Looking back over a year

A year ago several of us from our church went to the Women of Joy conference.   I had taken along a Christian book on depression to read during the drive, and the combined influences made for an interesting weekend. 

We build up walls of isolated despair . . . . distorted images of ourselves that keep up trapped .  .. we call out for someone to hear . . . God as the defender of the weak . . . He is mighty to save . . . find a circle of close friends you can ask to pray for you . . . depression can be anger at oneself for not being someone that we couldn't possibly be . . . God as an always faithful friend . .  . get love and acceptance from God  . . . daily Bible reading and prayer as essential

A theme quickly emerged from that weekend:  friendship.  But it didn't exactly unfold the way you might imagine it.  Going into the weekend, I had set up mental pairings of people and cast myself as a third wheel. Right away from the first night of the conference, there was a theme in the speakers of seeing ourselves through our Creator's eyes.  I found myself praying that I would find one of those friends that you can just open up to fully, and not have to keep up the walls.  There were some moments of solitude during the weekend where I wrestled with the question:  Is God enough?  And I came to the conclusion that He was.  He challenged me to reach out to someone during the last session and obey a Spirit prompting to give a small sign of His love to someone else. In the final prayer of the weekend, a comment was made about taking friendships home with us.

I thought I'd learned the lesson God had for me.

But in the dark of the evening as we drove toward home, God showed me that He had more.  We began really opening up to each other.  And as we shared, God's love flowing through His children began to illuminate those hidden depths, to expose the lies we had believed for the deceptions that they were.  We realized that while we each had been holding on to different lies, the lies were strongest in the areas of our gifts. What another could see as our strong area, individually our view of it was prone to be clouded by untruths, threatening to throw our ministry off course. 

Tears flowed, truth was spoken, prayers were offered  . . . and in the midst of it, I realized that my prayer for friend to whom I could be fully me, fears and faults and all, had been answered.  That in fact, there were at least two women already in my life who had been there all along ready to be that friend.  But I hadn't been able to see it through the lies that I'd believed in the area of friendship.  I wasn't a second tier friend after all . . . but a second "tear" friend, who would be there even in the hard times.

I left the weekend with a new found joy.  In the midst of Becky Tirabassi's session, I had scrawled a few dreams for myself for the next year, and then promptly forgotten them much the way I had treated New Year's resolutions.  But while I may have forgotten that list, God didn't.

By next year (April 2011):

• I will read the Bible and pray regularly.  My souvenir from that weekend was a One Year Bible.  I began with the April readings, and ended up finishing ahead of schedule last month.  Since then, I've begun a chronological read-through in a different translation, and am working through the New Testament for Lent.  Just in this last month, God has taught me about days of fasting and prayer in addition to the prayer I'd been doing already.
• The chains will be looser and I will see myself as God sees me.  This has been a work in progress, but the past couple months have especially brought me closer to this and I am experiencing the freedom and peace of Christ more.  He has been driving home the message that we are Children of God, that I am His precious daughter. 
• I will be the friend that I want to have.  I look back at this last year and am astounded by how full of friendship my life has become.  Friendships nurtured in person, by phone, online . . . sharing and praying and celebrating and lifting each other up.
• My health (God-willing) will not hold me back.  The Daniel fast taught me a lot about the way I've used food as an idol.  This area is still in progress, too, but the long-seated hold is being broken bit by bit.  This week brings challenges in this area, as I go through an endometrial biopsy to rule out cancer as a cause of some unusual cycles.  Another opportunity to lean into God and know that He already knows the results and can work ALL things for good to those who love God.

All I can do upon seeing who God has fulfilled that list in my life is to offer up praise and humble adoration for His grace and love.  Because none of those would have been possible on my own.  On my own, I jump in headfirst and lose steam.  On my own, I am weak.   But our amazing God works through our weaknesses!