100 posts later . . .

Today marks 2 years.  Two years since life was given a whole new perspective, Abigail-colored glasses, so to speak.  Two years ago I found myself starting a blog.

A year ago, a year felt like an incredibly long time in some respects.  A year ago, I was blessed to discover little Abigail reminders waiting for me first thing in the morning.  A year ago, I found myself looking back. 

And today I see that this is the 100th post on this blog. One hundred posts that have led me bit by bit, step by step to who I am today.  Two years closer to seeing what God has in store for Abigail.  Life is beginning to look a little different, but still so much the same. 

Long term faith is a tricky thing.  It's so easy to try to fit God's plan into our timing and then get frustrated and disappointed and doubt when it doesn't happen.  It's tempting to try to take things into our own hands and act on what we think the plan might be.  It's a short step to judging things solely from what we can see and decide that nothing is happening or that we heard God wrong or that He has changed His mind.  It's not a long slide into making the fulfillment of the promise an idol that surpasses the importance of the Giver of the promise.

I go back frequently to the question ~ what if I misunderstood?  Would my journey over these past years be all for nothing?  So far, I can say that it would still be worth it.  I wouldn't want to trade the changes that I have seen God make in me, and in my husband.  God has opened the doors to new aspects of our callings.  It is no longer just about Abigail, but about God's bigger plan to use our family.  He has knit together my life with those of many others through this journey, and our friendships have moved to a deeper level that is centered on what God is doing in our lives.  He has opened our eyes to the way He is working outside of our little family or church. 

I have to be honest .  . . there is a part of me that would just love some confirmation on this 2nd "Abi-versary".  A special verse, or sign of some sort, to reassure me that I didn't misunderstand.  And as I go through my day, I've got an eye and ear tuned to notice if there is.  But if there isn't .  . . it's ok.  God doesn't change just because I can't see things from His perspective.  Even when I can't understand why things are or aren't happening in a certain way, He is still on His throne and working all things for good.

Keep tuned .  . . when the timing is right, our next Abigail steps will be shown.  And until then, we keep putting pieces into place.  Sometimes they feel like they may be from a different puzzle, but in the end, I have a feeling they will have been part of her picture the whole time. 

And maybe one day we'll find ourselves saying, "Abby girl, God knew you before you were born, and He told us about you.  You grew in our hearts long before you began to grow inside the womb.  He has a plan for you, such a big plan that it needed more than just our family to be praying for you. He loves you so very much, Abigail, and so do we."

Sabbatical

A friend referred to these days I am in as a sabbatical, and I immediately latched on to the term.  In the academic world, it is a year to be spend renewing and refreshing through travel, study, and rest, taken roughly every seven years.  In the trenches of motherhood, it is an unknown concept.  In the busy-ness of our American culture, even a weekly Sabbath rest is hard to carve out.

We sometimes picture God brushing the dust off his hands in the Genesis account of creation, then settling back in a recliner for a well earned rest, his work done.  Then we compare that to our own lives and bolster our decision to work straight through every day of every week of every month with a  "I'd love to rest, but there's just too much work to do.  Maybe someday when it's done."  A line in Wonderstruck has stayed with me this week:  "Sometimes it's easy to read the story of creation and think that on the seventh day God's work was done, but really God's work had only just begun.  Yet God chose to rest anyway."

This is a challenge for the side of me that loves to check things off lists, and that always has a much bigger list in my head than I could ever complete in several lifetimes.  Choosing to rest anyway.  The overachiever in the back of my mind is raising her hand, ready to denounce the laziness. 

I read further, and ponder along with the author that the two longest commandments are worshiping only God and not idols, and observing the Sabbath.  Even the overachiever is forced to put her hand down when confronted by this thought:

Apart from developing a healthy rhythm of rest, we succumb to idols and their constant demands.  The Sabbath provides the space we need to recognize the false gods that slip into our lives when we are distracted.  This holy day gives us the opportunity to remove them and recalibrate our lives to God.

Gulp.  My idols.  In this sabbatical time, God is revealing them for what they are, and they sometimes show up in unlikely places.  They have snuck in to my life, with their promises that by following them, everything else will be good.  By carefully adhering to each item on their lists, I'll have nothing to worry about.  And worst of all, I realize that many of them crept in by disguising themselves as God's will.  At first a well-intentioned way of following God, they had shifted and grown so much that trust began to be placed on them instead.  News reports have a way of revealing them lately.  I'll hear something and begin to think, "Oh, but I don't have to worry about that, because we . . . .  oh wait, we don't.  Aggghhhh!  What will we do, we're not safe anymore?!?"  And just like that, an idol is revealed for what it had started to become, something sneaking in place of God.

This sabbatical time is reminding me that our true safety and rest only come from the One whom we follow, not on our actions or those of others.  And that in the end, God is bigger than even the worst nightmare that we can imagine, and is capable of redeeming it into something beautiful, for His glory.  So if you catch me with my feet up for a bit, pull up a chair and join me?  The lists will still be there, the laundry isn't going to run off, and as long as the kids are in a secure location, they can entertain themselves for a few minutes.  We'll take a few minutes to rest and seek God, and remember that the world really won't stop turning if we pause.

January recap

A month gone by, the first of this new stage of life for us.   My goals for January were simple ~ make it through, and get used to new schedules and routines.  And in that respect, it was a rousing success.  We're all starting to - dare I say it? - embrace the new normal.

The kids have gotten used to getting up early and are making friends.  They're adjusting to school routines and teachers that are different from the ones we'd had here.  A corner of the dining room has become homework and backpack central.  And in the midst of the moments of "AGGGGHHHH!  What are we DOING?", God has sent little moments that assure us that we are following His plan.  A comment that "My class talks about church a lot!", an image of the Lord standing right beside the eldest, the way the other kids at the bus stop have seem so eager for adult interaction each morning . . . little things timed so perfectly.  We've found that getting up a little earlier makes not only for smoother mornings, but allows us to time to do a quick Bible reading and prayer before school.

