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December 19th.  Nine years ago it fell on a Friday, and that evening I found myself weeping as the last movie of the Lord of the Rings trilogy concluded.  It was this scene pictured on the right that did it.  The week before I had miscarried our third child, and had no idea if children would ever be in our future.


But despite my tears, there was a new seed of hope.  Earlier that day, one of the students in my 5th grade class had given me a Christmas card.  The card that proved to me that God not only existed, but knew me and my struggles.  And through the tears, my heart warmed.   In the up and down days of waiting to hear if this baby would continue to grow, my fortune after Chinese food read:  "You' will soon receive help from an unexpected source."  At the time I read it, my mind immediately jumped to the hope of that baby making a miraculous turnaround.  I had no idea that God would become real to me in the days to follow, and become my source of help even in the midst of my grief.

In the days that followed, that seed of hope began to grow into a new faith in Christ.  But I struggled so much with wanting a baby, a child.  Some days it felt that no cost was too great.  We looked into adoption and considered fertility treatments.  But questions kept coming into my mind - Did I trust God with this part of my life?  Could I let go of trying to control it myself?  What if we never had a child ~ could I ever really be happy? 

Fast forward to December 19, 2012.  We're planning to see The Hobbit over Christmas break, and will need to find a babysitter for our two children.  Girl and boy, just like the picture.  But even as wonderful as they are, I realize now that they aren't the true source of my happiness.  We have a promise of an Abigail ~ but that promise isn't the source of my joy either (even though her name means joy.)  The very experience of walking this road of faith, of stepping out even when we can't see the end result, and discovering that God is there - ahead of us, beside us -  that's where I'm finding joy and hope. 

The hard times still come, and these next nine years may bring heartache beyond imagine.  I pray that if they do, I won't lose total sight of that ray of hope, however dim it may seem at times.   I pray that I will be able to remember that we only see part of the picture and that from God's perspective things can seem so very, very different.  I pray that above all, I will cling to the belief that God is there and that he knows me in all my circumstances.

A year later . . . God's anniversary gift

A year ago, I had no clue that my life was about to change.   If I remember right it had been a sort of down day, and I'd spent some time that afternoon finishing up a novel that I was reading.  As the clock ticked closer to dinner time, I got the the end of the book, and quickly skimmed the discussion questions at the end.

2.  Abigail, which means 'source of joy," is the heroine of Daughter of Joy.  

5:35 pm, my life changed forever.  Your daughter's name will be Abigail.  Tears sprang to my eyes.  Lord, it that you, I found myself asking?  Not an audible voice, but one that imprinted immediately on my heart. And is the fact that I'm getting the feeling that she may not be joining us naturally also from you?   So, so, so many little things since that moment have confirmed that yes, this was from God.

After putting dinner in the oven that day (ah, I love pizza Fridays!), I logged into Facebook to find a friend request from a "friend of a friend", nudged by God to be sent at the very moment I was getting the message about Abigail, accompanied by a short note:

• love this picture
  it looks like you delight in your kids and that warms my heart

Somehow I found myself telling this as-of-yet unknown woman what had just happened:

Would you pray for Abigail and for us? This all feels extremely surreal, and I have no clue what it truly all means or where it is leading, or even for certain if it wasn't just a random thought. I flipped open my Bible and it fell to Psalm 98. "Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things .. . . ." and then I saw on the page before it, several dates penciled beside Psalm 96, which begins nearly the same. So whatever new song I am to be singing, I accept it.

Thank you for your message. The timing is more than you know, since my first response to it was "Yes, they are my joy."

Not only did this new FB friend not blink at eye at hearing my story, but she responded with a heartwarming story of the way God had called them to adopt and provided for them.

Fast forward through a year of Abigail references popping up in the most unlikely places, well timed Bible verses, and behind the scenes work on our hearts to today, February 11, 2012.  While our lives look, on the outside, like not much has changed, in other ways everything has changed.  Our hearts have changed.

This morning, I opened my Bible to do my daily reading and found God's anniversary gift awaiting me there.  In my current plan, I'm reading a chapter from each of ten different lists.  Today, List 3 was in Hebrews 11.  Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.  By faith.   Yes, God certainly has us on a journey of faith, a journey of hope.  That was good, but List 8 was the real gift.  Because in that list, today's reading was 1 Samuel 25.  Not sure what that one is?  Take a look here. 

