New directions (how the shift is playing out, part 2)

Just over three months ago, this sabbatical time between homeschooling and starting my graduate program began.  In one short week, I found that I had more free time than I'd had in the previous 7 1/2 years   maybe ever?  To be honest, it scared me a little bit.  Would I come to the end of it in a better place than where I began?  Would I squander vast portions of the day on things that really didn't matter?  The temptation to start writing HUGE lists of all the things that I thought that I *should* do was very strong.

But somehow, I found myself choosing a different path, prompted in part by a book that I was reading, Learning a New Routine: Reading the Sermon on the Mount by Jon Swanson.  He wrote:

Here's the new routine:  Ask God what part of His kingdom He wants you to seek right now.  And seek it.  And ask.  And seek.  And ask.  And seek.

That became my daily prayer as I made a sort of "spine" list for my day that included only the absolute necessities, and I would give space for God to show me how He would choose to use me in those spaces.

At first, much of the time was spent in my own transition of grieving the stage that was past, intense prayer for all of us, reading intently, working through many things in conversation with God.  As time went on, He began to use me in reaching out to others.  Through the wonderful promptings of His Spirit, there would be a nudge to send a card, to share a quote, or to give a quick call to ask how someone was doing.  There was time to begin a prayer ministry that I had wanted to begin for a long time, praying for people on Facebook.  He had me lead a women's study at our church, Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst, that has helped give us tools to make imperfect progress with our emotional reactions.  In these experiences, God's timing has been confirmed over and over, deepening my trust in Him and His plan. 

Then it felt like God led me into school (completely separate from the one class that I was taking).  In a matter of weeks, I found myself being dropped into several different group experiences - one for women leading women by that involved leadership coaching, another for fitness, and one for business.  None of them were sought out specifically, but God engineered ways to place me where I needed to be.  Each one seemed to fit so neatly with the others in taking me through a process of moving beyond the inner critic to find the skills, strengths, and calling that God is using me for in this season.

As the sabbatical draws to a close, I'm finding myself ready to be embarking on this new stage of the journey.  I'll be training to become a life coach and spiritual director, working from a Christian perspective, potentially with a focus on working with those who are dealing with grief.  The more I learn about these related yet distinctly different paths, the more it feels like this is what I have been created to do.  The random experiences and personality quirks that didn't make much sense before combine in an amazing way when looking at what is needed for this new part of the journey.  God's hand has been incredibly evident as I go throughout this learning time, and I'm prayerfully excited to see what He has in store in this not-yet-time-for-Abigail-to-be-joining-us time!

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what He has done and be amazed.  They will put their trust in the LORD.  Psalm 40:3 NLT

Ch-ch-changes

This whole year, this 2012, has been one of change.  Little changes that are big, and big changes that are little.  In the first half of the year, the kids' beloved Aunt E.B. lived with us as she transitioned from college to life on her own.  It was a good, growing experience for us all.  She had been born as I was finishing high school and leaving home, so in many ways it was the first chance I had to really get to know her.

My husband made a job change from a small school nearly 40 miles away to the large local school just a few blocks away.  While it takes a while to get used to a new place, the change has opened up time and opportunities for our family in good ways, and will be great in the long run.

And then there's the second half of the year.  That whole reading through the Bible in 90 days from this past summer?  God decided to use that time to begin leading me personally on a new path back to school.  The official notice came in December that I have been accepted to a graduate program in ministry leadership & spiritual direction.  In plain English?  Walking alongside people to help them see how God is at work in their lives and helping them overcome obstacles that get in the way of living out their faith.

These past months have been filled with prayer, seeking wisdom and discernment.  I have watched things unfold in ways that have only been God's hand. And as they have, another facet of the changes began to emerge, one that I have balked at from the beginning.  Because it didn't fit with the image I had for myself or our family.  Surely not THIS?  

But how can I follow if I'm still clutching this tightly?  And gradually, my hands have unclenched and I've begun to hold them open.  To find that verse from the beginning coming up once again:

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.  Psalm 40:3

This morning found me with a stack of enrollment paperwork for our local school.  And while I wouldn't have imagined it this time last year, and while I'm still grieving the dream a bit, it's clear that this is the path we are supposed to walk at this time.  Come January we will be making a new transition to the local classrooms.  As with most new ventures in life, I imagine it will hold both great joys and great sadness, hard lessons to learn as well as celebrations.  But it boils down to following God's leading in this place, at this time, even when it doesn't fit my mental expectations.

