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December 19th.  Nine years ago it fell on a Friday, and that evening I found myself weeping as the last movie of the Lord of the Rings trilogy concluded.  It was this scene pictured on the right that did it.  The week before I had miscarried our third child, and had no idea if children would ever be in our future.


But despite my tears, there was a new seed of hope.  Earlier that day, one of the students in my 5th grade class had given me a Christmas card.  The card that proved to me that God not only existed, but knew me and my struggles.  And through the tears, my heart warmed.   In the up and down days of waiting to hear if this baby would continue to grow, my fortune after Chinese food read:  "You' will soon receive help from an unexpected source."  At the time I read it, my mind immediately jumped to the hope of that baby making a miraculous turnaround.  I had no idea that God would become real to me in the days to follow, and become my source of help even in the midst of my grief.

In the days that followed, that seed of hope began to grow into a new faith in Christ.  But I struggled so much with wanting a baby, a child.  Some days it felt that no cost was too great.  We looked into adoption and considered fertility treatments.  But questions kept coming into my mind - Did I trust God with this part of my life?  Could I let go of trying to control it myself?  What if we never had a child ~ could I ever really be happy? 

Fast forward to December 19, 2012.  We're planning to see The Hobbit over Christmas break, and will need to find a babysitter for our two children.  Girl and boy, just like the picture.  But even as wonderful as they are, I realize now that they aren't the true source of my happiness.  We have a promise of an Abigail ~ but that promise isn't the source of my joy either (even though her name means joy.)  The very experience of walking this road of faith, of stepping out even when we can't see the end result, and discovering that God is there - ahead of us, beside us -  that's where I'm finding joy and hope. 

The hard times still come, and these next nine years may bring heartache beyond imagine.  I pray that if they do, I won't lose total sight of that ray of hope, however dim it may seem at times.   I pray that I will be able to remember that we only see part of the picture and that from God's perspective things can seem so very, very different.  I pray that above all, I will cling to the belief that God is there and that he knows me in all my circumstances.

Ch-ch-changes

This whole year, this 2012, has been one of change.  Little changes that are big, and big changes that are little.  In the first half of the year, the kids' beloved Aunt E.B. lived with us as she transitioned from college to life on her own.  It was a good, growing experience for us all.  She had been born as I was finishing high school and leaving home, so in many ways it was the first chance I had to really get to know her.

My husband made a job change from a small school nearly 40 miles away to the large local school just a few blocks away.  While it takes a while to get used to a new place, the change has opened up time and opportunities for our family in good ways, and will be great in the long run.

And then there's the second half of the year.  That whole reading through the Bible in 90 days from this past summer?  God decided to use that time to begin leading me personally on a new path back to school.  The official notice came in December that I have been accepted to a graduate program in ministry leadership & spiritual direction.  In plain English?  Walking alongside people to help them see how God is at work in their lives and helping them overcome obstacles that get in the way of living out their faith.

These past months have been filled with prayer, seeking wisdom and discernment.  I have watched things unfold in ways that have only been God's hand. And as they have, another facet of the changes began to emerge, one that I have balked at from the beginning.  Because it didn't fit with the image I had for myself or our family.  Surely not THIS?  

But how can I follow if I'm still clutching this tightly?  And gradually, my hands have unclenched and I've begun to hold them open.  To find that verse from the beginning coming up once again:

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.  Psalm 40:3

This morning found me with a stack of enrollment paperwork for our local school.  And while I wouldn't have imagined it this time last year, and while I'm still grieving the dream a bit, it's clear that this is the path we are supposed to walk at this time.  Come January we will be making a new transition to the local classrooms.  As with most new ventures in life, I imagine it will hold both great joys and great sadness, hard lessons to learn as well as celebrations.  But it boils down to following God's leading in this place, at this time, even when it doesn't fit my mental expectations.

Don't get me wrong ~ I have LOVED having the opportunity to be teacher as well as mom for these past few years.  Home schooling has helped build my relationships with my children as they grew from toddlers into more independent kids, able to read and write and love Jesus.  We've been able to enjoy each other as a family and follow their interests.  They've learned both good and bad from me as their main teacher ~ while in some areas I've put forth my best, being together all the time has meant that they have witnessed firsthand my distracted or down days, and my procrastination.  From their new teachers and classmates, they'll learn both good and bad as well.  And as their mother, I'll remain their teacher as well, especially in the area of faith.  We'll still snuggle on the couch and read and talk and occasionally do something fun and crafty together.  There's a part of me that is a teacher at heart, even if I'm not teaching full-time at home, or full-time at a different school.

To my homeschooling friends, THANK YOU!  You have given me so much support, prayer, and encouragement, and been such shining examples that it was possible to follow God's leading to teach at home.  Even though our paths will be taking a different turn (for a season, at least), I treasure your friendship and will love hearing your updates about your home schools.  I may shed a tear or two, at least at first, but that won't stop me from celebrating your successes with you.

To my friends who have children in public school, children who have already graduated, and those who don't have children, THANK YOU!  Even if you weren't sure about our decision to teach at home, you gave love, prayer, and encouragement, and trusted that God leads us in many different ways.  I continue to treasure your friendship as well, and for those of you with kids in public school, may need to get your advice on the parent side of the classroom.

Where 2013 will take us, we're the first to say, "Only God knows!"  We're trusting that His timing for Abigail will be right, and that if we strive to remain humble and obedient servants, we'll be able to hear his voice when it's time to take action.  In the meantime, we're gearing up to embrace a new season of life around here, and continue to seek His kingdom and share His light as we go.  Keep praying for us?  And we'll do the same.

We live by faith and not by sight

For we live by faith and not by sight. ~2 Corinthians 5:7

Sometimes a long stretch will go by where it seems that things are quiet on the Abigail front.  No little reminders or big events, no nudges for steps to take on this front.  And in those times, I almost begin to wonder.  Is this still happening?  Did I miss a cue?  Are we still on the right path?

And just when the seed of doubt is about to grow, it seems a little something comes along as a reminder.  This time my husband asked late one night if I'd seen the orange card in our 5 year old son's room that had Abigail written on it. 

I hadn't, so the next day he found it for me.  My son proudly announced that he had written it himself.  "We were playing Santa, mama, and I was making presents for baby Abigail." 

Thank you, Lord, for those little reminders that make it easier to live by faith, even when it appears that nothing is happening from my perspective. 

In the middle

That's where I've been these past couple months, in the middle.  As a friend wrote this morning,

Beginnings are shiny and exciting; endings are often hard won and celebrated, but it’s the middle places where the real work is done, where the change occurs, the healing happens, the laughter and tears roll up into each other. - Dana

So often, the change happens without us realizing it.   The initial moments catch our attention, but the real working it out comes over the days, during moments we wrestle with it in the midst of the rest of life.  Maybe while doing dishes or folding laundry or walking the dog or driving to work we catch a few minutes to hammer out more of it with God, then it's right back into the rest of life again.  String enough of those days together, and you realize that somehow, in the midst of it, something that once felt so big or foreign or scary is no longer marked by those characteristics.  It just is.  And it has become part of your life.