Yes, in His infinite wisdom, God arranged for me to land on that chapter on the anniversary of His promise.  Only God!  As I began it in the quiet of the morning, my daughter came downstairs and climbed into my lap, so I ended up reading it aloud to her.  (As she later told her daddy, "I got to hear a Bible story from Mama's Bible ~ all about David and some girl.  :)  )

Lord, we still don't know when.  We still don't know where or how.  But You have confirmed over and over this year who ~ Abigail ~ source of joy, father's joy.  And we thank you!

Awaiting

Photo by Beautiful Evidence Photography

This weekend we had family pictures taken.  Aside from ones done for the church directory and snapshots during the holidays, this was the first "real" set of family pictures that we've done.  We couldn't be happier with them.  :)  The photographer who took them is also a friend, and she surprised us by having a sign referencing Abigail ready to include in some of the shots (thanks, Sarah!).  It was such a sweet gesture and really captured where we're at as a family right now ~ enjoying the happiness of the present days, but anticipating God's work at the same time.

One day we'll look back at these photos and tell her, "Even then, you were in our hearts."

What if?

What if, at the end, there wasn't an Abigail?  Is it still worth it to walk this path, wherever it ends up leading? 

So far, I would have to say yes, and pray that I'll be able to say that continuously.  This isn't me doubting God's promise ~ it's just me recognizing that a big part of the blessing of this journey is in the obedience, the drawing closer to God, the relationships being strengthened, and the changes that are happening in the right now of our daily lives.  The promise brings joy not only in its fulfillment, but also in the journey.

A steadfast spirit and finding joy

Last Sunday evening, September 11, my husband had opened up his Bible looking for some answers to a situation he was dealing with , and one of the verses that just jumped out at him was Psalm 51:10 - Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
That seemed really familiar to me, more so than just having read through it in the last couple years, so I grabbed one of my journals where I've been chronicling the Abigail journey.  While I didn't see anything there, it fell open to an entry dated 9/11 .  . . . . looking on the page before, from 2006, when I was newly pregnant with my son.

And ...... you guessed it, there at the very top of the page was Psalm 51:10, along with my prayer for God to create a steadfast spirit within me.  Exactly five years earlier, the same verse!

And that's not all.  On the facing page, there's a short list, which is not labelled, so I'm not sure if it came from a book, my own writing, or what exactly, but it reads:

Joy is . . .
- knowing that it's not all up to me
- knowing that God has it all together
- knowing that He can mend our broken pieces
- knowing that this life, however beautiful and terrible, is only a stage
- knowing that a future more wonderful than we can imagine awaits
So I grabbed my big Bible to see if I'd jotted down the part about Psalm 51:10 there from five years ago.  And don't even get that far.  Because there inside the front cover, on one of my post-it notes of verses and dates, it reads:

9/11/06
Psalm 40:1-3

Yes, the Abigail verse was part of that day too!  God has been so faithful in giving confirmation of this journey through His word, in ways that have been in process for many years.


This whole week, joy has been a recurring theme in so many places.  And not always easy joy .  . .  but joy in the midst of hard circumstances, the joy that comes only from God and His redeeming work.

Hebrews 12:2
. . . fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.


PS:  A week later, I just ran across a page in my journal from the very beginning of 2011.  On January 5, Psalm 51:10 was my prayer.  Thank you, Lord, for the way you are using specific verses to build my faith on this journey!

Encouraged

Today I am encouraged by the realization that God's plan is so much bigger and greater than anything I could dream up on my own.  His timing is more perfect than any I could try to orchestrate.

When I just look out my own narrow window of how Abigail could join our family, it is discouraging, because there are mainly two options that come to mind:  by birth (increasingly unlikely as time goes on) or adoption (financially unlikely at present).  Yesterday I had the strangest sense that something relating to Abigail was imminent, which didn't make sense in terms of these two options.

Today, though, I was reminded that God doesn't operate within the constrictions of my narrow understanding.  Linny at A Place Called Simplicity wrote a beautiful post about how she and her husband became parents to adult African orphans who were still desperately wanting a father and a mother despite no longer being children.   Reading that post, it made me realize that in God's family, a son or daughter can become part of His family at any age.  That maybe in our family, Abigail won't be a baby, or even a small child.  She may not even come to live in our house . . .  or city . .  . or country. 

No matter how hard I try to envision what God has in store, chances are that when it happens He will amaze me with the way it comes about.   Will it be a split instant change when there is a knock on the door or a phone call or email received?  Will it unfold gradually?   It is encouraging to think that in the least likely of circumstances, God could bring our daughter into our lives.   So I live today with anticipation that one day in the (not so distant?) future, we will look at each other and say, "So THIS is how it happens.  Praise the LORD!"