For me, this is sacred time.  There are three months until my studies begin in full force, so I have this window of time to  . . . be.  It's been tempting to make huge lists.  But for January, I allowed myself grace and space to make the transition.  To grieve the end of the era of having the kids with me all day, and to start to put on a not-only-mom-and-teacher identity.  To rewrite my mental to-do list with our new routines.  It's a rare season where I can let God use me each day to spend time praying for others and immersing myself in His word.  I'm not taking it lightly ~ these times don't come often.

There's been reading, though not as much as I expected.  There's been cleaning, also not as much I would have liked.  There's been exercise, and a few lunches with friend.  At times it feels like I'm cheating ~ surely it's not permissible to have time for me during the day!  There's been good time talking and reading and snuggling with the kids in the evenings and after school.  

For February, it's time to tackle the used-to-be school room.  For last month it sat just as we left it before Christmas, shades drawn.  But it's time.  God has called us to this new path, and that means stepping onto it fully, trusting that He goes before us. 

A prayer marked by faith is never about what happens on our terms or time lines, but God's.  Faith-stained prayer brings us to a place of trust and hope. - Margaret Feinberg in Wonderstruck

The past six weeks have reinforced for me that once we turn ourselves over to God, we shouldn't be surprised when life doesn't happen on our terms or time lines.  It will seldom look just like the life we've so admired in a friend, and will often take us places that we never expected to go (whether that be across the world or from one room to the next).  But God is good, and He sees so far beyond what I can see.  Often the things that seem the best from my vantage point would pale in comparison to what He has in store.

PS:  For the book-inclined, here's the list of books that were finished in January.  Many of them were started earlier:

• Red letter verses of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
• Reinventing Rachel, Alison Strobel (fiction)
• Learning a New Routine: Reading the Sermon on the Mount, Jon Swanson
• When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions, Sue Monk Kidd
• A Guide for Listening and Inner Healing Prayer, Rusty Rustenbach
• Flunking Sainthood: A Year of Breaking the Sabbath, Forgetting to Pray, and Still Loving My Neighbor, Jana Riess
• Beyond the Storm, Carolyn Zane (fiction)
• Michael: A Novel, Jill Eileen Smith
• Bathsheba: A Novel, Jill Eileen Smith

Have faith

Just have  faith, and it'll be alright.  

How often do we see or hear some version of this thought?  I've thought it before, and chances are you have too.  Well meaning friends and relatives have probably tried to encourage us to not give up, to have faith.  In the Bible, we read stories of miraculous healings and people brought back from the dead, and faith (Matthew 9:20 & Mark 10:52, for example).

When the threat of the worst comes, we desperately cling to this.  If I can just have enough faith, everything will be alright.  I won't miscarry this baby, my child will survive this disease, my mother's tumor will shrink, we will be protected . . . God won't let bad things happen to us because we have enough faith.

Read that last part again.  Have you thought it before?  That if you can just pray enough, get enough others praying, focus on the protection or the healing without any doubt, that God won't let the worst happen?  Sometimes the worst doesn't happen.  The tornado goes south, the surgery works, the bleeding stops.  We praise God for his blessings and the belief that "faith = good things" is cemented a little deeper.

But what about the times when  the worst does happen?  That even with day and night prayers and fasting, with prayer chains worldwide, with never having doubted or worried that God would heal or protect . . . the miscarriage happened, the baby died, the tumor grew, the abuse wasn't stopped, the hurricane wiped out everything.  What then?  How could God let the bad things happen?

I wonder if we sometimes confuse faith in God with faith in his actions.  We read the Bible stories of faith with a narrow focus on the healing and begin to think that we need to believe in the healing and protection, in the possibility of the impossible act itself.  We read  "For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37), and we focus in on the word nothing, substituting in our circumstance.  

Too many times I have done just that,  having faith that the situation would be resolved  in a way that I wanted - instead of fixing my faith on God himself.  And that knowledge is brought to light when the worst happens, when the impossible thing remained impossible even though I had faith.  At those moments it feels like my world is collapsing, like God has turned away or maybe isn't even there, because He didn't do what I believed he could do.

In the book of Daniel, three young men refused to worship the king despite threat of death by fiery furnace. 

But if you don’t worship it, you will immediately be thrown into a furnace of blazing fire—and who is the god who can rescue you from my power?”

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied to the king, “Nebuchadnezzar, we don’t need to give you an answer to this question.  If the God we serve exists, then He can rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He can rescue us from the power of you, the king.  But even if He does not rescue us, we want you as king to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.” (Daniel 3:15b-18)

I read those words, "But even if He does not rescue us" and realize that I was putting my belief in the rescue instead of the One who can rescue.  Having faith in God, instead of the action, changes everything.  Because when our faith is in God himself, it isn't bound by the limits we've put on it.  When my faith is in the act of healing or rescue or protection,  then the only way that I can see that faith answered is if that specific act happens.  But when my faith is placed in God himself, as it was for these three young men, then that faith is answered by God himself regardless of the way that situation plays out.  Even if the worst does end up happening, my faith can be answered because God is there as Rock, Comforter, and Redeemer.  Instead of feeling like He has turned his back, I can seek refuge in His arms, knowing that  He is bigger than any situation.  That even when the bad things do happen, He not only can be my comfort, but can over time redeem the bad and use it for good.

Where are you putting your faith today, in that situation in your life?  I gently urge you to make sure it is focused on God himself instead of the hoped for outcome, and pray that you will do the same for me.  And dear friend, if you are struggling today because the worst did happen, know that God is still there, He is still good, and His love hasn't changed.  Seek refuge in His everlasting arms ~ they're big enough to hold any emotion you are feeling.  Take your anger, your fear, your disappointment, your sadness to Him.

 

We live by faith and not by sight

For we live by faith and not by sight. ~2 Corinthians 5:7

Sometimes a long stretch will go by where it seems that things are quiet on the Abigail front.  No little reminders or big events, no nudges for steps to take on this front.  And in those times, I almost begin to wonder.  Is this still happening?  Did I miss a cue?  Are we still on the right path?