That's much the way that God has been working here.  A new idea or a necessary change doesn't happen immediately, but goes through this hammering out in the day-to-day.   Right now there are lots of little threads that have begun to be woven into this tapestry of life, but they're hanging, waiting to be picked back up and woven in when the time is right.

Meanwhile, in the middle .  . .

there is support for a husband with a new job . . .

there is learning to (mostly) read and write (a little) Hebrew . . .

there is the crossing-off-the-list of dishes and laundry and cleaning . . .

there is a part-time job of helping make math less scary for students . . .

there is daily teaching of my own two students, one in 2nd grade, and the other in kindergarten . . .

there is worship and service through our church . . .

there is a graduate class that expands my thinking about God on a regular basis and provides discussion with others . . .

there is reaching out to other women who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or other circumstance later on . . .

there is daily seeking God in his word, striving to listen to and obey his voice . . . 

there is the reading of books (when I get the chance) . . .

there is the writing down of the ways that God seems to be speaking, and what he is doing in our lives . . .

and there are tentative jottings of where life may be headed, so that just in case it does go that direction, we can look back at see how He laid the path step by step and remember that it was, from the beginning, God's path.

Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?  Psalm 27:1 KJV

The past few months have been quiet here on the blog.  Maybe you've wondered the invisible questions that I sometimes thought you have:  Has she given up?  Is scared of moving forward?  Got sidetracked by life?  Was it just a passing fad and she's coming back to her senses?  

While there are admittedly moments where I wonder, when it seems as if nothing is happening that I can turn to and say, "This.  See, this is the next step.",  God is so very, very gracious to then send a little reminder that He is at work.  Sometimes that takes the form of getting to catch up ever so briefly with a friend and hear a long-ago promised story that is even sweeter hearing it in a time of drought.   Other times it is a name that jumps out at me from the blue, like seeing the book title A is for Abigail on the shelf at the library.

Some days, the reminders come straight from the Bible.  Back last May, in the midst of uncertainty over a potential job change for my husband, I took on a challenge to read through the Bible over the summer.  I find myself nearing the end, and this morning my reading in Hebrews just seemed to fly off the page.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  Hebrews 10:23 

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise.  Hebrews 11:11

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.  Hebrews 11:39-40 

Faith.   Belief that God is big enough to do the seemingly impossible.  That the impossible is often what brings the most glory to God, since we aren't able to mistakenly take credit for it ourselves.

Last night I also was reading in the book Anything: the prayer that unlocked my God and my soul, by Jennie Allen, and there were many parts that resonated within me about this journey that we are on.  One of those that really stood out was a section where she envisioned facing God at the end of life, and hearing him ask why she had sought her comfort more than him: 

Why had I loved people more than him?  Why had I sat on every gift he had given me to make him known?  Because I cared more about being judged by everyone else but him?  (p.78)  

The journey of these past few months has been hard to put into words.  It hasn't been so much a physical journey as a spiritual and mental one that I didn't seek out and didn't see coming.  It has involved shifts in my thinking that have made me realize that I can't fit neatly into labelled boxes of human creation, despite my best efforts.  God wired me differently, and He has been the one guiding me through this new territory.  It has been scary at times, because those same boxes are comforting in their close boundaries.  As much as checklists of do's and don't's seem to chafe at times, they hold out a (false) promise that one only has to follow them to find comfort and safety and happiness.  But at the same time, there sometimes isn't much room left for Jesus' call to follow Him in between the checking off of boxes. 

He has been showing me that He is bigger than I ever imagined, and isn't confined just to the places that I think He should be.  It's a little hard to even type these last sentences, knowing that there are some who will read them not as a discovery of God's greatness, but instead as a slide down a slippery slope.  I've read too many arguments from folks on all sides online, and the fear that someone will question the validity of my journey, the orthodoxy of my beliefs, or even my salvation has crept in quietly, leading me to only share some of this within the pages of my journal or very hesitantly with those closest to me.

But a few lines in that same book made me realize that in doing so, I am hiding God's work. 

But so many things about obeying him are weighty.  I am afraid of my capacity to do all of this.  I hate being out there for scrutiny.  I am afraid of what some of it will mean for my family and so many other things.  So why do it?  What if these little acts of obedience were a small part of a matrix of dominoes unfolding the glory of God . . . what if I laid down my life, my domino, and through that unleashed an army of others who laid down and unleashed their obedience, and through this matrix, God's glory was displayed . . . We are all dominoes in this . . . we all have our place in this.  What is yours?  p. 113

 I can let other people down.  If God is for me . . . the God of the universe for me . . . who could be against me?  Whom else shall I fear?  p. 38

Because in the end, while I love all of my brothers and sisters here on earth, you aren't the ones that I'll have to answer to about the choices I made.  And because I'm blessed with friends from all ends of the political and social spectrum, no matter what choice I make, it will leave some (or most?  :)  ) of you shaking your heads from time to time wondering if I've completely gone off the deep end.   But I have to realize that is alright, because in the end, God is the one whose opinion really counts.  When Jesus called me to follow Him, whether I did so or not is what will be considered. 

His calling for me will look different than His calling for you.  And while our paths may run parallel for a time, they remain our own paths.  And when our paths veer in different directions for a time, I promise to listen and rejoice with you as God works, to encourage you to lean always on Him and seek first his kingdom.  Will you do the same for me?

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds . . . Hebrews 10:23-24

So busy looking down . . .

We were winding down a busy week of vacation, and had walked down to the pond on that hot, sunny day to feed the fish. A few clouds had floated by in the distance, but we hadn't even heard a rumble of thunder or seen a single drop of much needed rain.

As the kids tossed food to the fish with Grandma, I wandered the pond bank with my camera, keeping my eyes peeled for little treasures hidden amidst the rocks and grass. A tiny flower here, a little frog there.  Then on the water, I saw a shimmer of rainbow colors, and snapped a picture, assuming it might be an oil slick. My mind started to grumble at whoever must be responsible for it as my eyes stayed peeled to the bank and the water. 


Then I heard a voice behind me call out, "Wow!  Look at the rainbow!"  As I lifted my eyes upwards, sure enough, there nestled into the distant clouds was a beautiful rainbow.   And I'd missed it at first, eyes focused downward, even mistakenly identifying the reflection as something negative.  

It made me wonder how many times I've missed God while focused downward on the craziness of life surrounding me.  How many times could I have simply shifted my focus up, and been met with evidence of God in the midst?

I was shocked to even see the rainbow.  The sunshine and heat that day, the blue skies in the west and overhead, the lack of any rain that had fallen ~ a rainbow was the last thing I expected to see.

But there it was.  A reminder that even when circumstances try their best to convince me that God has left, He is still there.  I need only to turn my focus heavenward.

