What God Has Been Doing

Despite the silence on the blog, God has been up to big things in the past month.  Many of them haven't quite been at the sharing stages yet, however. 

Yesterday day was Father's Day, and it felt very appropriate that my scheduled Bible reading ended up including the story of David and Abigail.  A good reminder that Abigail won't just be my daughter, but my husband's, too.  And oh, how God has been working overtime in his life!

For the past 7 years, my husband has taught at a school 35 miles away.  He has really enjoyed his time there, and felt that God really led him to that school when we moved to the Midwest.  But for the past few months, there was a discontent with knowing that he would be having to leave a grade that he loved teaching due to enrollment.   Despite this, he was prepared to switch to a new grade and make the best of it in hopes that someday he would be able to get back.

Then in a series of events that could only be God, he ended up applying for a job at the school district a few blocks from our house.  That began a roller coaster of a few weeks that included an interview for a different position than he'd applied for, only to find out he didn't get that job.   We both mourned lost opportunities, while he resigned himself to remaining where he was and taking steps to do that.  Almost immediately, he was contacted for an interview for a different position at the close school, which led to a crazy day of determining whether it would still be possible to make a switch.   That came just before the long Memorial Day weekend, so we spent an agonizing four days waiting to hear back if he would still be able to interview for the position.  He did end up getting to interview for it, and was contacted the next morning with a job offer!  All this in the middle of the end of the school year and dealing with sickness making its way through the house.

So thanks to God's hand at work, instead of commuting an hour and a half each day, it will take less than ten minutes.  The savings in time, gas, wear and tear on the car .  . . almost too much to count.  And, he will still be with the age range that he's come to prefer teaching.

But there's probably more in store that just hasn't been revealed yet.  Because while it would be nice to think that all of that is blessing for doing such a great job, chances are God has a bigger reason for moving him closer.  Whether that is in preparation for new ministry focus, in preparation for Abigail, or both remains to be seen.   In any case, the way the details of this job change came about left us with no question that it was God's hand at work. 

And during this process, I learned more than I dreamed about the way that God can move when something is part of His plans.  So often during it all, I found myself thinking "this will be the roadblock that stops the whole thing ~ God, if this is part of your plan, you'll have to be the one to move the mountain."  And time after time, that's exactly what He did.  I had to face the possibility that I'd put more emphasis on the things that would make our life better with a job move than on the One who could make our lives better no matter what the circumstances.  The depth of my disappointment when it looked like there wouldn't be a job change was humbling, as was the realization that we'd been letting some of our walk with God slip, especially as a couple, in the midst of the daily grind.   I realized that I was approaching this new possibility with guarded emotions, afraid to let myself hope too much ~ quite similar to the way I'd approached pregnancy after miscarriages.

So now we prepare to trade in the green and gold for the orange and black, and head into new directions.  The job change is only the tip of what God is doing in my husband's life.  I can't wait to see what else He has in store!

Let us not grow weary

Having others know about journey is mostly a blessing ~ the words of encouragement and the prayers are so precious to me.  But there are times when I have to guard myself against what I think others may be thinking:  Isn't anything happening?  What if they end up disappointed if it never happens?  Surely God didn't actually tell her this.

That temptation to listen to the imagined thoughts is stronger in what feels like a dry season.  There have been times on this journey when the confirmations are flying all around us, when each day brings proof anew.  And then there are the seasons of drought . . .  seasons of doubt, if we're not careful.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9


This morning I was reminded again that God's work takes time.  It takes time to raise a child.  It takes time to invest in people.  It takes time to live out His call in our daily lives.  


New directions don't happen in an instant.  It takes time for the fields of our hearts to be prepared for planting.  Once the seed is sown, it takes time for it to germinate underground before the tiny sprouts break through the soil's surface.  Even then, the plant doesn't yield its fruit immediately.  It takes time for it to grow and ripen. 


Sometimes it is hard to remember this, especially in our quick fix society.  A passage that I read the other day highlighted this.