And just when the seed of doubt is about to grow, it seems a little something comes along as a reminder.  This time my husband asked late one night if I'd seen the orange card in our 5 year old son's room that had Abigail written on it. 

I hadn't, so the next day he found it for me.  My son proudly announced that he had written it himself.  "We were playing Santa, mama, and I was making presents for baby Abigail." 

Thank you, Lord, for those little reminders that make it easier to live by faith, even when it appears that nothing is happening from my perspective. 

In the middle

That's where I've been these past couple months, in the middle.  As a friend wrote this morning,

Beginnings are shiny and exciting; endings are often hard won and celebrated, but it’s the middle places where the real work is done, where the change occurs, the healing happens, the laughter and tears roll up into each other. - Dana

So often, the change happens without us realizing it.   The initial moments catch our attention, but the real working it out comes over the days, during moments we wrestle with it in the midst of the rest of life.  Maybe while doing dishes or folding laundry or walking the dog or driving to work we catch a few minutes to hammer out more of it with God, then it's right back into the rest of life again.  String enough of those days together, and you realize that somehow, in the midst of it, something that once felt so big or foreign or scary is no longer marked by those characteristics.  It just is.  And it has become part of your life.

That's much the way that God has been working here.  A new idea or a necessary change doesn't happen immediately, but goes through this hammering out in the day-to-day.   Right now there are lots of little threads that have begun to be woven into this tapestry of life, but they're hanging, waiting to be picked back up and woven in when the time is right.

Meanwhile, in the middle .  . .

there is support for a husband with a new job . . .

there is learning to (mostly) read and write (a little) Hebrew . . .

there is the crossing-off-the-list of dishes and laundry and cleaning . . .

there is a part-time job of helping make math less scary for students . . .

there is daily teaching of my own two students, one in 2nd grade, and the other in kindergarten . . .

there is worship and service through our church . . .

there is a graduate class that expands my thinking about God on a regular basis and provides discussion with others . . .

there is reaching out to other women who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or other circumstance later on . . .

there is daily seeking God in his word, striving to listen to and obey his voice . . . 

there is the reading of books (when I get the chance) . . .

there is the writing down of the ways that God seems to be speaking, and what he is doing in our lives . . .

and there are tentative jottings of where life may be headed, so that just in case it does go that direction, we can look back at see how He laid the path step by step and remember that it was, from the beginning, God's path.

Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?  Psalm 27:1 KJV

The past few months have been quiet here on the blog.  Maybe you've wondered the invisible questions that I sometimes thought you have:  Has she given up?  Is scared of moving forward?  Got sidetracked by life?  Was it just a passing fad and she's coming back to her senses?  

While there are admittedly moments where I wonder, when it seems as if nothing is happening that I can turn to and say, "This.  See, this is the next step.",  God is so very, very gracious to then send a little reminder that He is at work.  Sometimes that takes the form of getting to catch up ever so briefly with a friend and hear a long-ago promised story that is even sweeter hearing it in a time of drought.   Other times it is a name that jumps out at me from the blue, like seeing the book title A is for Abigail on the shelf at the library.

Some days, the reminders come straight from the Bible.  Back last May, in the midst of uncertainty over a potential job change for my husband, I took on a challenge to read through the Bible over the summer.  I find myself nearing the end, and this morning my reading in Hebrews just seemed to fly off the page.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  Hebrews 10:23 

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise.  Hebrews 11:11

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.  Hebrews 11:39-40 

Faith.   Belief that God is big enough to do the seemingly impossible.  That the impossible is often what brings the most glory to God, since we aren't able to mistakenly take credit for it ourselves.

Last night I also was reading in the book Anything: the prayer that unlocked my God and my soul, by Jennie Allen, and there were many parts that resonated within me about this journey that we are on.  One of those that really stood out was a section where she envisioned facing God at the end of life, and hearing him ask why she had sought her comfort more than him: 

Why had I loved people more than him?  Why had I sat on every gift he had given me to make him known?  Because I cared more about being judged by everyone else but him?  (p.78)  

The journey of these past few months has been hard to put into words.  It hasn't been so much a physical journey as a spiritual and mental one that I didn't seek out and didn't see coming.  It has involved shifts in my thinking that have made me realize that I can't fit neatly into labelled boxes of human creation, despite my best efforts.  God wired me differently, and He has been the one guiding me through this new territory.  It has been scary at times, because those same boxes are comforting in their close boundaries.  As much as checklists of do's and don't's seem to chafe at times, they hold out a (false) promise that one only has to follow them to find comfort and safety and happiness.  But at the same time, there sometimes isn't much room left for Jesus' call to follow Him in between the checking off of boxes. 

He has been showing me that He is bigger than I ever imagined, and isn't confined just to the places that I think He should be.  It's a little hard to even type these last sentences, knowing that there are some who will read them not as a discovery of God's greatness, but instead as a slide down a slippery slope.  I've read too many arguments from folks on all sides online, and the fear that someone will question the validity of my journey, the orthodoxy of my beliefs, or even my salvation has crept in quietly, leading me to only share some of this within the pages of my journal or very hesitantly with those closest to me.

But a few lines in that same book made me realize that in doing so, I am hiding God's work. 

But so many things about obeying him are weighty.  I am afraid of my capacity to do all of this.  I hate being out there for scrutiny.  I am afraid of what some of it will mean for my family and so many other things.  So why do it?  What if these little acts of obedience were a small part of a matrix of dominoes unfolding the glory of God . . . what if I laid down my life, my domino, and through that unleashed an army of others who laid down and unleashed their obedience, and through this matrix, God's glory was displayed . . . We are all dominoes in this . . . we all have our place in this.  What is yours?  p. 113

 I can let other people down.  If God is for me . . . the God of the universe for me . . . who could be against me?  Whom else shall I fear?  p. 38

Because in the end, while I love all of my brothers and sisters here on earth, you aren't the ones that I'll have to answer to about the choices I made.  And because I'm blessed with friends from all ends of the political and social spectrum, no matter what choice I make, it will leave some (or most?  :)  ) of you shaking your heads from time to time wondering if I've completely gone off the deep end.   But I have to realize that is alright, because in the end, God is the one whose opinion really counts.  When Jesus called me to follow Him, whether I did so or not is what will be considered. 

