

I hadn't told any of the teachers at school or my students that I was expecting.  My mask had been carefully held in place that week so as not to worry my students.  No one there knew!

As I stood there holding the card with shaking hands, I realized that there was only one explanation ~ somehow God himself had steered that little girl's hand to select this card that looked nothing like a holiday greeting.

That meant that not only did HE know me, but that HE knew what I was going through.  The creator of the universe knew my pain and my hurt at that moment.

For the first time in my life, I knew without a doubt that not only was God real, but that He loved me.  Despite everything that I had done, all the wrong paths and time spent neglecting Him, all the years spent searching for fulfillment from the world ~ God loved me!

And while the pain and the heartbreak for our baby was still fresh and sharp, on that afternoon something new began to grow inside my  heart.  Joy!  Hope!  Gratitude!  I carried the card around for the rest of the afternoon like gold, showing it to any adult in sight, explaining just what God had done for me.

That day was the beginning of a new life, though I didn't realize that at the time.  Over that Christmas break, my relationship with God became real, and I committed my life to Jesus Christ.  I found a church home again after more than a decade, and was baptized as a sign of this new found realization of just how much I needed Him as my savior and Lord.

All because of the obedience of a young girl, who let God steer her hand to work a small miracle in the life of her teacher.

The Card: Where God Stretched Out His Hand, part 2

(Read Part 1)

After two miscarriages, we were finally pregnant again.  With a holiday approaching, we were cautious .  .  . holidays had not been good for the other pregnancies.  My journal from that time reads, "We're pregnant again - at least for the moment."  But Thanksgiving came and went, and we optimistically celebrated with some close friends.  We began planning how we would surprise our families with the news at Christmas.

At first things seemed to be going well.  Then we hit a roller coaster fortnight filled with testing of blood levels and awaiting an ultrasound.  Numbers kept rising slowly and would bring optimism, but spotting continued too, and would fill me with fear.  My emotions bounced back and forth where one moment I would be convinced our baby was already gone, and the next would be filled with desperate hope.  In that desperation, I sent out frantic pleas to God one minute and tried Oprah-style "bathe yourself in positive thinking" the next.

Then the day came in mid-December that we received the final verdict.  The ultrasound showed that this baby didn't make it either.

I felt as if my world had fallen apart.  Three?  Three babies gone?  I was completely broken.  Was it my fault somehow?  Was I that bad a person to deserve this?  Was I being punished?   Didn't God care?  Why did it seem that every unwed teenager I saw had a rounded belly full of life, while mine was a tomb?  Would we ever have children? My days at school were lived on auto-pilot with a carefully pasted on mask that everything was fine.  Since no one had known our short-lived joy, how could they understand our pain?  My evenings were either spent curled up sobbing for my babies and our future, or trying desperately to convince myself and my husband that I was ok.

And then, God stretched out His hand . . .

(to be continued)

The Card : Where God Stretched Out His Hand pt. 1

Eight years ago I was living in Arizona, married to another teacher.  At first, the kids in our classrooms were enough, but after a few years we felt drawn to starting our own family.  In typical planner form,  I drafted out a careful schedule for the venture that would match maternity leave to the school year calendar for the most time off over summer break.  Years of preventing pregnancy had instilled the mindset that all we would need to do to have a baby is stop preventing it, and when the schedule said it was time,  our journey to parenthood would begin.

Or so we thought.  The time on that schedule came and went with no signs of a baby on the way. I checked out every pregnancy book available at the local library and spent every non-work moment preparing.   A few months later, we had a positive pregnancy test and were elated.  I drove across town to a baby shower after seeing that little line with an awareness that I was, for the first time, responsible for another life.  A little girl, I thought.    A week later, on Veteran's Day, that pregnancy ended.   We were sad, and filled with questions:  Were we parents?  Was it really a baby?  Did it have a soul? We rationalized that we could try again and that the next time would be successful.

At this point, God was not a conscious part of our lives.  While I had been raised in church, my time in college and as a young adult had been lived apart from God, and while I would have still identified myself as Christian (because I wasn't actively anything else), there was no outward evidence of this.  My husband was not Christian, and had almost no exposure to any religion outside of what appeared in the media and common culture.  I sent up a few frantic prayers during this first miscarriage, but then ignored God again when it was done.

Several more months passed, and again, another positive test.  This time it was a darker line, and we were optimistic that this would be the one.  By this point I was occasionally reading my Bible again, and my journal contains some awkward prayers Yet once again, the pregnancy ended, on St. Patrick's Day.  Why?  And twice?  We knew almost no one who had experienced a miscarriage, much less more than one.  Was God punishing me? Surely the third time would be the charm. 

Many long months passed.  Impatience had become a constant companion.   By that point, the carefully constructed schedule had been thrown out the window. We would be happy with a baby at ANY time.   We became good friends with a couple who had never been able to have children and were content with life, and began to wonder if that would be us in a few years.

Just when we'd begun to give up hope, I became pregnant again, right before Thanksgiving.


(to be continued)

A work in progress

We spent much of late July painting out schoolroom/playroom.  This wouldn't have been a long task or a hard task . . . except for the wallpaper that was covering several of the walls.  Scraping it off gave me lots of time to think.

The wallpaper and border in this room was put up by the previous owners, and while it had served its purpose in beautifying the room then, it was now dated.  Do you ever realize that there is something in your life that you originally thought was good, but that over time you've moved beyond it and are ready for the better?  As I scraped at the clinging bits of wall paper, I couldn't help but think about all those things that seemed like such good ideas at the time, but that later ended up having more control over me than was beneficial.  And when God calls them to your attention, you have to begin the long and messy task of letting Him scrape them away.