That has always been the dark side of the American dream, the search for an easy way out, a belief in magic. The endless parade of promises that constitutes the heart of American advertising, one of largest national enterprises, testifies to the deep well of superstition in our national foundation, which has been institutionalized in the advertising business.  Easy money, easy health, easy beauty, easy education - if only the right incantation can be found. - John Taylor Gatto

If we're not careful, we can slip into similar expectations from God, looking for just the right combination of words or deeds to spur His action.   Forgotten God (Francis Chan) carries the reminder that we shouldn't pursue the miracles more than God, nor to expect God to give us particular experiences again and again, because they aren't an end in themselves.   In his sovereignty, God does miracles and gives us experiences when it fits His purposes and timing.  Chan reminds us to pursue God for who He is, not what He might do for us.   We should be modeling our lives after Jesus and desiring the fruit of the Spirit.  We should be listening for God's instructions through His Word and His Spirit, and obeying.

And all of that takes time.

Lord, may I not be so focused on the end result that I miss the journey.  Help me to find You and Your presence and work in each and every day, even (and especially!) the ones that feel utterly ordinary.  At the same time, prepare me for that end result that will really just be a new beginning.

Don't look back

Was it just a short two and a half weeks ago that I posted this picture?  The chaos of the room that I called my "office" had been a feature in our home for several years, despite a bright paint job and repeated attempts at getting it organized, and honestly, there were days I thought taking a match to it would be the only way that I would ever see change. Sometimes, though, God is just waiting for us to be ready before He lights a spiritual match.   And that's what happened.   A short email from my sister asking if she could stay with us for a little while spurred some discussions as to where she should sleep.  The obvious answer was the "office", but it clearly needed a lot of work.  As we set about the task, the feeling that I was supposed to let go of the room for good began to get stronger and stronger.

God was gracious, and arranged for the Hello Mornings challenge to be starting at the same time of this big decluttering project.  Accountability for getting up early and getting my time with Him in before the kids awake for the day ~ that was needed!   Accountability for using some of that morning time to map out the day, so that my time would be more focused.  I found myself getting excited to contemplate a forced change of my habits, as strange as that sounds, and began the shift to calling it "The Yellow Room". 

In Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On: Trusting God in the Tough Times, my reading brought me to a pivotal chapter on surrendering our dreams to Him ~ even those that have come from Him.  No wonder so many of my varied projects for myself have failed ~ they were my  ideas of who I should be, and not God's.  

God puts dreams in our hearts to give us vision and inspiration  and to guide us to the right path.  That's why we have to make sure the dreams we have are not from our own flesh.  The only way to be sure of that is to lay all of our dreams at His feet and let them die.  And we must also die to them. The ones that are not from Him will be buried forever.  The ones that are from Him will be given new life. 

Oh.my.  Talk about challenging, but oh so timely as I sifted through the remnants of past dreams for myself.

A friend encouraged me in those hard hours, and forwarded a piece from her readings for school that spoke right to the process as well:

We simply must come to a place in our lives where we agree to give up old securities which bind us or painful memories which harm us, or dashed dreams which discourage us, or heart aching wounds which prevent us from discovering new dreams and coming into fuller life.  ~  Joyce Kupp

All that stuff?  Idols,  yes.  Remnants of dashed dreams, yes.  Blocking the way for the new.   In hanging on to them, I wasn't trusting in God to bring what I would need for the new ones that He has been planting.  And in fact, it was getting in the way of those new dreams by stealing my time and energy.

Not having the old stuff is a signal that I trust that the best adventures are yet to come. - Lisa Sonora Beam

In Luke 9:60-62, Jesus speaks of releasing our hold to the things of this world.  No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.    We're specifically told not to spend our time looking back at our old lives.  The story of Lot and his wife leaving as Sodom and Gomorrah are about to be destroyed came to mind.  But while we aren't to spend our time looking back on our own failures and past lives, we ARE to remember what God has done for us and retell the stories of His work in our lives.

So the process continued of sorting, of letting go, and only keeping those things which have purpose for this new journey, or that relate to what God has done for me.  And somehow, in one short week, God brought me through a project that I'd been unable to accomplish on my own in years.   The yellow room is cleared of all the clutter, and ready for my sister to call temporary home as she makes a new start in her life.  Even more important, it has been turned over to God to use for His purposes from here on out.   I have no plans to move back into it myself unless that is where He would have me go.  And you know?  It's exciting to think how He might use it, and who might find peace and healing and comfort within its walls.