His calling for me will look different than His calling for you.  And while our paths may run parallel for a time, they remain our own paths.  And when our paths veer in different directions for a time, I promise to listen and rejoice with you as God works, to encourage you to lean always on Him and seek first his kingdom.  Will you do the same for me?

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds . . . Hebrews 10:23-24

So busy looking down . . .

We were winding down a busy week of vacation, and had walked down to the pond on that hot, sunny day to feed the fish. A few clouds had floated by in the distance, but we hadn't even heard a rumble of thunder or seen a single drop of much needed rain.

As the kids tossed food to the fish with Grandma, I wandered the pond bank with my camera, keeping my eyes peeled for little treasures hidden amidst the rocks and grass. A tiny flower here, a little frog there.  Then on the water, I saw a shimmer of rainbow colors, and snapped a picture, assuming it might be an oil slick. My mind started to grumble at whoever must be responsible for it as my eyes stayed peeled to the bank and the water. 


Then I heard a voice behind me call out, "Wow!  Look at the rainbow!"  As I lifted my eyes upwards, sure enough, there nestled into the distant clouds was a beautiful rainbow.   And I'd missed it at first, eyes focused downward, even mistakenly identifying the reflection as something negative.  

It made me wonder how many times I've missed God while focused downward on the craziness of life surrounding me.  How many times could I have simply shifted my focus up, and been met with evidence of God in the midst?

I was shocked to even see the rainbow.  The sunshine and heat that day, the blue skies in the west and overhead, the lack of any rain that had fallen ~ a rainbow was the last thing I expected to see.

But there it was.  A reminder that even when circumstances try their best to convince me that God has left, He is still there.  I need only to turn my focus heavenward.

What God Has Been Doing

Despite the silence on the blog, God has been up to big things in the past month.  Many of them haven't quite been at the sharing stages yet, however. 

Yesterday day was Father's Day, and it felt very appropriate that my scheduled Bible reading ended up including the story of David and Abigail.  A good reminder that Abigail won't just be my daughter, but my husband's, too.  And oh, how God has been working overtime in his life!

For the past 7 years, my husband has taught at a school 35 miles away.  He has really enjoyed his time there, and felt that God really led him to that school when we moved to the Midwest.  But for the past few months, there was a discontent with knowing that he would be having to leave a grade that he loved teaching due to enrollment.   Despite this, he was prepared to switch to a new grade and make the best of it in hopes that someday he would be able to get back.

Then in a series of events that could only be God, he ended up applying for a job at the school district a few blocks from our house.  That began a roller coaster of a few weeks that included an interview for a different position than he'd applied for, only to find out he didn't get that job.   We both mourned lost opportunities, while he resigned himself to remaining where he was and taking steps to do that.  Almost immediately, he was contacted for an interview for a different position at the close school, which led to a crazy day of determining whether it would still be possible to make a switch.   That came just before the long Memorial Day weekend, so we spent an agonizing four days waiting to hear back if he would still be able to interview for the position.  He did end up getting to interview for it, and was contacted the next morning with a job offer!  All this in the middle of the end of the school year and dealing with sickness making its way through the house.

So thanks to God's hand at work, instead of commuting an hour and a half each day, it will take less than ten minutes.  The savings in time, gas, wear and tear on the car .  . . almost too much to count.  And, he will still be with the age range that he's come to prefer teaching.

But there's probably more in store that just hasn't been revealed yet.  Because while it would be nice to think that all of that is blessing for doing such a great job, chances are God has a bigger reason for moving him closer.  Whether that is in preparation for new ministry focus, in preparation for Abigail, or both remains to be seen.   In any case, the way the details of this job change came about left us with no question that it was God's hand at work. 

And during this process, I learned more than I dreamed about the way that God can move when something is part of His plans.  So often during it all, I found myself thinking "this will be the roadblock that stops the whole thing ~ God, if this is part of your plan, you'll have to be the one to move the mountain."  And time after time, that's exactly what He did.  I had to face the possibility that I'd put more emphasis on the things that would make our life better with a job move than on the One who could make our lives better no matter what the circumstances.  The depth of my disappointment when it looked like there wouldn't be a job change was humbling, as was the realization that we'd been letting some of our walk with God slip, especially as a couple, in the midst of the daily grind.   I realized that I was approaching this new possibility with guarded emotions, afraid to let myself hope too much ~ quite similar to the way I'd approached pregnancy after miscarriages.

So now we prepare to trade in the green and gold for the orange and black, and head into new directions.  The job change is only the tip of what God is doing in my husband's life.  I can't wait to see what else He has in store!

Change of plans

Bible reading plans, that is.  :)

Last November, I tried to write about my new reading plan, but God had other ideas.  I was finishing up a chronological read through of the Bible (reading along with a great group of women on FB), which had followed my first EVER reading of the entire Bible.   After looking over several different possibilities, one plan just jumped out at me, despite the somewhat lengthy name: Professor Grant Horner's Bible Reading System.  The concept was fairly simple:  Divide the books of the Bible up into several different lists (10, to be exact) and then read one chapter from each list every day.  Some lists would be completed quickly (reading through Proverbs), others would take much longer (Genesis through Deuteronomy).   Since one of the touted benefits was getting to really know where different books are located at in a physical Bible, I decided to set my Kindle aside and pick up my main Bible.  After printing off the bookmarks, I was ready to go, and began in late November.