Don't get me wrong ~ I have LOVED having the opportunity to be teacher as well as mom for these past few years.  Home schooling has helped build my relationships with my children as they grew from toddlers into more independent kids, able to read and write and love Jesus.  We've been able to enjoy each other as a family and follow their interests.  They've learned both good and bad from me as their main teacher ~ while in some areas I've put forth my best, being together all the time has meant that they have witnessed firsthand my distracted or down days, and my procrastination.  From their new teachers and classmates, they'll learn both good and bad as well.  And as their mother, I'll remain their teacher as well, especially in the area of faith.  We'll still snuggle on the couch and read and talk and occasionally do something fun and crafty together.  There's a part of me that is a teacher at heart, even if I'm not teaching full-time at home, or full-time at a different school.

To my homeschooling friends, THANK YOU!  You have given me so much support, prayer, and encouragement, and been such shining examples that it was possible to follow God's leading to teach at home.  Even though our paths will be taking a different turn (for a season, at least), I treasure your friendship and will love hearing your updates about your home schools.  I may shed a tear or two, at least at first, but that won't stop me from celebrating your successes with you.

To my friends who have children in public school, children who have already graduated, and those who don't have children, THANK YOU!  Even if you weren't sure about our decision to teach at home, you gave love, prayer, and encouragement, and trusted that God leads us in many different ways.  I continue to treasure your friendship as well, and for those of you with kids in public school, may need to get your advice on the parent side of the classroom.

Where 2013 will take us, we're the first to say, "Only God knows!"  We're trusting that His timing for Abigail will be right, and that if we strive to remain humble and obedient servants, we'll be able to hear his voice when it's time to take action.  In the meantime, we're gearing up to embrace a new season of life around here, and continue to seek His kingdom and share His light as we go.  Keep praying for us?  And we'll do the same.

Writing just as fast as I can, as the rain falls 'round

Some weeks (or months . . . or years) are dry.  Bone dry to the point where you find it hard to remember what rain was like.  When we lived out in Arizona it was like that.  Months would pass with barely a cloud in the sky, you'd forget that you even owned an umbrella or that the skies did open up.

But then . . . the clouds would start to roll in one day and the wind would pick up and you ever-so-faintly detected a change.  Was that scent of rain on the way just a phantom smell?  We'd be almost afraid to hope.  And then the first drops would begin falling, hitting heavy and leaving a puff of dust in their wake.  As they picked up in intensity people would emerge from inside their concrete cocoons to the sidewalks and patios and balconies, just drinking in the scent and feel of the nearly forgotten rain.

I remember a day eight years ago in October, driving to an ultrasound as the rain poured down around.  We had lost three pregnancies already and this one had shown danger signs as well.  The song "Healing Rain" came on the radio as we drove and I remember looking down at the new outfit I had recently bought to accomodate my expanding midsection realizing that it might be forever linked to that day.  The rain that day did bring healing, as the ultrasound showed our baby growing just as she should be.

God hadn't forgotten us after all.  Our hope hadn't been misplaced.

The past week or two have been filled with prayers.  Prayers for those who are struggling right now with feeling that their hope is misplaced and that God has forgotten them, as they watch those around them receive blessings.  Prayers for renewal and filling of God's Holy Spirit.  Prayers for the family of one of God's workers taken from them too soon, with no warning.  Prayers to know God's will and be able to pray in it with faith.

And with the prayers, the scent of rain began to come.  Followed by drops . . . a comment here, a conversation there, an Abigail-sighting unexpectedly in a book or email.  As I began to capture those in writing, the drops started coming heavier with Bible verses that leap off the page, books speaking right to my heart at the moment, new prayer directions, a comment reassuring me that I'm not on this journey alone, and blogs that just beg to be followed from there-to-here.  And I find myself writing as fast as my fingers can to keep record of the way God is good and trustworthy and faithful. 

More pieces are falling into place in this puzzle, even though we don't yet know what it is building.   Today has had spring hope.  New directions around the corner, perhaps? A new journal about to be started, certainly, as this one is nearly full.  Wise words to gather that provide refreshment.  I again remind myself that this isn't my story to plan, but God's to write.

He is still doing work in us that is necessary before the next step can be revealed. . . When the blessing is finally revealed, we can see the progressive process that brought us to that point.  - Craig Portwood

• God loves the details in our lives.  Don’t be afraid to share them with Him.  Nothing is too small or too big for Him.  He works in the details.  Don’t overlook them. Actually…watch for them!
• God uses other people.  If you feel the nudge to talk or do something, pray about it.  It just might be the Holy Spirit’s guidance.  Then, do it.  If people weren’t obedient, they wouldn’t have been part of the story and witnessed God’s movement.  God would have just found another way to get it done.  He doesn’t HAVE to use us.  He chooses to use us.  He chooses to allow us to be part of His mission.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE that! - Marti Michalec Williams

So, dear friends, take heart. I believe God will do exactly what he told me. - Acts 27:25 (MSG)

Praying together

We were supposed to go  to my brother's wedding last weekend, but a certain young boy came down with an intense bout of the stomach flu.  In the unexpected time at home, there was a chance to catch up on some things, and open up a book that was on the to-be-read list, Couples Who Pray.  I didn't expect to come away from that reading with a strong feeling that this is what the next step for us was supposed to be.  An intentional forty days of prayer as a couple ~ and so it begins.  God willing, may it just be the beginning of forty weeks, forty years of praying together each day.  In that simple, yet profoundly intimate act of joining our hearts and voices together before the creator of all, we find ourselves opening up to Him and His plan is a new way. This is new for us.  While we have prayed for each other before, it is often in silence.  And though we've prayed with each other a few times in our 13+ years of marriage, it has been random and isolated.

Humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in His good time He will honor you.  Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you.    1 Peter 5:6-7

In these first short days, it already feels that God is working.  That first day, I read again of the way God often uses 40 day periods to prepare someone for His purposes, and I wonder what 40 days could mean for us.

Day 1 ~ Shared prayer at the end of the day turns a negative, snappy, gloomy day around for the better.  We talk, really talk, for the first time in a couple weeks.  Has it just been a couple weeks?  The lack of communication makes it feel far longer.  I find the coloring page that says "Abigail is wise."

Day 2 - The negative undercurrents threaten to pull me down ~ isolation, disconnect, self-pity.  He prays for me first, when I can barely make words myself through the tears.  I stumble across the word simcha - joy in Hebrew, and read that it is important in Jewish philosophy because when a person is happy, is filled with joy, they are much more capable of serving God and fulfilling their daily activities than when depressed or upset.  Crying out for wisdom from our Father, I flip open my Bible and it lands on Esther 2:15 . . . When the turn came for Esther (the girl Mordecai had adopted, the daughter of his uncle Abihail) to go to the king . . .


Day 3 - Possible answers to a prayer about daily life emerged today.  Seeking wisdom on a financial decision.  Prayed together again, and wondered why it felt so foreign to consider doing this (praying together) just a few days ago.  Time spent in conversation with a young friend searching for answers in her own life.  My FB status is about our Operation Christmas Child boxes.  That brings up a link to their page in the sidebar, and I click Like.

Day 4 - First thing that I see when opening up my FB page this morning is an Operation Christmas Child update (yes, the one that I just liked last night.)  It reads:

In Zimbabwe, Abigail, 13 yrs old, said "Thank you for the gift box I received.  I'm talented in drawing . . . .I received my gift box and was shocked!  Exactly the drawing equipment I needed was inside! . . . Today, I have joy and understand that Jesus is my provider.

God brought a blog post to my attention that was meant for a dear friend, and used me to pass it along to her.  Feeling humbled again to be used by Him!   We pray together again, and wind up looking at a possible opportunity for giving through Sixty Feet next month, struck by how incredibly blessed we are with material possessions and at the same time how they can blind us to the really important things of life.  And it brings up hard questions.  We feel a little bit like that scene in the movie The Matrix where taking the blue pill lets you stay in your comfortable belief in the illusion, while taking the red pill opens your eyes to the reality (often unseen) going on around us.  In this bond of prayer, though, we feel that we're tiptoeing towards the door together.

Day 5 - God wakes me up in the wee, wee hours of the morning with such congestion that I can't sleep.  Instead, it's time for some devoted time with Him that I have missed recently.  Major chunks from my daily Bible reading get copied down, both the New Testament passages pertaining to my attitudes and much of Psalm 107.  After reading last night about a facility that is essentially a prison for children and the efforts to improve conditions there, the lines from Psalm 107:10, 13-16, 22 glared out to me in the predawn light:

Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom, imprisoned in iron chains of misery . . . "Lord, help" they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.  He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains.  Let them praise the Lord for his great love and the wonderful things he has done for them.  For he broken down their prison gate of bronze; he cut apart their bars of iron. . . Let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving and sing joyfully about his glorious acts.

As I clicked online, there was a perfect blog entry about the beauty in waiting, followed by another blog entry about patience, which led to my getting to share our Abigail story with an online friend who was inquiring what God was doing in my life. A quick phone call with a friend to share some of what God is bringing our way.

And then one more blog entry comes my way this afternoon, from a Compassion blogger  traveling in Ecuador.  I read of poverty and our wealth blinding us, and then it comes:

I remember to breathe – remember that it all can begin just one beautiful child at a time, one small, necessary sacrifice at a time.

After the last potatoe eye is buried like a seed in good soil, I take Rosa’s neice’s hand, Abigail and we walk up to eat, and this shaping a life into the Cross-life, could it begin by just simply stretching out a hand?

I watch Abigail across the table too.
I pray too.                                                                             - Ann Voskamp

Again.  Abigail.   Lord, you are working in the wait.  We pray in those last moments before sleep, keep preparing us and molding us to be vessels of Your love.