When your world is turned upside down

Bear with me.  Last night's wind storm, though brief, was intense, and the overturning of the neighbor's storage shed into our yard has me thinking.  So for this post, shed = life.  :)

We've all been there. Life is going along somewhat comfortably. Maybe it could use a new paint job, or has a little rusting around the edges, and the door occasionally sticks, but it's our life and we're used to its quirks. It's mostly functional, even if we have packed it full, maybe almost overflowing. We think about clearing things out, or putting in better anchors,  or repairing rusty spots, but something always seems to get in the way.  So we just keep going.


Until the storm.  It sneaks in without warning while we sleep.  Awakened by the crash and the howling wind, the damage has been done and things are turned upside down. 

Life as we once knew it is gone.    Job loss.  An affair.   Unexpected diagnosis.  Car crash.  Death.  Whatever form our personal experience takes, life has just been turned upside down. 

In the dark and the rain, we can only see glimpses of what has happened and fears begin to set in.  What else has been turned upside down?  What gusts are still to come?  What branches are hanging in the dark overhead, just waiting to fall?

Long hours until the dawn breaks and you can begin to see just how severe the damage is.  How much is damaged beyond repair, picked right up and turned on its head? How much is still piled right where it was, unharmed albeit a bit soggy? Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  Psalm 27:14

Are you waiting for the dawn?  Waiting to see if your life will be put back as it was?  Waiting to see if it will be replaced with a newer and better version?  Waiting to see if the old will be scrapped entirely, the foundation scraped away and replaced with something entirely different?

He knows and has already gone ahead of you.  He is mightier than the thunder of the great waters, and mightier than the breakers of the sea.  He will be your fortress, the rock in whom you can take refuge.

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  Psalm 91:4

 Praying for those of you whose worlds are turned upside down.

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(Counting our blessings this morning that the only damage was to a shed and not a house.  And smiling that while the fence is flattened, a tiny patch of daffodils that had begun to break forth from the ground just inches from the landing site are waving in the breeze this morning.)

God Gives Us Food

Today's Memorial Box story is a recent one.  January began with a hard look at our finances, and a renewed emphasis to live within the money that we had, which for that month, meant a very meager grocery budget.  To keep ourselves on track we set up an envelope with cash, and decided to only use cash for our grocery shopping that month.  Midway through the month it was beginning to look like it would be possible to actually stay within that amount, since we'd done a lot of eating from the pantry and freezer.

A challenge came with a request from a close relative to stay with us for a while.  We both strongly felt that this was something we were supposed to do without accepting rent money, at least at first.  But I'll admit, I was really wondering how our grocery budget was going to stretch to cover an additional adult.

That Sunday as I was thinking on a phrase during the sermon on the power of God's words, I opened up my Bible.  It fell open to 1 Kings 17, which tells the story of the widow of Zarephath and Elijah.  Her provisions nearly gone, the prophet asks her to make him bread first, and miraculously, the oil and flour don't run dry.  As I began thinking on the story, I glanced down at my feet, and saw the purple ribbon from my son's Sunday school craft ~ a paper plate with glued on photos of food and the words, God gives us food.   Out of curiosity, I picked up his lesson paper to see what Bible story they had been learning about.  Yes, it was Elijah and the Widow.

As I saw it, I remembered that the night before, our nightly Bible reading with the kids had included the story of Elisha and the widow's oil from 1 Kings 4.

The Widow’s Oil

1The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the Lord. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.”

2Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?”

“Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a little oil.”

3Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. 4Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”

5She left him and afterward shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. 6When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”

But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.

7She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”

 This was getting to be too many references to just be coincidence.  But lest I have any doubts, when I sat down to do my Bible reading that afternoon, one of the chapters scheduled was Luke 4.  Verses 25-26 read:  I assure you that there were many widows in Israel in Elijah's time, when the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was severe famine in the land.  Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them, but to a widow in Zarephath in the region of Sidon.

With renewed confidence that God could stretch our grocery budget, I tackled the project of getting the room ready.  The end of the month brought a huge financial challenge when one of the core components of our heating system went out and needed to be replaced, but He was faithful to provide for it.  And then, just before our house guest was to arrive, an unexpected piece of mail arrived.  A completely unexpected refund of something from several years in the past that was enough to cover the extra food for another adult for the month.  And here at the end of February, it has been enough.  God gives us food!   That paper plate is hanging in our dining room ~ just a preschool craft to some, but a special reminder that God has it all under control to me.