I have absolutely loved reading through the Bible this way, to my surprise.  Being in so many different places in the same day really has allowed some of the bigger themes to show through.   Starting each reading in the gospels, but then reading from the perspective of the law, the epistles, Psalms, Proverbs, history, prophets, or the early church really gave a better feel for how the Bible fits together.  There were so many times in these past six months that a scheduled reading had to be God-set ~ like winding up on the story of David and Abigail on the first anniversary of the Abigail revelation.   Seeing so many of dates and notes jotted down in my Bible as I flipped back and forth was such an encouragement on days that were dark and dreary.  And yes, I really did gain a much better feel for where different books are at in the Bible.  :)

But for the summer, I'll be setting aside my ten bookmarks for a different plan.   Memorial Day through Labor Day, it's time to dig in for reading the Bible in 90 days.  The timing is interesting, as there's a possibility of some big changes to my husband's work coming.   And despite the outcome of that situation, we probably need to make some changes to the way we approach things as a family.  Wisdom and guidance on that will be much desired!

So as my scheduled reading in Psalms today reminded me:

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what He has done and be amazed.  They will put their trust in the LORD.  Psalm 40:3

I can't wait to see where God meets us this summer, and where we are by the time Labor Day rolls around.

Praising

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.   Proverbs 19:21

How appropriate that this is the final proverb that my 1st grader is memorizing for the year!  A dear friend sent one of the variations of this (Proverbs 16:9) to me the other day as I was fretting about how things would go this week.  And then it appeared in my scheduled Bible reading yesterday.

Perfect timing.  Because honestly, last week I was drifting too far into the realm of "this MUST happen" ~ and losing sight of the who would make it happen.  This week brings the possibility of a change in our daily lives, but the reality is, unless we have our focus on the right person, even the best of changes will fall short.

So I'm praising the One who holds our future, who has a plan for us that will unfold when the the time is right, and praying for patience as we wait to see whether this potential change is part of that plan.

Foundations

There's a house just across the street that always has had such a nicely landscaped yard.  No weeds in the flower beds out front, the grass always trimmed right on schedule . . . in contrast to the overgrown flower beds and grass in dire need of a mowing here.  I'll admit, there have been times I've looked out the window and felt the guilt creeping in . . . guilt for not keeping the flowers weeded as well as the former owners, or for letting the yard go a few too many days in between mowings.   Small children, homeschooling, and teaching schedules will do that to a yard.

But over the past week, some interesting things have been happening.  At first it was a curiosity . . . the neatly manicured hedges were ripped out.  Then came the truck loaded down with steel beams and railroad ties.   As we watched out the window in between lessons, holes were knocked in in the foundation and the beams maneuvered under the house.  By the end of the day, the house had been lifted high enough for someone to crouch down and walk underneath.  Today though, it really got interesting.  Quietly, without any roar of loud machinery, with just the buzz of a small Bobcat and a few suspendered & straw hatted workers,  a temporary support was built and the house was simply slid over to the side, completely off the foundation.  Just like that. 

How often our faith is like that house!  It looks neat and put together on the outside.  But there are small tell-tale signs that something isn't quite right.  Maybe tiny cracks appear, or the door that once opened so smoothly has started to stick.  As we investigate, we realize that some of that put together appearance is just decoration . . . the landscaping. The foundation may look solid from the outside edges and seem to fit together oh-so-neatly.  But what is underneath, at the heart?  Leaving it alone seems easier for the time being . . . but in the long run, leads to collapse.  The scary part comes next, when holes are knocked into that oh-so-nice looking foundation.  Holes of questioning?  Of doubt? Will the whole thing come crashing down?

Temporary supports find an opening through those holes, though.  And before you know it, you've slid right off of the old foundation and found that the temporary beams can support it even while balanced on what seems a precarious stack.  Maybe that's you, or someone dear to you, and it appears that faith has slid completely off of its foundations and is in a whole different place ~ that scary place of being "up in the air."  We try to push back onto the old foundation, to put things the way they were.  We don't realize that this is temporary and necessary for a solid future.  It's hard to trust that the temporary supports will hold steady. 

But the old foundation is now exposed for what it truly was ~ not a solid, neat, tight-fitting base, but a mixed up conglomeration of things that worked and things that didn't.  Of strong walls alongside crumbling ones.  Essential plumbing running throughout old ruins.  All previously hidden behind a neat outer facade that looked strong. But now rebuilding the foundation can begin and strength restored.  No longer covering up the crumbling weak spots with something that looks good but won't hold.  But building a solid foundation of truth and grace and love and trust and listening and obedience.  Cementing together bricks of relationship and community and unity in Jesus.  Restoring a foundation that is strong enough to weather the rains.  So that when you slide back onto the foundation, it holds, and is stronger than it ever was to begin with.   Trust the Master Builder . . . He knows what He's doing.

(We'll keep watching the construction across the street.  Because maybe in addition to strengthening a foundation, something brand new like a basement will be dug in preparation for that solid future.)

PS:  Today, they put up steps to the front door (which is 5 feet or so up in the air) ~ looks like life is going to continue in the midst of construction and being "up in the air" ~ which it should for us all.  :)

Writing just as fast as I can, as the rain falls 'round

Some weeks (or months . . . or years) are dry.  Bone dry to the point where you find it hard to remember what rain was like.  When we lived out in Arizona it was like that.  Months would pass with barely a cloud in the sky, you'd forget that you even owned an umbrella or that the skies did open up.

But then . . . the clouds would start to roll in one day and the wind would pick up and you ever-so-faintly detected a change.  Was that scent of rain on the way just a phantom smell?  We'd be almost afraid to hope.  And then the first drops would begin falling, hitting heavy and leaving a puff of dust in their wake.  As they picked up in intensity people would emerge from inside their concrete cocoons to the sidewalks and patios and balconies, just drinking in the scent and feel of the nearly forgotten rain.

I remember a day eight years ago in October, driving to an ultrasound as the rain poured down around.  We had lost three pregnancies already and this one had shown danger signs as well.  The song "Healing Rain" came on the radio as we drove and I remember looking down at the new outfit I had recently bought to accomodate my expanding midsection realizing that it might be forever linked to that day.  The rain that day did bring healing, as the ultrasound showed our baby growing just as she should be.

God hadn't forgotten us after all.  Our hope hadn't been misplaced.