As for me, I'm enjoying my new desk set-up in the corner of our school room.  Since I only moved those things that I actually use, I've been amazed at how much space I have and how easy it is to maintain (two weeks and counting, and I can still see the top of my desk!).  

The day that it was finished, my morning Bible reading contained Exodus 6:6:  I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians.  I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment.    As I came to the end of that project, I found myself feeling a bit like I had just been freed from not only the physical burden of the clutter, but from the unrealistic expectations that I had held for so long.   And despite the fact that it's a little scary to wonder just why God has chosen this exact time to be bringing me out of it, I'm excited to see what He has in store.

American Idolater

As I tackle a long overdue decluttering project this week, I'm faced with what seems to be overwhelming decisions about what to keep and find a new place for vs. what needs to go.  As this happens, I'm discovering that what should be a fairly simple process is far more emotional than I'd dreamed.  Rather than being just items, I'm realizing that many of them represent expectations that I've had for myself or are tokens of a stage of life that has past.  Despite the fact that most of those expectations have been unrealistic and that some of the stages of life captured in those items are ones I'd prefer not to go back and visit, there's a part of me that is fearful of letting them go.  I let them define me for so long that it's a bit scary to think of releasing my tight grasp.

We choose to place emotional value into inanimate objects. ~ Adam Baker

As I read this sentence today, I couldn't help but think of the verses in Isaiah that describe how useful materials were also shaped into idols:

He cut down cedars, or perhaps took a cypress or oak. He let it grow among the trees of the forest, or planted a pine, and the rain made it grow. It is used as fuel for burning; some of it he takes and warms himself, he kindles a fire and bakes bread. But he also fashions a god and worships it; he makes an idol and bows down to it. Half of the wood he burns in the fire; over it he prepares his meal, he roasts his meat and eats his fill. He also warms himself and says, “Ah! I am warm; I see the fire.” From the rest he makes a god, his idol; he bows down to it and worships. He prays to it and says, “Save me! You are my god!”   Isaiah 44: 14-17

While all of these items with sentimental attachment don't sit on an altar in my home and I don't literally bow down to them and ask them to save me, I find myself uncomfortably aware of how tightly my fingers dig into my palms at the thought of getting rid of some of them.  What would I do?  Who would I be without them?  Wouldn't I be filled with regrets?  What if I need them someday? What if I someday do become the type of person who would use that type of item on a regular basis?  If I give it all away, then I won't have it.

I am gradually realizing that by placing so much emotional importance to these inanimate items, I have made them into idols.

Some of these idols have been moved with me for the past 20+ years.  Every so often I've had a "pilgrimage" of sorts to the mental place of their making, reliving either the memories associated with them or the expectations attached to them.  And in clinging so tightly to them and the past, there's a danger in not living fully in the present or preparing myself for the (all so different from what the items collectively represent) future.  Even more serious, how much have these idols gotten in the way of what God has in store for my life?  Has each of those self-imposed expectations for who I should be and how I should live blinded me to God's expectations for me?  If I'm really honest, God probably has much different plans for me than the rigid standard of expectations that I've set up for myself and then cut myself down when I've failed miserably at meeting them. 

What if?  What if instead of hanging on to all these items that remind me of my own accomplishments, my own dreams, or my own failures, I instead hung on to the ones that remind me of God's work in my life?  What if I were to stop placing my hopes and dreams onto inanimate objects, and instead cast them onto God and trust that if they match His, He will provide all that is needed to fulfill them?  What if in the process of letting go of the things that I have let define me, I actually find myself?

It's time to find out what is on the other side of the what-ifs.  Anyone need a lot of used idols?

Do not withhold

Proverbs 3:27 - Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.

On Sunday I began a new read-through of the Bible.  This time

So this post isn't the post that I thought I was going to write.  This morning, after reading this verse, I had notions that this verse was tying in to the messages that my husband has been getting from Matthew 25 about feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, and other ways of providing for the "least of these."  But as the day has worn on and I've had to battle (unsuccessfully, I must add) against the distractions, I've come to realize that this verse is actually aimed right at me.