Preparation, not planning

This week I'm reading through Psalms, and being reminded to sing a new song to the Lord.  Reminded that we are to ascribe to the Lord the change in our lives. 

These past few months have been filled with tiny changes, the kind that you have a hard time describing as they're happening, and that on their own don't seem like much.  But then looking back, you see how far you've come.  I can't wait to share more about it ~ but so far He hasn't given me the words to do so yet.

The yellow room is empty once more.  We shared five good months with the one who stayed there, and she is now out on her own getting settled. 

While nothing seems imminent on the Abigail front, I'm encouraged to remember that the Bible is filled with stories where God's people pray and prepare for his intervention in their lives, instead of trying to predict and plan how he is going to work in advance.  (p. 93-95, The Present Future, Reggie McNeal)  

Our job is to keep praying, keep seeking God's kingdom first.  We're trusting that He will show us when the timing is right to take the next step, and preparing to be able to do that when it comes.  And ironically, in some areas of life, that preparation does involve some planning.  A challenge from a friend to think about where we will be in 10 years brought some of that into focus.  There are areas where we do know what we're supposed to be doing, but not always walking them out day to day.   Putting some of those into focus in the bigger picture makes it easier to make those moment by moment decisions.   In order to get THERE, is the choice we're making HERE going to help or hinder?  That perspective seems especially helpful for those areas that are more a matter of discipline than a one-time step of obedience.

God is at work . . . in our lives, and the lives of many we know.

How is He working in your life right now?

What God Has Been Doing

Despite the silence on the blog, God has been up to big things in the past month.  Many of them haven't quite been at the sharing stages yet, however. 

Yesterday day was Father's Day, and it felt very appropriate that my scheduled Bible reading ended up including the story of David and Abigail.  A good reminder that Abigail won't just be my daughter, but my husband's, too.  And oh, how God has been working overtime in his life!

For the past 7 years, my husband has taught at a school 35 miles away.  He has really enjoyed his time there, and felt that God really led him to that school when we moved to the Midwest.  But for the past few months, there was a discontent with knowing that he would be having to leave a grade that he loved teaching due to enrollment.   Despite this, he was prepared to switch to a new grade and make the best of it in hopes that someday he would be able to get back.

Then in a series of events that could only be God, he ended up applying for a job at the school district a few blocks from our house.  That began a roller coaster of a few weeks that included an interview for a different position than he'd applied for, only to find out he didn't get that job.   We both mourned lost opportunities, while he resigned himself to remaining where he was and taking steps to do that.  Almost immediately, he was contacted for an interview for a different position at the close school, which led to a crazy day of determining whether it would still be possible to make a switch.   That came just before the long Memorial Day weekend, so we spent an agonizing four days waiting to hear back if he would still be able to interview for the position.  He did end up getting to interview for it, and was contacted the next morning with a job offer!  All this in the middle of the end of the school year and dealing with sickness making its way through the house.

So thanks to God's hand at work, instead of commuting an hour and a half each day, it will take less than ten minutes.  The savings in time, gas, wear and tear on the car .  . . almost too much to count.  And, he will still be with the age range that he's come to prefer teaching.

But there's probably more in store that just hasn't been revealed yet.  Because while it would be nice to think that all of that is blessing for doing such a great job, chances are God has a bigger reason for moving him closer.  Whether that is in preparation for new ministry focus, in preparation for Abigail, or both remains to be seen.   In any case, the way the details of this job change came about left us with no question that it was God's hand at work. 

And during this process, I learned more than I dreamed about the way that God can move when something is part of His plans.  So often during it all, I found myself thinking "this will be the roadblock that stops the whole thing ~ God, if this is part of your plan, you'll have to be the one to move the mountain."  And time after time, that's exactly what He did.  I had to face the possibility that I'd put more emphasis on the things that would make our life better with a job move than on the One who could make our lives better no matter what the circumstances.  The depth of my disappointment when it looked like there wouldn't be a job change was humbling, as was the realization that we'd been letting some of our walk with God slip, especially as a couple, in the midst of the daily grind.   I realized that I was approaching this new possibility with guarded emotions, afraid to let myself hope too much ~ quite similar to the way I'd approached pregnancy after miscarriages.

So now we prepare to trade in the green and gold for the orange and black, and head into new directions.  The job change is only the tip of what God is doing in my husband's life.  I can't wait to see what else He has in store!

Change of plans

Bible reading plans, that is.  :)

Last November, I tried to write about my new reading plan, but God had other ideas.  I was finishing up a chronological read through of the Bible (reading along with a great group of women on FB), which had followed my first EVER reading of the entire Bible.   After looking over several different possibilities, one plan just jumped out at me, despite the somewhat lengthy name: Professor Grant Horner's Bible Reading System.  The concept was fairly simple:  Divide the books of the Bible up into several different lists (10, to be exact) and then read one chapter from each list every day.  Some lists would be completed quickly (reading through Proverbs), others would take much longer (Genesis through Deuteronomy).   Since one of the touted benefits was getting to really know where different books are located at in a physical Bible, I decided to set my Kindle aside and pick up my main Bible.  After printing off the bookmarks, I was ready to go, and began in late November.

I have absolutely loved reading through the Bible this way, to my surprise.  Being in so many different places in the same day really has allowed some of the bigger themes to show through.   Starting each reading in the gospels, but then reading from the perspective of the law, the epistles, Psalms, Proverbs, history, prophets, or the early church really gave a better feel for how the Bible fits together.  There were so many times in these past six months that a scheduled reading had to be God-set ~ like winding up on the story of David and Abigail on the first anniversary of the Abigail revelation.   Seeing so many of dates and notes jotted down in my Bible as I flipped back and forth was such an encouragement on days that were dark and dreary.  And yes, I really did gain a much better feel for where different books are at in the Bible.  :)

But for the summer, I'll be setting aside my ten bookmarks for a different plan.   Memorial Day through Labor Day, it's time to dig in for reading the Bible in 90 days.  The timing is interesting, as there's a possibility of some big changes to my husband's work coming.   And despite the outcome of that situation, we probably need to make some changes to the way we approach things as a family.  Wisdom and guidance on that will be much desired!

So as my scheduled reading in Psalms today reminded me:

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what He has done and be amazed.  They will put their trust in the LORD.  Psalm 40:3

I can't wait to see where God meets us this summer, and where we are by the time Labor Day rolls around.

Some days you pray

Some days you pray . . . not for a specific outcome, but for God's purpose to prevail, whether that looks like the plans in your heart or like something different.

Some days you pray . . . to make it through the day.

Some days you pray . . . for those around you to either rest in God's peace or follow the stirrings of the Spirit, and the wisdom to know which is happening in the midst of confusion.

Some days you pray . . . in desperate thanks that someone bigger than it all can see the outcome and is going before you.