How often do I expect the changes in my life to be instant?  To go straight from the spiritual before to after pictures?   But big change usually doesn't work that way.  God starts to peel off our layers, exposing the glue of the false beliefs or the lies.  He soaks us in His truth, which loosens the guck that has been clinging to us.  And then little by little it is scraped off.  Sometimes a huge section will peel off at once, other times a tiny section seems to defy ever coming loose.  And in the process it gets messy.  Little by little though, the change takes place.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  Philippians 1:6

At nearly 6 months later

Some of you have asked where we are at in the Abigail journey.  And the only answer that I can give right now is "I"m not sure."   This is God's plan to bring our lives and Abigail's together, and only He knows so far when and how that will happen. 

So far He is working on small changes in our hearts, small projects around the house, and building our trust in His provision, plan, and perfect timing.  And I guess it is working, because even though we don't really know much more than we did back when the journey began nearly six months ago, I'm ok with that.

The other day my Bible reading included the very first part of Jeremiah, chapter 1:

⁴ The Lord gave me this message:

 ⁵ “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
      Before you were born I set you apart
      and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”

 ⁶ “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!”

 ⁷ The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. ⁸ And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” ⁹ Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,

   “Look, I have put my words in your mouth!
 ¹⁰ Today I appoint you to stand up against nations and kingdoms.
   Some you must uproot and tear down, destroy and overthrow.
   Others you must build up  and plant.”

  

Whether Abigail is already born or not, whether she will be from here or far away, God already knows.  And He is already laying the framework for our lives to intersect in a way that will bring glory to Him.  Like Jeremiah, my first response is to doubt and to give reasons why it's not us, but God's response is always that this is His plan.  And because it is His, my job is made simpler.  Cling to God and do what He asks, when He asks it.  Some days that means stripping down the old wall paper to paint a room.  Others it is being obedience to share His word.  And one day we'll receive more knowledge about how Abigail will be joining us, and what steps we need to take then.

In the next 5 minutes?  5 months?  5 years?    This is God's plan ~ we can't rule ANYTHING out, no matter how unlikely it may seem to us now. 

Battling temptation

God woke me up early this morning from a dream in which I was dealing with a very real temptation, one that I had in fact given in to in the dream.  But instead of beating myself up for it, in the dream I began to battle back against the situation so that it wouldn't happen again.  As I woke, the things that I had done stood out clearly.

• Enlist prayer from others.  In the dream I pulled a dear friend in and asked her to pray over me to combat the temptation.
• Use God's word as a barrier against temptation.  In the dream this was represented by using a physical Bible as barrier, but in Matthew 4 we read how Jesus used Scripture against the temptations posed by the devil.
• Discovered that saying "I shouldn't . . . " was really a way of giving in to the temptation.  A more definitive "I can't . . ." or "I won't .  . . " made a more decisive action.
• Cut off as much contact with the temptation as possible.
• Pray to see the situation (or person) through God's eyes, so that it is reframed from temptation to object of prayer.  In my dream, this was one of the things that changed the situation the most.
• Don't delay.  Once the temptation is apparent, act immediately to defuse it.

Consider the lillies

This is day lily season at our house, and thanks to the previous owners, we get a beautiful show of Luke 12:27.  Before living here I had no clue that they came in so many different colors.

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.   Luke 12:27

This story should wait for a Memorial Box Monday, but it's too good to hang on to until then.  And no, it's not really about lilies, but about God's provision and care for even the window dressings of our daily life.

It's been a busy couple weeks for projects around the house, and this week God showed up as master decorator.  A month or so ago we bought a new to us loveseat at an incredible bargain price.  While we loved the Southwestern design, it didn't match our living room paint job at all.  So when there was extra paint left from one of the scheduled projects, we jumped at the chance to redo the living room.

Painting began, we found a trim color that we liked, and then realized that we would need new curtains, too.  A quick trip to Walmart and we walked out empty handed after looking at several possibilities.  The color that worked best was out of stock, as were sheets in that color (another option), and the fabric we liked was out of our next to nonexistent decorating budget.

I began praying for curtains as we worked to finish the painting.  The ideal:  green to match the stripe in the loveseat, and $20 or less.  But if that wasn't available, I decided that we could find some inexpensive sheets and dye them the right color, then make up the curtains myself since the chances of finding a matching set for all three large windows second hand seemed slim.

Wednesday morning arrived.  Painting was finished, furniture was moved back in place.  It was time for curtains.  The night before as we went around the dinner table giving thanks, I'd thanked God for the curtains that He would be providing, having no idea yet what they would be.  A bit anxiously, we set off to hit the local thrift and consignment stores.  Our first stop was the Salvation Army store.  As the kids checked out the toys, I started through the racks.  Flat sheets . . . . yes, those might work, but there weren't enough matching.  A couple of ivory curtains . . . . no, not long enough.  

Coming around to the other side of the rack I spied a green color that looked right.  Long window scarves in darker and lighter green.  Yes, they matched!  But how many were there?  Three of each color.  A quick check of the way they were made revealed that I could unstitch the seams and get two panels out of each one, enough to have each window match.  Right color.  Right size.  Right number.   That just left the price.   Definitely right - $2.99 each.  Add in a spool of thread to match, and the total came in at just under $20!  The ideal curtains, straight from God.



I had plenty of time to thank God for the perfect colors as I ripped out seams.  Plenty of time to pray as I pressed the long lengths of fabric.  Plenty of time to marvel at God's providence and care for even little things like curtains as I sewed late, late into the night.  Plenty of time to wonder how my life would change if I truly began to trust Him to provide in all things and not worry when situations seem without solution to human eyes.

And now, every time I walk through my living room, I see a good and perfect gift from my heavenly Father, a beautiful reminder that I can truly trust in God's provision.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  James 1:17