The me that spent too long on the computer this morning, even if some of it was for "good" purposes.  The me that walked past a  many pile(s) that needed to be picked up.  The me that has yet to get started on the teacher-directed part of school for the day.  The me that needs to put in a load of laundry and make lunch for the two children using their imaginations in the other room. 

The me that needs to stop withholding my best from them, from my husband, and from myself.  Because a mama who is living in the present with an eye heavenward is good.  Because they do deserve it ~ God placed them in my care.   Because it is in my power to act ~ I've just chosen not to do so when my emotions or circumstances feel overwhelming, or when I've given in to selfishness and laziness.

So for the rest of today, I will not withhold good (me, my attention, my energy, my thoughts, my love) from those who deserve it (God, my husband, my children, my friends), when it is in my power to act (which is almost always is).

The Card: Where God Stretched Out His Hand, part 2

(Read Part 1)

After two miscarriages, we were finally pregnant again.  With a holiday approaching, we were cautious .  .  . holidays had not been good for the other pregnancies.  My journal from that time reads, "We're pregnant again - at least for the moment."  But Thanksgiving came and went, and we optimistically celebrated with some close friends.  We began planning how we would surprise our families with the news at Christmas.

At first things seemed to be going well.  Then we hit a roller coaster fortnight filled with testing of blood levels and awaiting an ultrasound.  Numbers kept rising slowly and would bring optimism, but spotting continued too, and would fill me with fear.  My emotions bounced back and forth where one moment I would be convinced our baby was already gone, and the next would be filled with desperate hope.  In that desperation, I sent out frantic pleas to God one minute and tried Oprah-style "bathe yourself in positive thinking" the next.

Then the day came in mid-December that we received the final verdict.  The ultrasound showed that this baby didn't make it either.

I felt as if my world had fallen apart.  Three?  Three babies gone?  I was completely broken.  Was it my fault somehow?  Was I that bad a person to deserve this?  Was I being punished?   Didn't God care?  Why did it seem that every unwed teenager I saw had a rounded belly full of life, while mine was a tomb?  Would we ever have children? My days at school were lived on auto-pilot with a carefully pasted on mask that everything was fine.  Since no one had known our short-lived joy, how could they understand our pain?  My evenings were either spent curled up sobbing for my babies and our future, or trying desperately to convince myself and my husband that I was ok.

And then, God stretched out His hand . . .

(to be continued)

The "Right" Way

Somehow in my life the idea that there is only one "right" way has become deeply entrenched.  While there are certain areas of life where this is true (hooking up jumper cables, salvation through Jesus, etc.),  those are pretty few and far between, even if they are extremely important.    In the over application of this "right way" thinking, however, a decision such as "What should I make for dinner?"  or "What should I wear today?" has the potential to be treated with the same type of life or death energy.  The amount of accumulated minutes spent giving "life or death" focus to "it really doesn't matter" choices in my life would probably be mind-numbing if I were able to add them all up.

Today I read two things that really made me think about this mentality.  One was from a very unlikely source, Container Gardening for Kids, by Ellen Talmage.  In the introduction to the book, she was discussing the joy of experimenting with different plants and conditions.  I was half-heartedly reading it to my kindergartener when the next paragraph really stuck out:

It is important to know that no gardener has complete success.  Because you are dealing with Mother Nature, you should expect a certain amount of disappointment.  Keep a notebook handy to write down what you do and when, and record your successes and failtures.  Sometimes, the best way to learn to grow a kind of plant is to kill it first.  You will seldom make the same mistake twice.  Don't get discouraged.  Eventually, your many successes will outweigh your failures. (p. 4)

Here was a complete gem of advice for those choices that really don't matter.  Go ahead and keep trying.  Yes, you're going to fail.  Yes, you're going to make "wrong" choices that even kill the plant.  But that's not the end.  Too much sun?  Try a shadier spot.  Not enough water?  Irrigate more frequently.  Lesson learned, move on, and remember that a new plant won't respond the same.  How often do I expect a single checklist to cover all the situations in life, and get disappointed when I can't find it?  How often do I give up on things when my initial efforts fail, when I have "killed a plant" so to speak?  How often I just label myself as having a black thumb and don't even keep trying!