Some days you pray . . . because there's not much else you can do that matters, really.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.  Proverbs 16:9

Praising

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.   Proverbs 19:21

How appropriate that this is the final proverb that my 1st grader is memorizing for the year!  A dear friend sent one of the variations of this (Proverbs 16:9) to me the other day as I was fretting about how things would go this week.  And then it appeared in my scheduled Bible reading yesterday.

Perfect timing.  Because honestly, last week I was drifting too far into the realm of "this MUST happen" ~ and losing sight of the who would make it happen.  This week brings the possibility of a change in our daily lives, but the reality is, unless we have our focus on the right person, even the best of changes will fall short.

So I'm praising the One who holds our future, who has a plan for us that will unfold when the the time is right, and praying for patience as we wait to see whether this potential change is part of that plan.

Foundations

There's a house just across the street that always has had such a nicely landscaped yard.  No weeds in the flower beds out front, the grass always trimmed right on schedule . . . in contrast to the overgrown flower beds and grass in dire need of a mowing here.  I'll admit, there have been times I've looked out the window and felt the guilt creeping in . . . guilt for not keeping the flowers weeded as well as the former owners, or for letting the yard go a few too many days in between mowings.   Small children, homeschooling, and teaching schedules will do that to a yard.

But over the past week, some interesting things have been happening.  At first it was a curiosity . . . the neatly manicured hedges were ripped out.  Then came the truck loaded down with steel beams and railroad ties.   As we watched out the window in between lessons, holes were knocked in in the foundation and the beams maneuvered under the house.  By the end of the day, the house had been lifted high enough for someone to crouch down and walk underneath.  Today though, it really got interesting.  Quietly, without any roar of loud machinery, with just the buzz of a small Bobcat and a few suspendered & straw hatted workers,  a temporary support was built and the house was simply slid over to the side, completely off the foundation.  Just like that. 

How often our faith is like that house!  It looks neat and put together on the outside.  But there are small tell-tale signs that something isn't quite right.  Maybe tiny cracks appear, or the door that once opened so smoothly has started to stick.  As we investigate, we realize that some of that put together appearance is just decoration . . . the landscaping. The foundation may look solid from the outside edges and seem to fit together oh-so-neatly.  But what is underneath, at the heart?  Leaving it alone seems easier for the time being . . . but in the long run, leads to collapse.  The scary part comes next, when holes are knocked into that oh-so-nice looking foundation.  Holes of questioning?  Of doubt? Will the whole thing come crashing down?

Temporary supports find an opening through those holes, though.  And before you know it, you've slid right off of the old foundation and found that the temporary beams can support it even while balanced on what seems a precarious stack.  Maybe that's you, or someone dear to you, and it appears that faith has slid completely off of its foundations and is in a whole different place ~ that scary place of being "up in the air."  We try to push back onto the old foundation, to put things the way they were.  We don't realize that this is temporary and necessary for a solid future.  It's hard to trust that the temporary supports will hold steady. 

But the old foundation is now exposed for what it truly was ~ not a solid, neat, tight-fitting base, but a mixed up conglomeration of things that worked and things that didn't.  Of strong walls alongside crumbling ones.  Essential plumbing running throughout old ruins.  All previously hidden behind a neat outer facade that looked strong. But now rebuilding the foundation can begin and strength restored.  No longer covering up the crumbling weak spots with something that looks good but won't hold.  But building a solid foundation of truth and grace and love and trust and listening and obedience.  Cementing together bricks of relationship and community and unity in Jesus.  Restoring a foundation that is strong enough to weather the rains.  So that when you slide back onto the foundation, it holds, and is stronger than it ever was to begin with.   Trust the Master Builder . . . He knows what He's doing.

(We'll keep watching the construction across the street.  Because maybe in addition to strengthening a foundation, something brand new like a basement will be dug in preparation for that solid future.)

PS:  Today, they put up steps to the front door (which is 5 feet or so up in the air) ~ looks like life is going to continue in the midst of construction and being "up in the air" ~ which it should for us all.  :)

Sightings

One of the things along this journey that I really enjoy are the sightings of the name Abigail (or sometimes Abby) in places and at times when I least expect them.  Some are incredibly meaningful, like finding the story of David and Abigail scheduled for as one of my daily chapters on the anniversary of when it all began.

Others are just fun.  Seeing the name Abigail on a placemat in a toy store, right at eye level.   The name of a little dog in a story, things like that.  This week has had a few sightings as I began reading in 1 Chronicles, and have seen a couple sightings on Facebook.  But this morning's sighting fell right into the fun category. 

Backstory:  A few weeks ago we visited my parents.  One of the things we always do on a visit is to check out the local thrift shop there.  This last time, we found an interesting children's book about the Hebrew alphabet.  The book introduces each letter by telling a story about it, based on its shape or some other characteristic.  We've giggled together as the letter Gimel thought he was a gamal (camel), cheered on Peh as he helped the shofar with a sore throat, and celebrated with little Yod as he discovered how important he was, even as the tiniest letter.  Of course as the reader of this book, I turned to my knowledgeable friend Google to figure out how to pronounce the names of the unfamiliar letters.  Sure enough, a video of kids at Hebrew school singing the Aleph Bet song gave us what we needed.

 My two have decided that they really enjoy hearing different versions of songs about the Hebrew alphabet, so we've been watching some online.   Some versions are fun.   Some are simple.   And then there are those that  just really, really, really leave you with your jaw agape.  (Seriously?  A smurf-like conehead, a princess, a half-dressed frog, and toothpaste-like oompa loompas?  Of course, this one would have to be the boy's favorite.)

That brought us to this morning, as we ran across the Israeli version of Sesame Street in our search for other versions.  My sister had just been regaling the kids with tales of her trip to Israel and all the sites she had seen, so we decided to watch some of the videos of Grover visiting Israel.  As Grover was being introduced to the other muppets, I caught a name that sounded familiar - Avigáyil - yes, Abigail.   (That's the Hebrew writing of it below her picture.)   So our fun sighting of the day is a very, very pink and purple muppet from Shalom Sesame.    (Today's post has been brought to you by the letters Aleph, Bet, Gimel, and Lamed.)

Writing just as fast as I can, as the rain falls 'round

Some weeks (or months . . . or years) are dry.  Bone dry to the point where you find it hard to remember what rain was like.  When we lived out in Arizona it was like that.  Months would pass with barely a cloud in the sky, you'd forget that you even owned an umbrella or that the skies did open up.

But then . . . the clouds would start to roll in one day and the wind would pick up and you ever-so-faintly detected a change.  Was that scent of rain on the way just a phantom smell?  We'd be almost afraid to hope.  And then the first drops would begin falling, hitting heavy and leaving a puff of dust in their wake.  As they picked up in intensity people would emerge from inside their concrete cocoons to the sidewalks and patios and balconies, just drinking in the scent and feel of the nearly forgotten rain.