The past week or two have been filled with prayers.  Prayers for those who are struggling right now with feeling that their hope is misplaced and that God has forgotten them, as they watch those around them receive blessings.  Prayers for renewal and filling of God's Holy Spirit.  Prayers for the family of one of God's workers taken from them too soon, with no warning.  Prayers to know God's will and be able to pray in it with faith.

And with the prayers, the scent of rain began to come.  Followed by drops . . . a comment here, a conversation there, an Abigail-sighting unexpectedly in a book or email.  As I began to capture those in writing, the drops started coming heavier with Bible verses that leap off the page, books speaking right to my heart at the moment, new prayer directions, a comment reassuring me that I'm not on this journey alone, and blogs that just beg to be followed from there-to-here.  And I find myself writing as fast as my fingers can to keep record of the way God is good and trustworthy and faithful. 

More pieces are falling into place in this puzzle, even though we don't yet know what it is building.   Today has had spring hope.  New directions around the corner, perhaps? A new journal about to be started, certainly, as this one is nearly full.  Wise words to gather that provide refreshment.  I again remind myself that this isn't my story to plan, but God's to write.

He is still doing work in us that is necessary before the next step can be revealed. . . When the blessing is finally revealed, we can see the progressive process that brought us to that point.  - Craig Portwood

• God loves the details in our lives.  Don’t be afraid to share them with Him.  Nothing is too small or too big for Him.  He works in the details.  Don’t overlook them. Actually…watch for them!
• God uses other people.  If you feel the nudge to talk or do something, pray about it.  It just might be the Holy Spirit’s guidance.  Then, do it.  If people weren’t obedient, they wouldn’t have been part of the story and witnessed God’s movement.  God would have just found another way to get it done.  He doesn’t HAVE to use us.  He chooses to use us.  He chooses to allow us to be part of His mission.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE that! - Marti Michalec Williams

So, dear friends, take heart. I believe God will do exactly what he told me. - Acts 27:25 (MSG)

My prayer

Distant friend, whom I only know from over these virtual connections . . . . long-ago friend, whom I haven't gotten to see in far too long . . . here and now friend, whom I still haven't connected with as often as I should . . . this post is written with you in mind.  (And for myself, for those times I need the reminder.)

My prayer for you is that God will show his presence in your life in a way that makes it impossible for you to doubt very long His personal love for YOU.  That even when it seems like you are the only one who is left behind in a place of unanswered prayers, when in fact it seems like others are getting answers to prayers they never even had to pray, that you will have hope to hold on to.  Hope that the creator of the universe has a place for you and a plan for you, and that even though it may not be the one you have hoped and dreamed of, that it is GOOD and that through Him, you will find rest in it. (Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. )

My prayer is that even in the hard times, you are able to go back through your life and find the ways that God has been working behind the scenes, often when you couldn't see it and it felt like you were left alone, and know that He has never forgotten you.  (Joshua 1:5b - I will never leave you nor forsake you.)

My prayer is that even when there seems to be no way out of the present circumstances, that you will put your trust in the one who does know the way.  (2 Chronicles 20:12b - We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.)

My prayer for you is that He would be enough.
 

God's timing

Every so often you read something that just stands out like a neon sign, sometimes in the most unusual of places.  And if that something happens to be written by a child, sometimes a simple misspelling can add a whole new twist to a familiar message.

They were working on  a mosaic that would share a message about God or Jesus.  She had pieced the squares together into a rainbow and written a message above it.

God never brakes his promises.

I've read so many times that God doesn't break his promises . ..  but this caught my eye.  God never brakes his promises.   Just last night (at our Higher Hope support group for those who have lost children) we talked about how we sometimes were sure that something was going to happen at a certain time ~ and then it didn't.  Did we misunderstand?  Hear Him wrong?  Not hear Him at all?

But this . .  . God knows.  He knows the perfect timing for His plans.  And what seems like a delay to us isn't a bump in the road to Him.   He knew it was coming, and steered around it, no brakes necessary, to arrive at the destination in His perfect timing.  So maybe next time I'm tempted to slam on the brakes and yank the wheel out of His hands, I'll remember to let Him drive.  Because He's got it all under control, even on a road that is filled with hazards and detours in my eyes.  He will get us there ~ not a moment too soon, not a moment too late, but right on His time.

Lord, I thank you for messages sent through children.  And for Your timing ~ even when I don't understand it.

PS:  Thank you, friend, for snapping that picture for me!  ;)

Believing in the promised land

This morning the kids and I were sitting at the table reading our Bible story for school over breakfast.  Today's selection from Numbers told of the twelve men sent to explore the land of Canaan.  Although they returned with tales of the land's bounty, ten of the men wrote off any possibility of entering the land due to the power of the people already living there.  Only two held on to the promise from the Lord.  Joshua and Caleb reminded the Israelites that "If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us.  Only do not rebel against the Lord.  And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up.  Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us.  Do not be afraid of them."  Numbers 14:8-9  As a result of their belief in God's promise, Joshua and Caleb would be the only ones to enter the Promised Land.   All the others, not believing in the power of God to keep His promise despite all the miracles that they had witnessed, would perish during the 40 year exile in the desert.  What blessings would have awaited them if only they had believed!

We talked about the way that God makes it possible for His promises to be fulfilled, even if there are huge obstacles in the way.   I pointed to the Build a Church bank on the table, and likened it to a mountain.  Would a tiny ant be able to move it?   Of course not.  As my son pointed out, he'd squash himself trying.  But to us, it's easy to pick it up and move it.  We made the connection that we are like those little ants sometimes, facing huge obstacles that are in between us and God's plans.  If we try to move them on our own, not only will we fail, but we're likely to be squashed trying.  God is the only one who can move those mountains, and for Him, they aren't mountains at all.    We talked about the importance of believing the promises that God gives us, even when it looks like there is no way that they can happen.