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Do you keep a record of the ways that you have seen God work in your life? Last year I ran across the concept of a Memorial Box from Linny at A Place Called Simplicity.  In times when darkness is threatening to overwhelm and God feels far away (I'm sure had a few of those recently!), going over the stories of God's faithfulness is a spiritual life preserver.

A glimpse back into who I was before

In college, I was an anthropology major.  There has always been something about the discovery of the trail of what makes people tick and how they interact with the world and culture around them that has fascinated me.

One of the delights of this journey has been discovering little ways that the same verse has come up on linked occasions, or finding other little glimpses into the clues that God was giving before the next step was revealed.  At the time, only enough was shown to take the next little step, but when viewed in retrospect, there were little hidden gems along the way hinting at what was to come.

Tonight I discovered just a little smidgeon of that from last year.  In the fall of 2010 we had done a study at church on gratitude, using the book Choosing Gratitude by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  When Ann Voskamp's book on gratitude, One Thousand Gifts came out in early 2011, I wound up getting a copy.  I knew that I had been reading it in January or February, but couldn't have told you when exactly.  At that point I wasn't journaling much, but was participating in an online book club.

An archived copy of a post I made to that book club showed up in a search for something tonight.  Dated 2/11/11, at 10:30 a.m., the post spoke to the impact the book was having on me (still only a few chapters in):

I had wanted her book, then almost didn't get it as I saw the "marketing machine" gear up. I can be a little cynical that way. :) I ended up with a free copy, and I'm so glad that I did. If Choosing Gratitude was an instruction manual, 1000 gifts is the full symphony version. It's hard, it's breathtaking, it's real, it's inspiring, it's challenging, it's beautiful, it's possible. For the place I'm currently at spiritually, each chapter is like throwing open a window onto a joy filled life. It beckons, but has to be reconciled with the current room of my heart and actions. I can't read much more than a chapter at a time before I have to draw back and acclimate myself to the new place it has taken me.

 Oh how funny it is to look back and read those words "like throwing open a window onto a joy filled life" that were written just hours before my life would change forever.  And what a good reminder that we never know when a seemingly normal day will be interrupted by a "burning bush" moment.

A year later . . . God's anniversary gift

A year ago, I had no clue that my life was about to change.   If I remember right it had been a sort of down day, and I'd spent some time that afternoon finishing up a novel that I was reading.  As the clock ticked closer to dinner time, I got the the end of the book, and quickly skimmed the discussion questions at the end.

2.  Abigail, which means 'source of joy," is the heroine of Daughter of Joy.  

5:35 pm, my life changed forever.  Your daughter's name will be Abigail.  Tears sprang to my eyes.  Lord, it that you, I found myself asking?  Not an audible voice, but one that imprinted immediately on my heart. And is the fact that I'm getting the feeling that she may not be joining us naturally also from you?   So, so, so many little things since that moment have confirmed that yes, this was from God.

After putting dinner in the oven that day (ah, I love pizza Fridays!), I logged into Facebook to find a friend request from a "friend of a friend", nudged by God to be sent at the very moment I was getting the message about Abigail, accompanied by a short note:

• love this picture
  it looks like you delight in your kids and that warms my heart

Somehow I found myself telling this as-of-yet unknown woman what had just happened:

Would you pray for Abigail and for us? This all feels extremely surreal, and I have no clue what it truly all means or where it is leading, or even for certain if it wasn't just a random thought. I flipped open my Bible and it fell to Psalm 98. "Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things .. . . ." and then I saw on the page before it, several dates penciled beside Psalm 96, which begins nearly the same. So whatever new song I am to be singing, I accept it.

Thank you for your message. The timing is more than you know, since my first response to it was "Yes, they are my joy."

Not only did this new FB friend not blink at eye at hearing my story, but she responded with a heartwarming story of the way God had called them to adopt and provided for them.

Fast forward through a year of Abigail references popping up in the most unlikely places, well timed Bible verses, and behind the scenes work on our hearts to today, February 11, 2012.  While our lives look, on the outside, like not much has changed, in other ways everything has changed.  Our hearts have changed.