I remember a day eight years ago in October, driving to an ultrasound as the rain poured down around.  We had lost three pregnancies already and this one had shown danger signs as well.  The song "Healing Rain" came on the radio as we drove and I remember looking down at the new outfit I had recently bought to accomodate my expanding midsection realizing that it might be forever linked to that day.  The rain that day did bring healing, as the ultrasound showed our baby growing just as she should be.

God hadn't forgotten us after all.  Our hope hadn't been misplaced.

The past week or two have been filled with prayers.  Prayers for those who are struggling right now with feeling that their hope is misplaced and that God has forgotten them, as they watch those around them receive blessings.  Prayers for renewal and filling of God's Holy Spirit.  Prayers for the family of one of God's workers taken from them too soon, with no warning.  Prayers to know God's will and be able to pray in it with faith.

And with the prayers, the scent of rain began to come.  Followed by drops . . . a comment here, a conversation there, an Abigail-sighting unexpectedly in a book or email.  As I began to capture those in writing, the drops started coming heavier with Bible verses that leap off the page, books speaking right to my heart at the moment, new prayer directions, a comment reassuring me that I'm not on this journey alone, and blogs that just beg to be followed from there-to-here.  And I find myself writing as fast as my fingers can to keep record of the way God is good and trustworthy and faithful. 

More pieces are falling into place in this puzzle, even though we don't yet know what it is building.   Today has had spring hope.  New directions around the corner, perhaps? A new journal about to be started, certainly, as this one is nearly full.  Wise words to gather that provide refreshment.  I again remind myself that this isn't my story to plan, but God's to write.

He is still doing work in us that is necessary before the next step can be revealed. . . When the blessing is finally revealed, we can see the progressive process that brought us to that point.  - Craig Portwood

• God loves the details in our lives.  Don’t be afraid to share them with Him.  Nothing is too small or too big for Him.  He works in the details.  Don’t overlook them. Actually…watch for them!
• God uses other people.  If you feel the nudge to talk or do something, pray about it.  It just might be the Holy Spirit’s guidance.  Then, do it.  If people weren’t obedient, they wouldn’t have been part of the story and witnessed God’s movement.  God would have just found another way to get it done.  He doesn’t HAVE to use us.  He chooses to use us.  He chooses to allow us to be part of His mission.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE that! - Marti Michalec Williams

So, dear friends, take heart. I believe God will do exactly what he told me. - Acts 27:25 (MSG)

My prayer

Distant friend, whom I only know from over these virtual connections . . . . long-ago friend, whom I haven't gotten to see in far too long . . . here and now friend, whom I still haven't connected with as often as I should . . . this post is written with you in mind.  (And for myself, for those times I need the reminder.)

My prayer for you is that God will show his presence in your life in a way that makes it impossible for you to doubt very long His personal love for YOU.  That even when it seems like you are the only one who is left behind in a place of unanswered prayers, when in fact it seems like others are getting answers to prayers they never even had to pray, that you will have hope to hold on to.  Hope that the creator of the universe has a place for you and a plan for you, and that even though it may not be the one you have hoped and dreamed of, that it is GOOD and that through Him, you will find rest in it. (Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. )

My prayer is that even in the hard times, you are able to go back through your life and find the ways that God has been working behind the scenes, often when you couldn't see it and it felt like you were left alone, and know that He has never forgotten you.  (Joshua 1:5b - I will never leave you nor forsake you.)

My prayer is that even when there seems to be no way out of the present circumstances, that you will put your trust in the one who does know the way.  (2 Chronicles 20:12b - We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.)

My prayer for you is that He would be enough.
 

Living it out

I know I've been quiet on here lately, but that certainly doesn't reflect where my mind has been!  In between the moments of daily life of schooling, laundry, and dishes, there is an undercurrent that we're being called to step out.   Lots and lots to pray on, ponder, read about, and listen to on living out the gospel and mission of Jesus in everyday life beyond our own walls, and what that will end up looking like in our specific situation. 

We're definitely in a time of preparation ~ not just for Abigail, but for the bigger mission that may end up connecting us with her.  We have more questions than answers at this point.  Lots of spiritual stretching going on as we encounter in writing or in practice some of the things that God is pointing us towards. 

On the Abigail front, honestly, there are days when I would almost wonder if I had dreamt the whole thing if it weren't for being able to go back and retrace the steps of the early days and all the moments that have affirmed it since.  At this point, I wonder if we're in for a long wait of many years.  But we're trusting that His timing is perfect and not jumping ahead where we haven't been released to go.

In an odd way, it feels like both everything and nothing has changed. 

Holy Saturday

We aren't sure why we've got to this place, why things aren't going as we wanted or planned, and the life seems to have drained out of it all. That's a Holy Saturday moment. Do what has to be done, and wait for God to act in His own way and His own time.

- N.T. Wright (source)

 Thank you, friend, for following the prompting to send this along today. 

Let us not grow weary

Having others know about journey is mostly a blessing ~ the words of encouragement and the prayers are so precious to me.  But there are times when I have to guard myself against what I think others may be thinking:  Isn't anything happening?  What if they end up disappointed if it never happens?  Surely God didn't actually tell her this.

That temptation to listen to the imagined thoughts is stronger in what feels like a dry season.  There have been times on this journey when the confirmations are flying all around us, when each day brings proof anew.  And then there are the seasons of drought . . .  seasons of doubt, if we're not careful.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9


This morning I was reminded again that God's work takes time.  It takes time to raise a child.  It takes time to invest in people.  It takes time to live out His call in our daily lives.  


New directions don't happen in an instant.  It takes time for the fields of our hearts to be prepared for planting.  Once the seed is sown, it takes time for it to germinate underground before the tiny sprouts break through the soil's surface.  Even then, the plant doesn't yield its fruit immediately.  It takes time for it to grow and ripen. 


Sometimes it is hard to remember this, especially in our quick fix society.  A passage that I read the other day highlighted this.

That has always been the dark side of the American dream, the search for an easy way out, a belief in magic. The endless parade of promises that constitutes the heart of American advertising, one of largest national enterprises, testifies to the deep well of superstition in our national foundation, which has been institutionalized in the advertising business.  Easy money, easy health, easy beauty, easy education - if only the right incantation can be found. - John Taylor Gatto

If we're not careful, we can slip into similar expectations from God, looking for just the right combination of words or deeds to spur His action.   Forgotten God (Francis Chan) carries the reminder that we shouldn't pursue the miracles more than God, nor to expect God to give us particular experiences again and again, because they aren't an end in themselves.   In his sovereignty, God does miracles and gives us experiences when it fits His purposes and timing.  Chan reminds us to pursue God for who He is, not what He might do for us.   We should be modeling our lives after Jesus and desiring the fruit of the Spirit.  We should be listening for God's instructions through His Word and His Spirit, and obeying.

And all of that takes time.

Lord, may I not be so focused on the end result that I miss the journey.  Help me to find You and Your presence and work in each and every day, even (and especially!) the ones that feel utterly ordinary.  At the same time, prepare me for that end result that will really just be a new beginning.