Giving up self to find Him

I'm halfway through this 21 day Daniel Fast, a point I really wasn't sure that I would be able to make.  It's definitely not by my own effort.  In the last few years I've barely been able to make it through one day of restricting my eating, much less this many.  God has met me in the hard places, and as a result of leaning into Him, here I am at Day 11.

A quote by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that I read today at A Holy Experience really expresses well what I've been  starting to learn in this past week and a half:

Self-denial means knowing only Christ and no longer oneself.  It means seeing only Christ, who goes ahead of us, and no longer the path that is too difficult for us.  Again, self-denial is saying only: He goes ahead of us, hold fast to Him.

I'm learning that maybe I was the one holding me back in terms of food.  Maybe I wasn't ready to let go of my hold on what I ate.  Maybe I bought into the lie that it's really not possible to eat healthy when others in the family aren't fond of these foods.  As food becomes less of an idol, God becomes more in focus.

I'm learning that God has a way of multiplying.  Meals that fit the Daniel Fast that normally would last one meal are lasting for two, those for two meals are stretching to four.  Not coincidentally, my New Testament reading on some of these days covered the feeding of the four and five thousand.

I'm learning that I've never really tried to lean into God to avoid the temptation.  When I do, He meets me there and gives me the strength to make it through.  He satisfies in a way that giving in to the temptation doesn't.  Prayer is becoming more of a constant companion.

I'm learning joy in serving others when I make my family's favorite meals (that aren't part of my fasting foods) and don't begrudge them for eating them when I am not.  Not everything I do needs to be about me and my desires, or benefit me directly.

I'm learning that to make limited choices seem bountiful, taking even those limited choices away for a spell works.  God has led me to spend a couple of these days fasting with only water for breakfast and lunch, spending the mealtimes in focused prayer for others.  After those days, fruits, veggies, and whole grains taste remarkably satisfying!

I'm learning that God really is enough.

Looking back

I ran across a journal entry from last November, written late one night (almost exactly three months before the promise) when God and I were having a heart to heart.  Some verses that stick out from it are:

And I will give you a new heart with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take your stony heart of sin and give you a heart of flesh.   Ezekiel 36:26

If you need wisdom - if you want to know what God wants you to do - ask him and  he will gladly tell you.   James 1:5

In my journal that is immediately followed by this (now very appropriate) list:

• I am to stop doubting.
• I am to trust in God and His provision and plan.
• I am to endure patiently.
• I am to let go of my idols.

These are the same lessons that He is bringing me through right now, framed in a different lens!

And in another journal, this one from a year ago January, I had begun to try to memorize Psalm 27.  My notes read, "Right now the part that resonates most to me is the final verse ~ Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. ~ He only wants good for us, but sometimes the time for it isn't right.  And in our waiting, we need to do what is right, so that we are ready."

God really has been preparing me for this journey for quite a while!

PS.  Wait, wait, there's more!  A little further on in that same journal from January '10, I've got Psalm 40:1-3 written down.  But in my Bible it is first marked from 9/11/06.  And Psalm 27:13-14 is marked from 9/23/07.  All the dates written beside Psalm 96.  Sing a new song - be strong - courageous - wait on the Lord - ascribe to the Lord .  The pieces are starting to fit together.  God really has been preparing me for this journey for nearly five years!  My heart is singing the new song tonight, the hymn of praise to our God.

Joy in the waiting

Psalm 118:24 - "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

The glittered word JOY was hanging by the stairs all along.  I'd forgotten it was there.  Much as I have at times forgotten that joy is always here, even in the midst of trials, if I only have eyes to see.

While we may be waiting for many things, I am realizing that joy isn't one of them ~ it's already here.  In the notes of the book, I read "Abigail means source of joy."  The waiting isn't easy, not knowing how or when she will join our family.  But I see that one of the blessings that can come out of the waiting is finding the joy that has already been given. 

• Joy in a shared journey
• Joy in the daily moments with my children, seeing their hearts expand
• Joy in renewed communication with my husband
• Joy in the knowledge of a promise that will be fulfilled
• Joy in watching God work in the lives of others, in seeing their promises fulfilled
• Joy in the knowledge that we are here to do His work

Lord, help me to always have eyes to see the joy that surrounds me, the ears to hear your truth, and the hands to share it with others.