Then this afternoon I was feeling miserably overwhelmed, and sure that I've completely lost any of the lessons I learned during my Daniel fast, and convinced that I would continue making poor choices.  An article on Christian homeschooling brought the morning's advice about success and failure right back to me:

 Robert Kiyosaki says the most damaging beliefs the public school system teaches are (1) that mistakes are bad and (2) that there is only one right way to do something. These beliefs create a fear of failure, a fear of making mistakes, that thwart true learning. Kiyosaki further says that most true learning comes from making mistakes, from falling down and trying again like you do when you learn to walk or learn to ride a bicycle. So failure always has something to teach us, and often teaches us more than success does. . . What if we really believed God works everything for our good and even redeems our mistakes? That would dispel a lot of our fear and anxiety. (http://www.christianhomeschooling.us/articles/ellyndavis1.html)

He redeems our mistakes.  I know this.  I believe it about my past.  But do I live as if I believe it in the present?  Or do I spend so much time trying to make the "right" choice that I end up not choosing anything?  Do I rob myself of God's redemption in the present? 

In The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson, the author describes our Christian life as the process of walking down a long narrow street of maturity in Christ.  But the row houses on either side of the street are still under the enemy's control, and he will try to keep us from reaching our goal.  Having no authority or power to physically block our path or stop us, Satan hangs from windows and calls to us, hoping to turn our attention away from Jesus by offering temptation, calling out accusations, and tossing down deception. He wants us to slow our pace, or even sit down and stop right there in the middle of the street.  How much of my worries over a "right" choice have resulted in that same type of slowing or stopping?  Seeing a fork in the road, when really I've already taken the narrow way?

On to less thinking, and more doing as I travel down the path.

Layers

Oh, LORD, how many layers of self are there still to peel off?  How many self-wrapped chains?  How much wandering, ungrateful, testing, and complaining like the Israelites?

I pray that I do not wind up like them, camped so close to the Promised Land but unable to enter because of my own flesh.

God the Creator, bring order to my chaos so that I can play the role you have set for me.

Looking back over a year

A year ago several of us from our church went to the Women of Joy conference.   I had taken along a Christian book on depression to read during the drive, and the combined influences made for an interesting weekend. 

We build up walls of isolated despair . . . . distorted images of ourselves that keep up trapped .  .. we call out for someone to hear . . . God as the defender of the weak . . . He is mighty to save . . . find a circle of close friends you can ask to pray for you . . . depression can be anger at oneself for not being someone that we couldn't possibly be . . . God as an always faithful friend . .  . get love and acceptance from God  . . . daily Bible reading and prayer as essential

A theme quickly emerged from that weekend:  friendship.  But it didn't exactly unfold the way you might imagine it.  Going into the weekend, I had set up mental pairings of people and cast myself as a third wheel. Right away from the first night of the conference, there was a theme in the speakers of seeing ourselves through our Creator's eyes.  I found myself praying that I would find one of those friends that you can just open up to fully, and not have to keep up the walls.  There were some moments of solitude during the weekend where I wrestled with the question:  Is God enough?  And I came to the conclusion that He was.  He challenged me to reach out to someone during the last session and obey a Spirit prompting to give a small sign of His love to someone else. In the final prayer of the weekend, a comment was made about taking friendships home with us.

I thought I'd learned the lesson God had for me.

But in the dark of the evening as we drove toward home, God showed me that He had more.  We began really opening up to each other.  And as we shared, God's love flowing through His children began to illuminate those hidden depths, to expose the lies we had believed for the deceptions that they were.  We realized that while we each had been holding on to different lies, the lies were strongest in the areas of our gifts. What another could see as our strong area, individually our view of it was prone to be clouded by untruths, threatening to throw our ministry off course. 

Tears flowed, truth was spoken, prayers were offered  . . . and in the midst of it, I realized that my prayer for friend to whom I could be fully me, fears and faults and all, had been answered.  That in fact, there were at least two women already in my life who had been there all along ready to be that friend.  But I hadn't been able to see it through the lies that I'd believed in the area of friendship.  I wasn't a second tier friend after all . . . but a second "tear" friend, who would be there even in the hard times.