God's timing

Every so often you read something that just stands out like a neon sign, sometimes in the most unusual of places.  And if that something happens to be written by a child, sometimes a simple misspelling can add a whole new twist to a familiar message.

They were working on  a mosaic that would share a message about God or Jesus.  She had pieced the squares together into a rainbow and written a message above it.

God never brakes his promises.

I've read so many times that God doesn't break his promises . ..  but this caught my eye.  God never brakes his promises.   Just last night (at our Higher Hope support group for those who have lost children) we talked about how we sometimes were sure that something was going to happen at a certain time ~ and then it didn't.  Did we misunderstand?  Hear Him wrong?  Not hear Him at all?

But this . .  . God knows.  He knows the perfect timing for His plans.  And what seems like a delay to us isn't a bump in the road to Him.   He knew it was coming, and steered around it, no brakes necessary, to arrive at the destination in His perfect timing.  So maybe next time I'm tempted to slam on the brakes and yank the wheel out of His hands, I'll remember to let Him drive.  Because He's got it all under control, even on a road that is filled with hazards and detours in my eyes.  He will get us there ~ not a moment too soon, not a moment too late, but right on His time.

Lord, I thank you for messages sent through children.  And for Your timing ~ even when I don't understand it.

PS:  Thank you, friend, for snapping that picture for me!  ;)

Sing to the Lord a new song

Ever get those dark spells, when it feels like life is pressing down?  When even your daily Bible reading is just there and God isn't speaking to you through it?  And you pray and pray and feel like David crying out for God because even though you know He's there, you can't feel His presence?  These past couple weeks had sure been a lot like that around here.  A spiritual drought of sorts, it felt, if I can mix metaphors here.

And then you start to see a cloud on the horizon.  Chance of rain?

Momentum starts building again, little by little.  A verse here, a quote there, a comment from a friend along the way, and things start to look up.  Heh, that's actually pretty accurate.  In the darkness, in the drought, it's hard to look UP, because you're so focused on what's happening  or not happening around you.

But then that moment comes where the rain starts to fall.  If you've ever lived in the desert, that first rainfall after the months of dry is unlike any other.  You just want to go outside and be washed by it, to let it soak you and dance around in it.

The past hours have been like that.  It began with 2 Chronicles 20 last night right before bed (again ~ this chapter has been coming up for me over and over in the past month or so).  King Jehoshaphat is facing vast armies that are surrounded from all directions, and goes to the Lord in prayer, praising Him in advance for deliverance.

15 He said: “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. ¹⁶ Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. ¹⁷ You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’”
 ¹⁸ Jehoshaphat bowed down with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the LORD. ¹⁹ Then some Levites from the Kohathites and Korahites stood up and praised the LORD, the God of Israel, with a very loud voice.
 ²⁰ Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, “Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful.” ²¹ After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the LORD and to praise him for the splendor of his^[c] holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying:
   “Give thanks to the LORD,
   for his love endures forever.”
 ²² As they began to sing and praise, the LORD set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated. 

The night brought a dream that involved prayer and singing (note: I'm NOT a singer. at least not in public or on tune :)  ). and then this morning's scheduled Bible reading continued the theme:

So I'm soaking this morning in new songs, singing praises to the Lord, and ascribing to the Lord his mighty deeds.  And wondering how it is all going to end up playing out, while knowing that the One who will make it happen not only knows the ending, but all the steps from here to there.

When your world is turned upside down

Bear with me.  Last night's wind storm, though brief, was intense, and the overturning of the neighbor's storage shed into our yard has me thinking.  So for this post, shed = life.  :)

We've all been there. Life is going along somewhat comfortably. Maybe it could use a new paint job, or has a little rusting around the edges, and the door occasionally sticks, but it's our life and we're used to its quirks. It's mostly functional, even if we have packed it full, maybe almost overflowing. We think about clearing things out, or putting in better anchors,  or repairing rusty spots, but something always seems to get in the way.  So we just keep going.


Until the storm.  It sneaks in without warning while we sleep.  Awakened by the crash and the howling wind, the damage has been done and things are turned upside down. 

Life as we once knew it is gone.    Job loss.  An affair.   Unexpected diagnosis.  Car crash.  Death.  Whatever form our personal experience takes, life has just been turned upside down. 

In the dark and the rain, we can only see glimpses of what has happened and fears begin to set in.  What else has been turned upside down?  What gusts are still to come?  What branches are hanging in the dark overhead, just waiting to fall?

Long hours until the dawn breaks and you can begin to see just how severe the damage is.  How much is damaged beyond repair, picked right up and turned on its head? How much is still piled right where it was, unharmed albeit a bit soggy? Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  Psalm 27:14

Are you waiting for the dawn?  Waiting to see if your life will be put back as it was?  Waiting to see if it will be replaced with a newer and better version?  Waiting to see if the old will be scrapped entirely, the foundation scraped away and replaced with something entirely different?

He knows and has already gone ahead of you.  He is mightier than the thunder of the great waters, and mightier than the breakers of the sea.  He will be your fortress, the rock in whom you can take refuge.

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  Psalm 91:4

 Praying for those of you whose worlds are turned upside down.

 ******************

(Counting our blessings this morning that the only damage was to a shed and not a house.  And smiling that while the fence is flattened, a tiny patch of daffodils that had begun to break forth from the ground just inches from the landing site are waving in the breeze this morning.)

God Gives Us Food

Today's Memorial Box story is a recent one.  January began with a hard look at our finances, and a renewed emphasis to live within the money that we had, which for that month, meant a very meager grocery budget.  To keep ourselves on track we set up an envelope with cash, and decided to only use cash for our grocery shopping that month.  Midway through the month it was beginning to look like it would be possible to actually stay within that amount, since we'd done a lot of eating from the pantry and freezer.

A challenge came with a request from a close relative to stay with us for a while.  We both strongly felt that this was something we were supposed to do without accepting rent money, at least at first.  But I'll admit, I was really wondering how our grocery budget was going to stretch to cover an additional adult.

That Sunday as I was thinking on a phrase during the sermon on the power of God's words, I opened up my Bible.  It fell open to 1 Kings 17, which tells the story of the widow of Zarephath and Elijah.  Her provisions nearly gone, the prophet asks her to make him bread first, and miraculously, the oil and flour don't run dry.  As I began thinking on the story, I glanced down at my feet, and saw the purple ribbon from my son's Sunday school craft ~ a paper plate with glued on photos of food and the words, God gives us food.   Out of curiosity, I picked up his lesson paper to see what Bible story they had been learning about.  Yes, it was Elijah and the Widow.

As I saw it, I remembered that the night before, our nightly Bible reading with the kids had included the story of Elisha and the widow's oil from 1 Kings 4.

The Widow’s Oil

1The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the Lord. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.”

2Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?”

“Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a little oil.”

3Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. 4Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”

5She left him and afterward shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. 6When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”

But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.

7She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”

 This was getting to be too many references to just be coincidence.  But lest I have any doubts, when I sat down to do my Bible reading that afternoon, one of the chapters scheduled was Luke 4.  Verses 25-26 read:  I assure you that there were many widows in Israel in Elijah's time, when the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was severe famine in the land.  Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them, but to a widow in Zarephath in the region of Sidon.

With renewed confidence that God could stretch our grocery budget, I tackled the project of getting the room ready.  The end of the month brought a huge financial challenge when one of the core components of our heating system went out and needed to be replaced, but He was faithful to provide for it.  And then, just before our house guest was to arrive, an unexpected piece of mail arrived.  A completely unexpected refund of something from several years in the past that was enough to cover the extra food for another adult for the month.  And here at the end of February, it has been enough.  God gives us food!   That paper plate is hanging in our dining room ~ just a preschool craft to some, but a special reminder that God has it all under control to me.

*************************
Do you keep a record of the ways that you have seen God work in your life? Last year I ran across the concept of a Memorial Box from Linny at A Place Called Simplicity.  In times when darkness is threatening to overwhelm and God feels far away (I'm sure had a few of those recently!), going over the stories of God's faithfulness is a spiritual life preserver.

A glimpse back into who I was before

In college, I was an anthropology major.  There has always been something about the discovery of the trail of what makes people tick and how they interact with the world and culture around them that has fascinated me.

One of the delights of this journey has been discovering little ways that the same verse has come up on linked occasions, or finding other little glimpses into the clues that God was giving before the next step was revealed.  At the time, only enough was shown to take the next little step, but when viewed in retrospect, there were little hidden gems along the way hinting at what was to come.

Tonight I discovered just a little smidgeon of that from last year.  In the fall of 2010 we had done a study at church on gratitude, using the book Choosing Gratitude by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  When Ann Voskamp's book on gratitude, One Thousand Gifts came out in early 2011, I wound up getting a copy.  I knew that I had been reading it in January or February, but couldn't have told you when exactly.  At that point I wasn't journaling much, but was participating in an online book club.

An archived copy of a post I made to that book club showed up in a search for something tonight.  Dated 2/11/11, at 10:30 a.m., the post spoke to the impact the book was having on me (still only a few chapters in):

I had wanted her book, then almost didn't get it as I saw the "marketing machine" gear up. I can be a little cynical that way. :) I ended up with a free copy, and I'm so glad that I did. If Choosing Gratitude was an instruction manual, 1000 gifts is the full symphony version. It's hard, it's breathtaking, it's real, it's inspiring, it's challenging, it's beautiful, it's possible. For the place I'm currently at spiritually, each chapter is like throwing open a window onto a joy filled life. It beckons, but has to be reconciled with the current room of my heart and actions. I can't read much more than a chapter at a time before I have to draw back and acclimate myself to the new place it has taken me.

 Oh how funny it is to look back and read those words "like throwing open a window onto a joy filled life" that were written just hours before my life would change forever.  And what a good reminder that we never know when a seemingly normal day will be interrupted by a "burning bush" moment.

A year later . . . God's anniversary gift

A year ago, I had no clue that my life was about to change.   If I remember right it had been a sort of down day, and I'd spent some time that afternoon finishing up a novel that I was reading.  As the clock ticked closer to dinner time, I got the the end of the book, and quickly skimmed the discussion questions at the end.

2.  Abigail, which means 'source of joy," is the heroine of Daughter of Joy.  

5:35 pm, my life changed forever.  Your daughter's name will be Abigail.  Tears sprang to my eyes.  Lord, it that you, I found myself asking?  Not an audible voice, but one that imprinted immediately on my heart. And is the fact that I'm getting the feeling that she may not be joining us naturally also from you?   So, so, so many little things since that moment have confirmed that yes, this was from God.

After putting dinner in the oven that day (ah, I love pizza Fridays!), I logged into Facebook to find a friend request from a "friend of a friend", nudged by God to be sent at the very moment I was getting the message about Abigail, accompanied by a short note:

• love this picture
  it looks like you delight in your kids and that warms my heart

Somehow I found myself telling this as-of-yet unknown woman what had just happened:

Would you pray for Abigail and for us? This all feels extremely surreal, and I have no clue what it truly all means or where it is leading, or even for certain if it wasn't just a random thought. I flipped open my Bible and it fell to Psalm 98. "Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things .. . . ." and then I saw on the page before it, several dates penciled beside Psalm 96, which begins nearly the same. So whatever new song I am to be singing, I accept it.

Thank you for your message. The timing is more than you know, since my first response to it was "Yes, they are my joy."

Not only did this new FB friend not blink at eye at hearing my story, but she responded with a heartwarming story of the way God had called them to adopt and provided for them.

Fast forward through a year of Abigail references popping up in the most unlikely places, well timed Bible verses, and behind the scenes work on our hearts to today, February 11, 2012.  While our lives look, on the outside, like not much has changed, in other ways everything has changed.  Our hearts have changed.

This morning, I opened my Bible to do my daily reading and found God's anniversary gift awaiting me there.  In my current plan, I'm reading a chapter from each of ten different lists.  Today, List 3 was in Hebrews 11.  Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.  By faith.   Yes, God certainly has us on a journey of faith, a journey of hope.  That was good, but List 8 was the real gift.  Because in that list, today's reading was 1 Samuel 25.  Not sure what that one is?  Take a look here. 

Yes, in His infinite wisdom, God arranged for me to land on that chapter on the anniversary of His promise.  Only God!  As I began it in the quiet of the morning, my daughter came downstairs and climbed into my lap, so I ended up reading it aloud to her.  (As she later told her daddy, "I got to hear a Bible story from Mama's Bible ~ all about David and some girl.  :)  )

Lord, we still don't know when.  We still don't know where or how.  But You have confirmed over and over this year who ~ Abigail ~ source of joy, father's joy.  And we thank you!

Little by little

Oh, some days I get so impatient.  It feels like nothing is happening, at least nothing that I can see.  Here we are approaching a year from when the promise was first revealed, and from first glance our lives still look the same (more on the how they have changed later).  It's on days like that when I feel tempted to make something happen on my own.  Just in case God has forgotten.

Then He sends me reminders that everything is still in progress ~ just on His timing.  As the Israelites approached the promised land and God gave them instructions, He also gave them a little heads up on the way His timing would work in conquering this new-to-them land that was filled with enemies.

But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you.  Little by little, I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.  Exodus 23:29-30

If the full blessing, the full promise were given immediately, it would cease to be a blessing.  That land rich with milk and honey would wither, because they weren't ready (in physical numbers) to maintain it.  So wisely, God lets them know that the blessing will instead be given little by little as they increase and are ready for it.