"Kids, did you know that God has given Mama and Daddy a promise?"  I thought that I was going to tell them about building a church, since I'd been sitting there using the bank as a prop.  But instead, I found myself telling them that God had let us know that another child would be joining our family.  That we didn't know when ~ maybe this year, maybe many years from now ~ and that we didn't know how ~ maybe that child would grow inside me or maybe be adopted ~ and that we didn't know if the child would come to us as a baby or as an older child, but that we did know who the child would be.  "God said, 'Your daughter's name will be Abigail.'  Mama and Daddy are already praying for her, and you can pray for her, too."

They began negotiating with each other where she would sleep, and checking to see if they could help take care of her, if she came as a baby.  E looked up with excitement.  "Maybe she'll be from China!"  This is the daughter who began traveling to an imaginary school in China when she was 3, and who told us the other night that she'd like to be a ballerina, artist, and a missionary. 

While it's a small step in the big picture, in many ways, telling our children is a very big step.  Their faith at times dwarfs ours ~ if God says something will happen, then it does.  No second guessing or trying to rationalize the "but what if he doesn't" thoughts.  As adults, we sometimes get so focused on a certain picture of how we think God will keep His promises, that we nearly miss it when He keeps in a way that looks different than we expected.

Abigail, as of 2/2/12, the whole family is praying and joyfully awaiting your arrival.

American Idolater

As I tackle a long overdue decluttering project this week, I'm faced with what seems to be overwhelming decisions about what to keep and find a new place for vs. what needs to go.  As this happens, I'm discovering that what should be a fairly simple process is far more emotional than I'd dreamed.  Rather than being just items, I'm realizing that many of them represent expectations that I've had for myself or are tokens of a stage of life that has past.  Despite the fact that most of those expectations have been unrealistic and that some of the stages of life captured in those items are ones I'd prefer not to go back and visit, there's a part of me that is fearful of letting them go.  I let them define me for so long that it's a bit scary to think of releasing my tight grasp.

We choose to place emotional value into inanimate objects. ~ Adam Baker

As I read this sentence today, I couldn't help but think of the verses in Isaiah that describe how useful materials were also shaped into idols:

He cut down cedars, or perhaps took a cypress or oak. He let it grow among the trees of the forest, or planted a pine, and the rain made it grow. It is used as fuel for burning; some of it he takes and warms himself, he kindles a fire and bakes bread. But he also fashions a god and worships it; he makes an idol and bows down to it. Half of the wood he burns in the fire; over it he prepares his meal, he roasts his meat and eats his fill. He also warms himself and says, “Ah! I am warm; I see the fire.” From the rest he makes a god, his idol; he bows down to it and worships. He prays to it and says, “Save me! You are my god!”   Isaiah 44: 14-17

While all of these items with sentimental attachment don't sit on an altar in my home and I don't literally bow down to them and ask them to save me, I find myself uncomfortably aware of how tightly my fingers dig into my palms at the thought of getting rid of some of them.  What would I do?  Who would I be without them?  Wouldn't I be filled with regrets?  What if I need them someday? What if I someday do become the type of person who would use that type of item on a regular basis?  If I give it all away, then I won't have it.

I am gradually realizing that by placing so much emotional importance to these inanimate items, I have made them into idols.

Some of these idols have been moved with me for the past 20+ years.  Every so often I've had a "pilgrimage" of sorts to the mental place of their making, reliving either the memories associated with them or the expectations attached to them.  And in clinging so tightly to them and the past, there's a danger in not living fully in the present or preparing myself for the (all so different from what the items collectively represent) future.  Even more serious, how much have these idols gotten in the way of what God has in store for my life?  Has each of those self-imposed expectations for who I should be and how I should live blinded me to God's expectations for me?  If I'm really honest, God probably has much different plans for me than the rigid standard of expectations that I've set up for myself and then cut myself down when I've failed miserably at meeting them. 

What if?  What if instead of hanging on to all these items that remind me of my own accomplishments, my own dreams, or my own failures, I instead hung on to the ones that remind me of God's work in my life?  What if I were to stop placing my hopes and dreams onto inanimate objects, and instead cast them onto God and trust that if they match His, He will provide all that is needed to fulfill them?  What if in the process of letting go of the things that I have let define me, I actually find myself?

It's time to find out what is on the other side of the what-ifs.  Anyone need a lot of used idols?

Seven

Last week I read a blog entry that set my mind racing.  As the author (Jen Hatmaker) described it, a

A seven-month experimental mutiny against excess, tackling seven areas of overconsumption in the spirit of a fast; a fast from greed, irresponsibility, apathy, and insatiability. Each area boiled down to just seven choices for a month:


Food.
Clothes.
Possessions.
Media.
Waste.
Spending.
Stress.


Only seven foods for a month. Only seven pieces of clothes for a month. Give away seven things we own a day for a month. Eliminate seven forms of media for a month. Adopt seven substantial habits for a greener life. Spend money in only seven places. Practice "seven sacred pauses" a day and observe the Sabbath...a deeply reduced life to find a greatly increased God.

Thanks to a Christmas gift card (in this month of striving to stick within our budgeted amounts), 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess was soon sitting on my Kindle.  I could relate to her retelling of how the plan took shape in the shower one morning, her bent toward total immersion as the best way to learn, and the feeling that we are surrounded by TOO.MUCH.  (Even in our personal situation that by many would be considered NOT. ENOUGH.)  Each chapter detailed her family's efforts in one of the seven areas to "create space for God's kingdom to break through", and included both the highlights and honest challenges of breaking away from our society's norms in that area even for a short time.  

Throughout the journey, she discovered that part of this fasting from the things that surround us daily and that we often view as necessary (though that was often proven to be a false view) was that the discipline of choosing over and over again to curb an appetite began to change her in ways beyond that specific fast.  In describing the relationship between possessions and our spiritual life, she points out the many times that Jesus talked about how hard it is for the wealthy to receive His kingdom.  "If this is true, then more than fearing poverty or simplicity, we should fear prosperity."

