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December 19th.  Nine years ago it fell on a Friday, and that evening I found myself weeping as the last movie of the Lord of the Rings trilogy concluded.  It was this scene pictured on the right that did it.  The week before I had miscarried our third child, and had no idea if children would ever be in our future.


But despite my tears, there was a new seed of hope.  Earlier that day, one of the students in my 5th grade class had given me a Christmas card.  The card that proved to me that God not only existed, but knew me and my struggles.  And through the tears, my heart warmed.   In the up and down days of waiting to hear if this baby would continue to grow, my fortune after Chinese food read:  "You' will soon receive help from an unexpected source."  At the time I read it, my mind immediately jumped to the hope of that baby making a miraculous turnaround.  I had no idea that God would become real to me in the days to follow, and become my source of help even in the midst of my grief.

In the days that followed, that seed of hope began to grow into a new faith in Christ.  But I struggled so much with wanting a baby, a child.  Some days it felt that no cost was too great.  We looked into adoption and considered fertility treatments.  But questions kept coming into my mind - Did I trust God with this part of my life?  Could I let go of trying to control it myself?  What if we never had a child ~ could I ever really be happy? 

Fast forward to December 19, 2012.  We're planning to see The Hobbit over Christmas break, and will need to find a babysitter for our two children.  Girl and boy, just like the picture.  But even as wonderful as they are, I realize now that they aren't the true source of my happiness.  We have a promise of an Abigail ~ but that promise isn't the source of my joy either (even though her name means joy.)  The very experience of walking this road of faith, of stepping out even when we can't see the end result, and discovering that God is there - ahead of us, beside us -  that's where I'm finding joy and hope. 

The hard times still come, and these next nine years may bring heartache beyond imagine.  I pray that if they do, I won't lose total sight of that ray of hope, however dim it may seem at times.   I pray that I will be able to remember that we only see part of the picture and that from God's perspective things can seem so very, very different.  I pray that above all, I will cling to the belief that God is there and that he knows me in all my circumstances.

Ch-ch-changes

This whole year, this 2012, has been one of change.  Little changes that are big, and big changes that are little.  In the first half of the year, the kids' beloved Aunt E.B. lived with us as she transitioned from college to life on her own.  It was a good, growing experience for us all.  She had been born as I was finishing high school and leaving home, so in many ways it was the first chance I had to really get to know her.

My husband made a job change from a small school nearly 40 miles away to the large local school just a few blocks away.  While it takes a while to get used to a new place, the change has opened up time and opportunities for our family in good ways, and will be great in the long run.

And then there's the second half of the year.  That whole reading through the Bible in 90 days from this past summer?  God decided to use that time to begin leading me personally on a new path back to school.  The official notice came in December that I have been accepted to a graduate program in ministry leadership & spiritual direction.  In plain English?  Walking alongside people to help them see how God is at work in their lives and helping them overcome obstacles that get in the way of living out their faith.

These past months have been filled with prayer, seeking wisdom and discernment.  I have watched things unfold in ways that have only been God's hand. And as they have, another facet of the changes began to emerge, one that I have balked at from the beginning.  Because it didn't fit with the image I had for myself or our family.  Surely not THIS?  

But how can I follow if I'm still clutching this tightly?  And gradually, my hands have unclenched and I've begun to hold them open.  To find that verse from the beginning coming up once again:

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.  Psalm 40:3

This morning found me with a stack of enrollment paperwork for our local school.  And while I wouldn't have imagined it this time last year, and while I'm still grieving the dream a bit, it's clear that this is the path we are supposed to walk at this time.  Come January we will be making a new transition to the local classrooms.  As with most new ventures in life, I imagine it will hold both great joys and great sadness, hard lessons to learn as well as celebrations.  But it boils down to following God's leading in this place, at this time, even when it doesn't fit my mental expectations.

Don't get me wrong ~ I have LOVED having the opportunity to be teacher as well as mom for these past few years.  Home schooling has helped build my relationships with my children as they grew from toddlers into more independent kids, able to read and write and love Jesus.  We've been able to enjoy each other as a family and follow their interests.  They've learned both good and bad from me as their main teacher ~ while in some areas I've put forth my best, being together all the time has meant that they have witnessed firsthand my distracted or down days, and my procrastination.  From their new teachers and classmates, they'll learn both good and bad as well.  And as their mother, I'll remain their teacher as well, especially in the area of faith.  We'll still snuggle on the couch and read and talk and occasionally do something fun and crafty together.  There's a part of me that is a teacher at heart, even if I'm not teaching full-time at home, or full-time at a different school.

To my homeschooling friends, THANK YOU!  You have given me so much support, prayer, and encouragement, and been such shining examples that it was possible to follow God's leading to teach at home.  Even though our paths will be taking a different turn (for a season, at least), I treasure your friendship and will love hearing your updates about your home schools.  I may shed a tear or two, at least at first, but that won't stop me from celebrating your successes with you.

To my friends who have children in public school, children who have already graduated, and those who don't have children, THANK YOU!  Even if you weren't sure about our decision to teach at home, you gave love, prayer, and encouragement, and trusted that God leads us in many different ways.  I continue to treasure your friendship as well, and for those of you with kids in public school, may need to get your advice on the parent side of the classroom.

Where 2013 will take us, we're the first to say, "Only God knows!"  We're trusting that His timing for Abigail will be right, and that if we strive to remain humble and obedient servants, we'll be able to hear his voice when it's time to take action.  In the meantime, we're gearing up to embrace a new season of life around here, and continue to seek His kingdom and share His light as we go.  Keep praying for us?  And we'll do the same.