I left the weekend with a new found joy.  In the midst of Becky Tirabassi's session, I had scrawled a few dreams for myself for the next year, and then promptly forgotten them much the way I had treated New Year's resolutions.  But while I may have forgotten that list, God didn't.

By next year (April 2011):

• I will read the Bible and pray regularly.  My souvenir from that weekend was a One Year Bible.  I began with the April readings, and ended up finishing ahead of schedule last month.  Since then, I've begun a chronological read-through in a different translation, and am working through the New Testament for Lent.  Just in this last month, God has taught me about days of fasting and prayer in addition to the prayer I'd been doing already.
• The chains will be looser and I will see myself as God sees me.  This has been a work in progress, but the past couple months have especially brought me closer to this and I am experiencing the freedom and peace of Christ more.  He has been driving home the message that we are Children of God, that I am His precious daughter. 
• I will be the friend that I want to have.  I look back at this last year and am astounded by how full of friendship my life has become.  Friendships nurtured in person, by phone, online . . . sharing and praying and celebrating and lifting each other up.
• My health (God-willing) will not hold me back.  The Daniel fast taught me a lot about the way I've used food as an idol.  This area is still in progress, too, but the long-seated hold is being broken bit by bit.  This week brings challenges in this area, as I go through an endometrial biopsy to rule out cancer as a cause of some unusual cycles.  Another opportunity to lean into God and know that He already knows the results and can work ALL things for good to those who love God.

All I can do upon seeing who God has fulfilled that list in my life is to offer up praise and humble adoration for His grace and love.  Because none of those would have been possible on my own.  On my own, I jump in headfirst and lose steam.  On my own, I am weak.   But our amazing God works through our weaknesses!

Living Water

Earlier this year in kindergarten, we learned that Jesus gives our spirits living water to drink.  Looking at the two vases of flowers on the table today,  we were able to review that lesson. In one vase, the water level had visibly decreased by at least 3 inches, and flowers were still fresh and beautiful.  The water level in the other vase had barely gone down, and the flowers were droopy and wilted.  As I was pointing this out to my 5 year old, I realized that the lesson I was teaching was as much for me as for my daugher.

Finishing up the fast, I felt like the first vase.  I was leaning heavy onto God, filling pages in my journal with notes and prayers.  I was drinking deeply of His Word, and He was meeting me there with verses that answered questions and confirmed His plans for us.  For the first time I was successfully tearing down the idols of food and the emotional crutches that were keeping me away from God.  Prayer was feeling more powerful.  My energy levels were up, and I was sleeping well.  I was feeling joy and peace as I went through my days.  On Sunday morning, I really had no desire to return to my old eating patterns again, though I did begin to introduce some things back in meals at church and a celebratory dinner with my family.

Fast forward to today.  This afternoon I was feeling like the second vase of flowers, which had been absolutely beautiful and crisp on Sunday, but which were wilting at an alarming rate.  And I realized that in leaving the fast, I had begun to leave God behind, too.  Instead of several pages of journal and prayer leaning into God a day, I'd only done a couple pages all week. Trying to lean on my own strength led me to several "not beneficial" food choices this week, which quickly sapped my energy and probably contributed to the congestion I'm feeling.  One choice started to lead to another, and I began listening to some of the lies again.  Feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, I found myself staring at a shelf in the cupboard looking for something to lift me out of it. 

But I know where to turn.  I know to reach out and ask for prayer to get back into God's living water, to remember that the Holy Spirit's nourishing guidance is in me.  I am making the choice to pour out the liquid "counterfeit strength" of sugar and caffeine, and replace it with God's living water.  This consecration must be a daily choice, a daily setting myself apart for Him and His work, of remembering that as a believer, He already lives within me and if I let Him, can carry me through the hard choices.  It is not something that *I* must do on my own, in fact, can't do on my own.  It is remembering that there is an enemy quick to feed lies and happy to see me believing that my sin can't be conquered.  It is keeping my eyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.  It is letting His strength flow through me.