Making intentional choices that allow room for God to work in our lives.  Hatmaker emphasized that our journeys would not be exactly the same as hers, since "Your story is God's to write, not mine. . . There isn't a list here.  There is no stencil we can all trace into our lives in perfect unison." I was challenged by the observation that the church in modern day America is far more comfortable with feasting than fasting, not only in the areas of food.  Within our churches, do we even treat Bible studies, sermons, classes, conferences, and training as a feast?  "We are addicted to the buffet, skillfully discarding the costly discipleship required after consuming.  The feast is supposed to sustain the fast, but we go back for seconds and thirds and fourths,stuffed to the brim and fat with inactivity."  How am I living out what I have learned in the years of attending Bible studies and sermons?  Do I put that spiritual energy into action, or just go back for more?

Having finished the book, I find myself examining my own life and asking what areas have I withheld from turning over to God's purposes.  What would God pick in my life that needed to be released?  I already see some areas.  Possessions are a hard one for me to release ~ whether I'm keeping it because of a memory attached, or because it represents an idea of a life I at one point thought I should have, or because someday, I might need it, the hold is strong.   The final chapter on stress is also challenging me to examine my thoughts on needing to be busy all the time.  I'm encouraged to make some intentional decisions about whether the way that I spend my time, treasures, and talents honors God or hinders His work in my life.

**Note about the affiliate links:  We're stepping out in faith that since the big directions God has given us (a daughter named Abigail and building a church) are from Him, He will be making them happen.  Even though we can't see yet the how and when that will happen, we're going to begin taking small steps here and have set up a savings account to support building a church.  Any proceeds that happen to come through the affiliate links will go toward that.  :)

Merry Christmas!

When we lived in Arizona, good friends of ours had a tradition of a Christmas Eve open house.  We spent several of those together eating chowder, reminiscing about the year, and taking a look at the tree ornament they had chosen for that year of life.  As recently marrieds, their collection of nearly 20 ornaments was inspiring to us, and we decided to begin collecting ornaments to represent our life together.  While many of you are too far away to actually stop by, there's nothing stopping us from having a virtual Christmas Eve open house.  :)  

Welcome to our humble abode!  As you come up to the front door, you'll pass our only outside decoration.  This year, we decided to keep things simple ~ though we LOVE driving by the houses of all of you who get great joy out of decorating to the hilt ~ no judgment here  :)  .  The stable is new, and made out of the old baby crib.  Sort of fitting, don't you think?   Watch your step, we still need to clear off the front steps.  Don't look too closely in the corners, and if you write a message in the dust, make it a nice one.  :)

Inside, you'll pass by our Christmas tree, nestled in against the windows.  I'll probably point out our  curtains from God behind the tree.  This year we scaled back the ornaments, including just our very favorites.  If you look closely, you'll see one from the Desert Botanical Garden in Phoenix from our first year of marriage.  A friend had given us tickets to their Las Noches de la Luminarias as a wedding present, and we'll always remember walking the candle lit trails in the chilly December air listening to music at different stations set up throughout the garden.  Another ornament, a blue velvet star, is more bittersweet, as its beads shine in memory of our children awaiting us in heaven.  Thomas the train, Cinderella, and various other ornaments were chosen by our 6 year old and 4 year old.  And I'll show you  this year's ornament, a simple word:  Joyful.   What a joy-filled year it has been, even in the midst of challenges.

Under the tree the kids will point out the gifts to Jesus.  This is new for 2011, and hopefully will become a part of our Christmas celebration.  We've wrapped up reminders of ways that we have been the hands and feet of Christ in this past year:  feeding the hungry, donating for orphans, sending clean water, packing shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, etc.  Come Christmas morning, those will be some of the first presents that we open, along with the stockings.   Then after church and our daughter's baptism(!), they'll tear into their own gifts.



Yummy sights and smells beckon from the dining room.  Frosted sugar cookies are a tradition from my childhood.  The rounded green trees with little sprinkles as ornaments, yellow stars sprinkled with glistening sugar crystals ~ those are memories from my childhood. When I was a newlywed I was on a quest to find the exact cookie cutters in antique stores to continue the tradition.  This year the girl child chose pink frosting to decorate her hearts and mittens, and the boy child decorated a train.  To the green trees, we've added saguaro cactus-shaped cookies, in memory of our life in the desert.  You didn't happen to bring some tamales, did you?   :)

On the side table you'll see a collection jar, with a picture of a church.  Not long ago, the Mr. was convicted to begin getting rid of some of our excess . .   selling it off . . . and using the money to help the poor build a church.  Build a church?  Surely not, God.  But yes, confirmation came from Scripture that this is indeed part of what we are being called to do.  Maybe Abigail is part of this bigger project?  So in faith we are beginning our collection jar. where penny by penny, dollar by dollar, God will bring His idea to fruition.  We don't yet know where, or when, or how, but are trusting that He does.  However it ends up happening, it will definitely by God who gets the glory, because of our own efforts alone, this would definitely not be possible.  (Sound familiar?)  Fitting enough, the first pennies given were from our oldest child.



If you're here at the right time tonight, you can join us in our Advent reading (written by a dear friend for our church).  This year's readings have been just perfect for going through with little ones and help to keep the focus on Jesus.  We'll talk about how you see God working in your life and what a faithful God we serve.  We'll talk, laugh together, shed a few tears, sing Christmas carols (a bit off-key, unless you're the musical one), listen to small children playing in the other room,  and add a few more links to our chain of friendship.

Too quickly, you'll tell me that you have to leave, and the house will empty out.  Once everyone has left, and the house is quiet and dark, I'll probably shed a few tears and thank our God for sending such wonderful friends into my life.  For friends that have been woven into my life over the years, and for those that God has recently sent my way. I thank God for you!

Merry Christmas to you, my friend.  May this year ahead bring a life of joy even in the midst of the hard, may it bring you ever closer to Jesus, and may you find peace in all circumstances.  Would you leave a comment letting me know that you stopped by, so that I can be praying for you on your journey?  And if you need prayers for something specific, send me an email.  It would be a blessing to be able to lift you up in prayer.

 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.  I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.   Psalm 9:1-2