This morning, I opened my Bible to do my daily reading and found God's anniversary gift awaiting me there.  In my current plan, I'm reading a chapter from each of ten different lists.  Today, List 3 was in Hebrews 11.  Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.  By faith.   Yes, God certainly has us on a journey of faith, a journey of hope.  That was good, but List 8 was the real gift.  Because in that list, today's reading was 1 Samuel 25.  Not sure what that one is?  Take a look here. 

Yes, in His infinite wisdom, God arranged for me to land on that chapter on the anniversary of His promise.  Only God!  As I began it in the quiet of the morning, my daughter came downstairs and climbed into my lap, so I ended up reading it aloud to her.  (As she later told her daddy, "I got to hear a Bible story from Mama's Bible ~ all about David and some girl.  :)  )

Lord, we still don't know when.  We still don't know where or how.  But You have confirmed over and over this year who ~ Abigail ~ source of joy, father's joy.  And we thank you!

Little by little

Oh, some days I get so impatient.  It feels like nothing is happening, at least nothing that I can see.  Here we are approaching a year from when the promise was first revealed, and from first glance our lives still look the same (more on the how they have changed later).  It's on days like that when I feel tempted to make something happen on my own.  Just in case God has forgotten.

Then He sends me reminders that everything is still in progress ~ just on His timing.  As the Israelites approached the promised land and God gave them instructions, He also gave them a little heads up on the way His timing would work in conquering this new-to-them land that was filled with enemies.

But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you.  Little by little, I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.  Exodus 23:29-30

If the full blessing, the full promise were given immediately, it would cease to be a blessing.  That land rich with milk and honey would wither, because they weren't ready (in physical numbers) to maintain it.  So wisely, God lets them know that the blessing will instead be given little by little as they increase and are ready for it.

Oh, this struck me today!  How often do I look at the full promise and whine that it isn't being given, when in fact, the very reason it isn't given yet is to protect it until I have increased enough to bear it.  Until my faith has increased, until my belief has increased, until physical circumstances have been readied for it. Were the promise to be fulfilled before that time, it would cease to be the blessing that it could be.

Lord, help me to always remember that when it feels like nothing is happening.

Don't look back

Was it just a short two and a half weeks ago that I posted this picture?  The chaos of the room that I called my "office" had been a feature in our home for several years, despite a bright paint job and repeated attempts at getting it organized, and honestly, there were days I thought taking a match to it would be the only way that I would ever see change. Sometimes, though, God is just waiting for us to be ready before He lights a spiritual match.   And that's what happened.   A short email from my sister asking if she could stay with us for a little while spurred some discussions as to where she should sleep.  The obvious answer was the "office", but it clearly needed a lot of work.  As we set about the task, the feeling that I was supposed to let go of the room for good began to get stronger and stronger.

God was gracious, and arranged for the Hello Mornings challenge to be starting at the same time of this big decluttering project.  Accountability for getting up early and getting my time with Him in before the kids awake for the day ~ that was needed!   Accountability for using some of that morning time to map out the day, so that my time would be more focused.  I found myself getting excited to contemplate a forced change of my habits, as strange as that sounds, and began the shift to calling it "The Yellow Room". 

In Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On: Trusting God in the Tough Times, my reading brought me to a pivotal chapter on surrendering our dreams to Him ~ even those that have come from Him.  No wonder so many of my varied projects for myself have failed ~ they were my  ideas of who I should be, and not God's.  

God puts dreams in our hearts to give us vision and inspiration  and to guide us to the right path.  That's why we have to make sure the dreams we have are not from our own flesh.  The only way to be sure of that is to lay all of our dreams at His feet and let them die.  And we must also die to them. The ones that are not from Him will be buried forever.  The ones that are from Him will be given new life. 

Oh.my.  Talk about challenging, but oh so timely as I sifted through the remnants of past dreams for myself.

A friend encouraged me in those hard hours, and forwarded a piece from her readings for school that spoke right to the process as well:

We simply must come to a place in our lives where we agree to give up old securities which bind us or painful memories which harm us, or dashed dreams which discourage us, or heart aching wounds which prevent us from discovering new dreams and coming into fuller life.  ~  Joyce Kupp

All that stuff?  Idols,  yes.  Remnants of dashed dreams, yes.  Blocking the way for the new.   In hanging on to them, I wasn't trusting in God to bring what I would need for the new ones that He has been planting.  And in fact, it was getting in the way of those new dreams by stealing my time and energy.