Oh, this struck me today!  How often do I look at the full promise and whine that it isn't being given, when in fact, the very reason it isn't given yet is to protect it until I have increased enough to bear it.  Until my faith has increased, until my belief has increased, until physical circumstances have been readied for it. Were the promise to be fulfilled before that time, it would cease to be the blessing that it could be.

Lord, help me to always remember that when it feels like nothing is happening.

Don't look back

Was it just a short two and a half weeks ago that I posted this picture?  The chaos of the room that I called my "office" had been a feature in our home for several years, despite a bright paint job and repeated attempts at getting it organized, and honestly, there were days I thought taking a match to it would be the only way that I would ever see change. Sometimes, though, God is just waiting for us to be ready before He lights a spiritual match.   And that's what happened.   A short email from my sister asking if she could stay with us for a little while spurred some discussions as to where she should sleep.  The obvious answer was the "office", but it clearly needed a lot of work.  As we set about the task, the feeling that I was supposed to let go of the room for good began to get stronger and stronger.

God was gracious, and arranged for the Hello Mornings challenge to be starting at the same time of this big decluttering project.  Accountability for getting up early and getting my time with Him in before the kids awake for the day ~ that was needed!   Accountability for using some of that morning time to map out the day, so that my time would be more focused.  I found myself getting excited to contemplate a forced change of my habits, as strange as that sounds, and began the shift to calling it "The Yellow Room". 

In Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On: Trusting God in the Tough Times, my reading brought me to a pivotal chapter on surrendering our dreams to Him ~ even those that have come from Him.  No wonder so many of my varied projects for myself have failed ~ they were my  ideas of who I should be, and not God's.  

God puts dreams in our hearts to give us vision and inspiration  and to guide us to the right path.  That's why we have to make sure the dreams we have are not from our own flesh.  The only way to be sure of that is to lay all of our dreams at His feet and let them die.  And we must also die to them. The ones that are not from Him will be buried forever.  The ones that are from Him will be given new life. 

Oh.my.  Talk about challenging, but oh so timely as I sifted through the remnants of past dreams for myself.

A friend encouraged me in those hard hours, and forwarded a piece from her readings for school that spoke right to the process as well:

We simply must come to a place in our lives where we agree to give up old securities which bind us or painful memories which harm us, or dashed dreams which discourage us, or heart aching wounds which prevent us from discovering new dreams and coming into fuller life.  ~  Joyce Kupp

All that stuff?  Idols,  yes.  Remnants of dashed dreams, yes.  Blocking the way for the new.   In hanging on to them, I wasn't trusting in God to bring what I would need for the new ones that He has been planting.  And in fact, it was getting in the way of those new dreams by stealing my time and energy.

Not having the old stuff is a signal that I trust that the best adventures are yet to come. - Lisa Sonora Beam

In Luke 9:60-62, Jesus speaks of releasing our hold to the things of this world.  No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.    We're specifically told not to spend our time looking back at our old lives.  The story of Lot and his wife leaving as Sodom and Gomorrah are about to be destroyed came to mind.  But while we aren't to spend our time looking back on our own failures and past lives, we ARE to remember what God has done for us and retell the stories of His work in our lives.

So the process continued of sorting, of letting go, and only keeping those things which have purpose for this new journey, or that relate to what God has done for me.  And somehow, in one short week, God brought me through a project that I'd been unable to accomplish on my own in years.   The yellow room is cleared of all the clutter, and ready for my sister to call temporary home as she makes a new start in her life.  Even more important, it has been turned over to God to use for His purposes from here on out.   I have no plans to move back into it myself unless that is where He would have me go.  And you know?  It's exciting to think how He might use it, and who might find peace and healing and comfort within its walls.

As for me, I'm enjoying my new desk set-up in the corner of our school room.  Since I only moved those things that I actually use, I've been amazed at how much space I have and how easy it is to maintain (two weeks and counting, and I can still see the top of my desk!).  

The day that it was finished, my morning Bible reading contained Exodus 6:6:  I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians.  I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment.    As I came to the end of that project, I found myself feeling a bit like I had just been freed from not only the physical burden of the clutter, but from the unrealistic expectations that I had held for so long.   And despite the fact that it's a little scary to wonder just why God has chosen this exact time to be bringing me out of it, I'm excited to see what He has in store.

Believing in the promised land

This morning the kids and I were sitting at the table reading our Bible story for school over breakfast.  Today's selection from Numbers told of the twelve men sent to explore the land of Canaan.  Although they returned with tales of the land's bounty, ten of the men wrote off any possibility of entering the land due to the power of the people already living there.  Only two held on to the promise from the Lord.  Joshua and Caleb reminded the Israelites that "If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us.  Only do not rebel against the Lord.  And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up.  Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us.  Do not be afraid of them."  Numbers 14:8-9  As a result of their belief in God's promise, Joshua and Caleb would be the only ones to enter the Promised Land.   All the others, not believing in the power of God to keep His promise despite all the miracles that they had witnessed, would perish during the 40 year exile in the desert.  What blessings would have awaited them if only they had believed!

We talked about the way that God makes it possible for His promises to be fulfilled, even if there are huge obstacles in the way.   I pointed to the Build a Church bank on the table, and likened it to a mountain.  Would a tiny ant be able to move it?   Of course not.  As my son pointed out, he'd squash himself trying.  But to us, it's easy to pick it up and move it.  We made the connection that we are like those little ants sometimes, facing huge obstacles that are in between us and God's plans.  If we try to move them on our own, not only will we fail, but we're likely to be squashed trying.  God is the only one who can move those mountains, and for Him, they aren't mountains at all.    We talked about the importance of believing the promises that God gives us, even when it looks like there is no way that they can happen.

"Kids, did you know that God has given Mama and Daddy a promise?"  I thought that I was going to tell them about building a church, since I'd been sitting there using the bank as a prop.  But instead, I found myself telling them that God had let us know that another child would be joining our family.  That we didn't know when ~ maybe this year, maybe many years from now ~ and that we didn't know how ~ maybe that child would grow inside me or maybe be adopted ~ and that we didn't know if the child would come to us as a baby or as an older child, but that we did know who the child would be.  "God said, 'Your daughter's name will be Abigail.'  Mama and Daddy are already praying for her, and you can pray for her, too."

They began negotiating with each other where she would sleep, and checking to see if they could help take care of her, if she came as a baby.  E looked up with excitement.  "Maybe she'll be from China!"  This is the daughter who began traveling to an imaginary school in China when she was 3, and who told us the other night that she'd like to be a ballerina, artist, and a missionary. 

While it's a small step in the big picture, in many ways, telling our children is a very big step.  Their faith at times dwarfs ours ~ if God says something will happen, then it does.  No second guessing or trying to rationalize the "but what if he doesn't" thoughts.  As adults, we sometimes get so focused on a certain picture of how we think God will keep His promises, that we nearly miss it when He keeps in a way that looks different than we expected.

Abigail, as of 2/2/12, the whole family is praying and joyfully awaiting your arrival.