Not having the old stuff is a signal that I trust that the best adventures are yet to come. - Lisa Sonora Beam

In Luke 9:60-62, Jesus speaks of releasing our hold to the things of this world.  No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.    We're specifically told not to spend our time looking back at our old lives.  The story of Lot and his wife leaving as Sodom and Gomorrah are about to be destroyed came to mind.  But while we aren't to spend our time looking back on our own failures and past lives, we ARE to remember what God has done for us and retell the stories of His work in our lives.

So the process continued of sorting, of letting go, and only keeping those things which have purpose for this new journey, or that relate to what God has done for me.  And somehow, in one short week, God brought me through a project that I'd been unable to accomplish on my own in years.   The yellow room is cleared of all the clutter, and ready for my sister to call temporary home as she makes a new start in her life.  Even more important, it has been turned over to God to use for His purposes from here on out.   I have no plans to move back into it myself unless that is where He would have me go.  And you know?  It's exciting to think how He might use it, and who might find peace and healing and comfort within its walls.

As for me, I'm enjoying my new desk set-up in the corner of our school room.  Since I only moved those things that I actually use, I've been amazed at how much space I have and how easy it is to maintain (two weeks and counting, and I can still see the top of my desk!).  

The day that it was finished, my morning Bible reading contained Exodus 6:6:  I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians.  I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment.    As I came to the end of that project, I found myself feeling a bit like I had just been freed from not only the physical burden of the clutter, but from the unrealistic expectations that I had held for so long.   And despite the fact that it's a little scary to wonder just why God has chosen this exact time to be bringing me out of it, I'm excited to see what He has in store.

Believing in the promised land

This morning the kids and I were sitting at the table reading our Bible story for school over breakfast.  Today's selection from Numbers told of the twelve men sent to explore the land of Canaan.  Although they returned with tales of the land's bounty, ten of the men wrote off any possibility of entering the land due to the power of the people already living there.  Only two held on to the promise from the Lord.  Joshua and Caleb reminded the Israelites that "If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us.  Only do not rebel against the Lord.  And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up.  Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us.  Do not be afraid of them."  Numbers 14:8-9  As a result of their belief in God's promise, Joshua and Caleb would be the only ones to enter the Promised Land.   All the others, not believing in the power of God to keep His promise despite all the miracles that they had witnessed, would perish during the 40 year exile in the desert.  What blessings would have awaited them if only they had believed!

We talked about the way that God makes it possible for His promises to be fulfilled, even if there are huge obstacles in the way.   I pointed to the Build a Church bank on the table, and likened it to a mountain.  Would a tiny ant be able to move it?   Of course not.  As my son pointed out, he'd squash himself trying.  But to us, it's easy to pick it up and move it.  We made the connection that we are like those little ants sometimes, facing huge obstacles that are in between us and God's plans.  If we try to move them on our own, not only will we fail, but we're likely to be squashed trying.  God is the only one who can move those mountains, and for Him, they aren't mountains at all.    We talked about the importance of believing the promises that God gives us, even when it looks like there is no way that they can happen.

"Kids, did you know that God has given Mama and Daddy a promise?"  I thought that I was going to tell them about building a church, since I'd been sitting there using the bank as a prop.  But instead, I found myself telling them that God had let us know that another child would be joining our family.  That we didn't know when ~ maybe this year, maybe many years from now ~ and that we didn't know how ~ maybe that child would grow inside me or maybe be adopted ~ and that we didn't know if the child would come to us as a baby or as an older child, but that we did know who the child would be.  "God said, 'Your daughter's name will be Abigail.'  Mama and Daddy are already praying for her, and you can pray for her, too."

They began negotiating with each other where she would sleep, and checking to see if they could help take care of her, if she came as a baby.  E looked up with excitement.  "Maybe she'll be from China!"  This is the daughter who began traveling to an imaginary school in China when she was 3, and who told us the other night that she'd like to be a ballerina, artist, and a missionary. 

While it's a small step in the big picture, in many ways, telling our children is a very big step.  Their faith at times dwarfs ours ~ if God says something will happen, then it does.  No second guessing or trying to rationalize the "but what if he doesn't" thoughts.  As adults, we sometimes get so focused on a certain picture of how we think God will keep His promises, that we nearly miss it when He keeps in a way that looks different than we expected.

Abigail, as of 2/2/12, the whole family is praying and joyfully awaiting your arrival.